ladybugs, luck, and second chances

Many cultures view ladybugs as lucky, and a great deal of superstition surrounds these small and stylishly outfitted insects. As often happens with superstition, it is actually a bit difficult to determine why ladybugs came to be viewed as lucky. One interesting thing about ladybug superstitions is that these superstitions are so universal: usually, superstitions about living things are quite varied, with different cultures attaching different meanings to everything ranging from black cats to mirrors.

as a new season sweeps into my life, i find myself reminded so many cliches like one day at a time, easy does it, and it ain't over till it's over... all of them have merit and all are true no doubt leading to their becoming a cliche. i like having cliches to fall back on when i'm not on track. i have definitely found them helpful. their predictability and flexibility can ground me usually without fail.

but i also like the concept of stumble upon. my truth seems to also be that i will find doorways, encounters, or adventures in front of me that appear without warning and have lead to amazing places i never expected. now this may sound a little reminiscent of my using days, because there are similarities. however, the big difference is my own ability to be aware and to not be sidetracked by dopamine overload. maybe i'm not explaining this correctly, but suffice it to say it is very different at the onset and definitely different at the outcome. my adventures while using usually landed me in some scenario that was drenched in trouble of some sort. and that layer of detail seems to have been removed when the using was removed. (hallelujah!)

back to the here and now- i repeatedly find myself working on keeping my heart open. i have come to believe that it is wise to do make room for good things to happen if that is my desire. i have to make room in my heart and mind for miracles so they have a place to land when pass by. it sounds simple i know, but for me i have found that it takes work and diligence to actually make this happen.

on many occasions, i have found it habit to slip into sarcasm, cynicism, and worry, which of course are the complete opposite of hope. and the latter is what i hope to grow in my life.

so with this new season moving through my life, i consciously re-commit to holding a space in my soul for good things to happen both to me and around me. one funny side note is that i have repeatedly been finding ladybugs around my house. i think there have been about 10 or so. and i think it's common knowledge that ladybugs foretell good luck. there is nothing to dispute this in my world and i'd like to keep this going.

recovery, luck, and ladybugs. it can be so exhilarating and yet so confusing. but staying open to the possibility of it all requires diligence, commitment, and and open heart. sounds like work, i know, but results are tangible.usually it's a smile i get from inside. and i love to smile. especially smiles from the heart. i'm sure you've heard the cliche- "smile- it's good for your health"

today's sound choice is "second chance" from roger sanchez

on dreams

i attended a baby shower yesterday at lunch at my workplace. it was for a co-worker and his wife celebrating the adoption of a 6 month old boy. it was festive and jovial and at least 3 departments participated. most of the attention was focused on the new whippersnapper, but a good portion of the joy was for the parents. for most of the celebrants had watched and supported as a 3 year drama had unfolded.

he and his wife had a child about 3 years ago. tragically, the infant died shortly after his birth. there was at least a year of grief and processing that happened. after a while they attempted to get have another child, but a year and a half yielded no fertility, which brought along another layer of grief and processing. not to be dissuaded, they started looking to adoption as they really wanted to grow their family. after several months an opportunity appeared and all looked promising. but the day before they were to take custody of a child in question, social serivices called to inform them that the birth grandfather had decided to take the child. naturally, another layer of disappointment, grief, and processing ensued. they kept re-opening the original wound one might say.

after another few months, they heard from social services again. there was another option. friends, family, and co-workers counseled them to not become too excited. much easier said than done, no doubt. the time grew nearer and once again social services called to halt the process with the news that the foster mother decided to keep the baby.

however, this time, armed with some experience and some emotional armour to protect themselves, calls and concerns were made to supervisors about the modality used in its adoption process. the agency has been asking this couple to put their lives on hold and then don't seem to be on top of the status of the procedure. would it not make sense to check these peripheral status issues before contacting the adoptive parents? meetings with supervisors, and a management team brought about a meeting between the foster mother and our adoptive parents.

somehow, an agreement has been made. our couple took custody of the tyke last friday and have been slowly folding in this new soul into their family mix. as of last wednesday, their lives took a turn that no doubt will change them all forever.


this was the underlying sentiment and celebration at yesterdays pizzafest. everyone was thrilled for the little guy to be part of our makeshift work family. but moreso, everyone was ecstatic that the winds had shifted on our couples journey. it warmed our hearts to see that miracles do happen in front of us. and reminded us that keeping a place at the table for hope makes good sense and has rewards.

today's sound choice is a bit of the inimitable patti lupone with "i dreamed a dream"

stormy

shia labeouf - the newest indiana jones sidekick storms the media

the spring in colorado does bring some raging storms. here's a bit of what happened in windsor colorado the day before yesterday. if you are interested in helping out, donations can be made to the red cross here

One of the best parts of recovery is getting your feelings back. The worst part is getting your feelings back.

i have moved through so many emotions this last 2 months, it astounds me. i was reading back to the post just before i got the last major shake up from the universe and i found it pretty astonishing. it is eerie in some of its foreshadowing. i honestly had no idea that i would be experiencing ptsd the very next day which would be followed with a journey that has brought me to such amazing healing in my life.

i have even moved towards empathy for the person i believe to have instigated it all. i certainly now see that individuals that i had trusted and confided in were not capable of valuing that trust and that fact has very little to do with me. it has to do with another human's inability to live up to my expectations. (well, maybe not the state of colorado's either- but that's a conversation for another day). none-the-less, i am so encouraged that in a mere 60 days i have been blessed with releasing resentment and exchanging it for understanding, because in the end the one who will benefit from that move is me. and my heart, which already feels lighter and gayer. i am laughing again. i am feeling grounded again. and i am supported in ways i never could have foretold. or maybe i did in this post

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.

Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.

with every heartbeat

today is a red ribbon day for me. i am having lunch with a committee for persons with hiv as part of their day retreat to redefine their purpose. they are a committee for persons of color with hiv. i co-chair a committee for the same body but more general and not exclusively for persons of color. our committee is currently undergoing a mission clarification as well, and i believe we might try to align our mission statements somewhat and try to work in accord much more consciously.

i also am participating in a photo day for HRSA and with MOHR. The first, a national health service organization, is publishing an article on Denver and highlighting it as a city which exemplifies implementation of the latest Ryan White legislation. and i have been named along with a couple of other colleagues as a person who has made a difference in the delivery of HIV services in the denver metro area. as a matter of fact, news of this stimulated the writing of that nasty letter i published a while back. but i am humbled by the whole thing and wonder what any fuss is about.


and SIN Colorado has decided to work with Lannie Garrett again to help raise awareness of our HIV gay men's social network and to help raise funds for the SIN newsletter which i would like to publish early next month. so much going on. and i am pleased with most of the work i get to participate in. i cannot believe that only a few short years ago i felt quite useless and near the end of my rope. and now, i am being named as someone who helps make a difference. this is a miracle. this is a testament that change does occur. it also validates that there are forces much more powerful than me at work in my life, creating situations far better than i could have imagined for myself.

feeling sad? feeling useless? i've been there. get involved somehow helping people. don't patronize them, but help them feel better about themselves and help them help themselves. it does wonders for the soul....

and for those who know me well......

Robyn Lyrics - With Every Heartbeat Lyrics

Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

what a difference a day makes

incredibly my second day off this weekend has proven to be so restorative. and that makes sense as i'm a virgo and it was a working day off. there was a new member orientation for the planning council and i went for the latter half. i got to see a couple of former work buddies and that was sheer joy. they made me laugh and reminded me that i can bring a smile to someone's face. oh god- thank you so much for that reminder...

then i did a presentation of mile high meth project to the public health office. there were about 20 persons present and i was asked to speak about the program and to invite referrals. as i spoke about the program and about the purpose and intention, i was gently reminded why i do this work in the first place- because i have been graced with the ability to do so, and gifted with the power of understanding. as i spoke to the group, i realized that i have some experience with meth use, with addictions, with hiv, with mental health issues, and with being a gay man. all of these challenges that i have faced in my life have made way for an opportunity for me to learn, teach, and share these experiences and expand the agreement field of understanding in the metro area i am living in. never in my wildest dreams would i have thought such a thing possible.

yet, here i am. living it. breathing it. and trying to pass it on...

and then there's my new pal.. m betty... who makes me laugh so..and makes me remember i am crazy, but in a good way... god- thank you for that, too.

oh what a difference a day makes. the entire landscape of my understanding can alter.

ricky martin day

i came home from work last night to find a care package in the mail. it's from a friend in boulder and contains 4 cd's-"the dana owens album"- "henri salvador"-"jubilant sykes"and something called "jazz and the eighties".

i must say i was a bit taken aback at his sweet thoughtfulness. i forget that there are people in the world besides my immediate posse who care about me and want me to succeed and be happy.

i have to remember on a daily basis to make room in my heart for wonderful things to happen. wake up each day and drink from the cup of life. when it's bitter just spit it out. but when it's sweet, take it in.

this care package- it's not the thing i was hoping for and so it's not a dream come true. it's better. it's unsolicitated kindness and it rocks....and i want this feeling to come back again and again.

I'm certain that this time

There's no going back

After everything I went to tell you no

You know well that it's not certain

I'm dying inside



And now I realize

That without you I'm nothing

I've lost the strength

I've lost the desire

I tried to find you

In other people

They're not the same

It's not the same

An abyss separates us



Come back

Because without you my life just goes by

Come back

Because I can't breathe if you're not here

Come back

No one can take your place

There's so much space

If you're not here

A minute doesn't go by that I don't think (about you)

Without you my life passes slowly by



Something tells me

That it's not worth it

So many sleepless nights

Hugging my pillow



If I could I'd turn back time

Now that I understand you

Now that I've lost you

And despite that I went

to tell you no

Without a doubt I'm still here begging you

Come back

Because without you my life just goes by.

and if you hadn't noticed, i'm declaring today ricky martin day. and i'm happy to be alive today.

i feel love

Remember that those who attack are poor. Their poverty asks for gifts, not further impoverishment.

above from A Course In Miracles

it's a quiet miracle. it's one that i wasn't expecting. it's come up so quickly and discreetly and slipped into my pocket so i know that it's there. i feel love. i am feeling something i don't really know if i have ever allowed myself to feel before this. i feel supported and loved by the people in my life of whom so many have rallied around and been there to support me this week. and i am able to receive it. actually receive it. this is a spectacular thaw for me.

i have been graced with the opportunity to move through ancient trauma and core beliefs and come out the other side with a true gift. i have always had support in my life, i think, but i don't think i have ever been grounded enough (nor sober enough) to really receive it. up until 3 1/2 years ago, i had experienced ptsd fairly regularly. but i always just self-medicated through it. that's what i always did. much of it came as a result of substance use too, but its origin was self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness which had been an integral part of me since almost my beginning. now, with sobriety, this last week has been one of the first chances for me to try a different coping skill for a very recurrent situation.

and miracle of miracles, i believe i am sitting at home quietly understanding in a deeper way that i am supported and loved, and that i don't have to panic or get manic. i can come to know peace in a new way. i can be still and know.

there is another 12step saying which is "more will be revealed". i repeat this like a young child in wonder. it's just as if some of my deepest and oldest wounds have been magically sprinkled with fairy dust and a healing is transpiring.

here is a quote from the very very sappy Michael Landon film Love Comes Softly:

The truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen. It's His promise that He'll be here with us when they do.

and please check out steve's post today and let your heart smile. it's title is "winky"

days like this

i just got in from my 3m jog. i do this 3x week and i really enjoy it. i get to push my limits a bit, i get to listen to my mp3 and hear new music, uninterrupted. i get to watch the daylight seep over the horizon into the night. some days it's remarkable and breathtaking. every day is a blessing.

three years clean. it's only been three years since i've made a change in my life. only three years, but it seems so much longer. i have changed not only my drinking and drugging habits, but i've changed many of my perspectives and approaches to life. and i must say i am much happier. three years clean.

my life has taken a direction i never expected and it's not over by a long shot. i have a much clearer idea of what my boundaries are, i have a better sense of what expectations i have, and i trust myself so much more than i ever did. i never used to think that i deserved to have anything semi-permanent and i believed i wasn't worthy of love. i cannot say that these feelings are completely gone, but i know for sure that they are not prevalent in my world.

of course, i haven't changed the course of the world, but i have been witness to the change of the course of my life. that is a very powerful thing to breathe in. i know that it is possible for the sunlight of spirit to enter one's heart. i cannot prove that it stays there forever, but as it lingers, life becomes beautiful. worthy of celebration and steeped with redemption.

there are some incredibly special people who have come into my life in these last 3 years. i will probably see most of them over the next coupla days. then there are the people whom i have only exchanged comments and emails with that i haven't actually met. they have been more than an inspiration to me.

here's a big thanx and a smooch to my online homo group, each of whom have helped me immensely whether they know it or not.

firehorse
marc
acidreflux
recovery beach
wayward son
gaybipolarguy
chris

and a couple of bloggers who inspire me but aren't necessarily in the above group. i love stopping by your roost and checking in.

steve
nicole
richard
ron


so now, bring on the cake and sing..... oh- and who needs candles to blow? (unless they look the ones in the photo....) i love finding new meaning for music such as this song. it used to be a real favorite of mine saturday, or sunday, or monday mornings at the endup in sf. i am happy to say, i don't wish those days were still here, but i'm not sorry they happened. today i have hope that this day (and days like this), hold surprises and wonders. great things happen on days like this.

brand new heavies

another day another post. it certainly has become part of my routine. i actually look forward to touching in with my own feelings and looking outward to share a little. it has been an integral part of my healing and it continues to be a blessing for me..

i find that my emotional tilt-a-whirl has become much more juvie with the addition of lithium and the subtraction of alcohol and other drugs. i am much more balanced, and much more even paced. not perfect, certainly, but definitely much more manageable.

i always talk about expecting good things to happen and to be open to surprise, but i often think it might just be patronizing and repeating things i have heard. i really can't say that i walk that walk.

i'm gonna be self indulgent for a minute (as if this process doesn't demonstrate that anyway). last night in a group i facilitate, the "clients" were all kinda acting weird when group was starting out. one guy's mother came to the clinic and she was hanging out. one of my coworkers was asking me lots of odd questions in my office just before group started. i thought, oh well- everyone's having a weird day, i might as well, too.

but no, the guys in group (my brand new heavies) have made a gesture to say thank you to me.(you can click on photo for better view. ps-i am not a photographer :p). it totally caught me by surprise. i teared up, but quickly said "you are not getting out of group tonight". we still have work to do. but they didn't care. nor did i. we had cake, we laughed, they cried a bit, and i am left numb. i never expected even anything remotely this kind and loving to happen. i am humbled and in awe. addicts don't think of others as a first course of action. they are too caught up in their own shit. and they have nothing to gain by making this effort. are they gay men being nice to each other? i wish i saw more of this, but today this will do. and i have a tear or two as i type this.

again, i repeat: miracles happen. people change. addicts are people and people recover. and i got to witness a miracle in process today. i've been high so many times in my life. but, this is a new high for me. i'm glad i have made it through to the next round.

you are my miracle

if i am to be honest this time around, i have to admit that i have developed a new addiction since giving up the others. i'm not talking about music, either. i have always loved music and i probably always will at least i hope so.

no i am talking about a supplemental addiction. i have developed a relationship with nutritional supplements and it has become pretty serious. it started out while i was first dumping meth. i realized that i had lost 1/3 of my body weight while using and i had nothing but skin hanging over a bony frame. plus i had stopped taking my hiv meds for about 2 years because there was no point in taking meds when i wasn't going to be around. so when i decided to kiss tina goodbye, i got it in my head that i needed to refurbish the factory from the inside out.


i started eating (as opposed to taking) a bio-engineered algae that was being shipped out of baltic region. it is a formula discovered by michael kiriac who was employed by the soviet government to do research with nutrition and apply it to the regional populations of livestock and wild animals. his story is compelling for me.

his family grew up not too far from chernobyl and his family was riddled with all kinds of illnesses including pancreatic cancers. this affected many members of his family, cousins, sisters, and his mother. he got into research with the hopes that he could help his family, especially his mom.

years went by and he developed new strains of blue green algae which helped many species, but nothing could really help his mother. she died of pancreatic cancer. then, a few years later, the factory where the algae was grown was locked up for a four day weekend. unknown to everyone who worked there, the grow lights were accidentally left on for the entirety of the holiday and upon return it was discovered that the algae had turned from blue green to red gold.

Many experiments were attempted with the huge harvest of an unknown type of algae, but the human body was unable to break it down easily enough to make it practical. the lab was at a loss for a short time until someone suggested blending it with the blue green algae they were used to harvesting.

eureka- the beginnings of the current formulary of bioalgae was born. it has been used in thousands of studies, including many animal populations in the rural soviet region. a cancer was reversed in a vast mink population upon introducing this particular algae into their diet. and livestock farms have been rescued from diseases with the help of bioage.

the nutritional support that the endocrine system receives from a steady diet of this type of superfood is deemed incredible. i believe in it. if it is good enough for a mink from minsk, it's good enough for me.

and since i'm back on hiv meds and devouring pharmaceuticals at an obscene rate, i have decided that eating turbo organics to counterbalance the pharma is one of the best things i can do for my health and my organs.

here is the link for more information. please do not think i am a seller of this product. i am in no way connected to the selling or procuring of this except for my own consumption. my interest is in sharing my belief that nutrition is a power tool that is needed to build a strong body and soul. and that miracles such as disease reversal and remission happen and should be expected. the human body is an incredible organism. it indeed is a living breathing miracle.