live to tell

All of us have the capacity to attract to ourselves what seems to be missing in our lives. Wayne Dyer

i was introduced to this guy who is a host at an underwhelming restaurant on the outskirts of town. he is 26. he is shy, relatively quiet, well-mannered, and easy on the eyes. i was with a group of people and we were discussing recovery, 12 step issues, our lives in general. he listened carefully and reservedly on the sidelines. he asked to speak to us after an hour or so.

it turns out that he is on probation for quite a long stint because 6 years earlier, when he was out partying with his best friend, they got totally loaded at some parties, and he crashed his car. 20 years old and he had gotten into a major car accident and been burdened with a wound he many never forget. his best friend, the passenger in his car, died at the scene of the accident.

he talks about it frankly now. he had several years in prison before he was released on probation. now he workss on spending his free time speaking to groups of people about his experience. he discusses refusing to be concerned about his drinking and his driving and just doing what he wanted. and he also speaks much more quietly and much more directly about what can happen to a passenger in a vehicle with a drunk driver.

this is the story he is living to tell.

you know, i sometimes really feel as if i am never gonna quite get ahead. i can find as much to struggle with as i can think of( and that's infinite) mostly because i am used to struggle. but, now and again, i am reminded gently in my life, that i have had a pretty good run. that i have had tough times, but honestly need to keep it in perspective. i only suffer in my own head, and not in the world so much.

when i was 26, my best friend departed this plane. but i never have had to wake up knowing that my apathy and self involvement drove him there. i can't imagine how much self deprecating bullshit he has had to wade through to get to the place he seems to inhabit now, but i have an idea.

and my hat goes off to him. he helps me see the actual lightness of being and luck i have been blessed with.

strike a pose

photo courtesy of kodiakkonfidential

Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war.
John McCain

so much posturing going on in politics this year. what with gustav blowing through the gulf region and the republican vp nominee having more skeletons in her closet than elvira. if this posturing weren't such an affront to the future of so many people by way of this election, it would indeed be enjoyable. it actually mimics a mad tv sketch in many ways.

our beloved dems are little or no better. as bill mahr stated, the obvious missing presence of self-confessed adulterer john edwards from the dem convention displayed the same "out of sight, out of mind" policy that infects both political parties.

give 'em something pleasing to look at, and tell 'em what they want to hear. the truth is relative anyway, and transitory.

bleakly, i must add that i buy into this philosophy, too. the packaging matters if you want my attention. if things look better, they seem better, even if only temporarily. i don't always think about content, especially if the wrapping is really appealling.

has anyone mentioned the colorado minister who announced on the air that he was praying for rain on august 28th in denver to drown out festival obama? i wonder if he felt god was answering his prayers with the timing and appearance of gustav....or maybe he knows that the less that party is seen, the better they look.

Look around everywhere you turn is heartache. It's everywhere that you go (look around)
You try everything you can to escape The pain of life that you know (life that you know)
When all else fails and you long to be Something better than you are today
I know a place where you can get away
It's called a convention floor, and here's what it's for, so strike a pose

four minutes

is she what they mean when they say fierce?

i have been pretty diligent about posting every day. there is something that feels as if it is grounding when i continue to acheive that pattern. i struggle at times with topics, at times with pictures, and at times with music choices. but i have managed to keep it real and hopefully fresh.

it's almost midnight and i just got home. i worked today and tonight, and then tomorrow there is an 8am breakfast/meeting with the roundup before i have to drop some things off for the booth at pridefest. i then work for 3 hours and probably have to help tear down and load up to leave.

that all doesn't leave much time for blogging. it's a pisser, but it's life. so i told myself i could take four minutes to come up with an entry. perhaps not my best, but no doubt it will be my quickest ever.

p.s.- i am going to try to photograph drag queen shoes tomorrow. i'm hoping most of them have a story to tell. i'll share some of what i discover.

in the meantime, be one city really made me laugh today. shouldn't take more than a minute to visit them here..

Happy Pride

i feel love

Remember that those who attack are poor. Their poverty asks for gifts, not further impoverishment.

above from A Course In Miracles

it's a quiet miracle. it's one that i wasn't expecting. it's come up so quickly and discreetly and slipped into my pocket so i know that it's there. i feel love. i am feeling something i don't really know if i have ever allowed myself to feel before this. i feel supported and loved by the people in my life of whom so many have rallied around and been there to support me this week. and i am able to receive it. actually receive it. this is a spectacular thaw for me.

i have been graced with the opportunity to move through ancient trauma and core beliefs and come out the other side with a true gift. i have always had support in my life, i think, but i don't think i have ever been grounded enough (nor sober enough) to really receive it. up until 3 1/2 years ago, i had experienced ptsd fairly regularly. but i always just self-medicated through it. that's what i always did. much of it came as a result of substance use too, but its origin was self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness which had been an integral part of me since almost my beginning. now, with sobriety, this last week has been one of the first chances for me to try a different coping skill for a very recurrent situation.

and miracle of miracles, i believe i am sitting at home quietly understanding in a deeper way that i am supported and loved, and that i don't have to panic or get manic. i can come to know peace in a new way. i can be still and know.

there is another 12step saying which is "more will be revealed". i repeat this like a young child in wonder. it's just as if some of my deepest and oldest wounds have been magically sprinkled with fairy dust and a healing is transpiring.

here is a quote from the very very sappy Michael Landon film Love Comes Softly:

The truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen. It's His promise that He'll be here with us when they do.

and please check out steve's post today and let your heart smile. it's title is "winky"

ring-rang-a-dong

here is a little musical holiday message for you.

hit me with your 80's stick
hit me
hit me
hit me fast and hit me quick
hit me
hit me

let me also take a moment to give a shout out to my friend chris- who is on a little holiday of his own. but he has chosen to take a winter holiday someplace a bit chilly and not so fun. keep up the good work chris. your spiritual retreat will be over before you know it, and you'll be more rested and ready for your future.