thaw

Emptiness and just a memory


love is gone with nothing left for me


al those wasted feelings for something I no longer have


I never knew that love could hurt so bad


Winter melody, winter melody, winter melody


play for me, just for me,... Donna Summer

i received a call from a probation officer the other day with regards to someone i have been working with. a few months ago during a group session, there seemed to be a shift for several of the members and they went a little deeper into themselves and shared what was going on. there were quite a few tears, quite a lot of exposed feelings and some growth (i hope) ensued.

one of the members was visibly shaken by all this honesty and introspection. he was affected by the whole thing and stopped coming to group. the audacity of people feeling their feelings and expressing that was just like the midday sun burning his heart's eyes. he retreated back into the shade of his mind and changed his course.

unfortunately with probation, one is sentenced to complete tasks if one is to progress. so he is now looking for alternative ways to finish his requirements. he is looking to complete this without the witnessing by a group at all. This is possible, but it requires cash, as individual therapy is more costly than group sessions, for obvious reasons.

this particular individual has a history of frozen feelings and whacked anger issues, and i wonder if all this is simply part of a spectrum of events that are leading to his "thaw". he has been afraid to feel his feelings for quite some time and has made grand gestures and engaged in activities to avoid doing just that. now that he has no access to those things, and has stopped self-medicating, he finds himself closer to his own truth. and when tears and honesty confronted him, he panicked and ran, because that's what he's become accustomed to doing. but he has a wonderful opportunity to take a look at his life, notice the fear, and address it anyway.

we'll see what happens. but i know that witnessing lives change is one of the blessings in my career. change is hard, but just as in any good thaw, it can clean away so much dirt and debris and leave things in much better condition. but damn, in mid-winter, when things are frozen and dry and dead, it is almost impossible to envision an oasis like spring. i hope he can find enough faith and hope to make the journey.

i've been hoping to post today's sound choice for awhile now. i remember this song so well, and it used to pry open my heart with just one bridge. here is donna summer with "winter melody"



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ladybugs, luck, and second chances

Many cultures view ladybugs as lucky, and a great deal of superstition surrounds these small and stylishly outfitted insects. As often happens with superstition, it is actually a bit difficult to determine why ladybugs came to be viewed as lucky. One interesting thing about ladybug superstitions is that these superstitions are so universal: usually, superstitions about living things are quite varied, with different cultures attaching different meanings to everything ranging from black cats to mirrors.

as a new season sweeps into my life, i find myself reminded so many cliches like one day at a time, easy does it, and it ain't over till it's over... all of them have merit and all are true no doubt leading to their becoming a cliche. i like having cliches to fall back on when i'm not on track. i have definitely found them helpful. their predictability and flexibility can ground me usually without fail.

but i also like the concept of stumble upon. my truth seems to also be that i will find doorways, encounters, or adventures in front of me that appear without warning and have lead to amazing places i never expected. now this may sound a little reminiscent of my using days, because there are similarities. however, the big difference is my own ability to be aware and to not be sidetracked by dopamine overload. maybe i'm not explaining this correctly, but suffice it to say it is very different at the onset and definitely different at the outcome. my adventures while using usually landed me in some scenario that was drenched in trouble of some sort. and that layer of detail seems to have been removed when the using was removed. (hallelujah!)

back to the here and now- i repeatedly find myself working on keeping my heart open. i have come to believe that it is wise to do make room for good things to happen if that is my desire. i have to make room in my heart and mind for miracles so they have a place to land when pass by. it sounds simple i know, but for me i have found that it takes work and diligence to actually make this happen.

on many occasions, i have found it habit to slip into sarcasm, cynicism, and worry, which of course are the complete opposite of hope. and the latter is what i hope to grow in my life.

so with this new season moving through my life, i consciously re-commit to holding a space in my soul for good things to happen both to me and around me. one funny side note is that i have repeatedly been finding ladybugs around my house. i think there have been about 10 or so. and i think it's common knowledge that ladybugs foretell good luck. there is nothing to dispute this in my world and i'd like to keep this going.

recovery, luck, and ladybugs. it can be so exhilarating and yet so confusing. but staying open to the possibility of it all requires diligence, commitment, and and open heart. sounds like work, i know, but results are tangible.usually it's a smile i get from inside. and i love to smile. especially smiles from the heart. i'm sure you've heard the cliche- "smile- it's good for your health"

today's sound choice is "second chance" from roger sanchez

idol

“We all have idols. Play like anyone you care about but try to be yourself while you're doing so.”

B. B. King

american idol.....damn... this season has turned me into a gusher...

over the last few seasons, i have come to love watching idol, usually in the last weeks of the show. the beginning is a bit unnerving for me, as there seems to be much more drama, and the performers are still kinda raw and nervous. it just leaves me uncomfortable and a little perturbed as opposed to feeling enterained or even amused.

but several weeks into the process, the performers have gotten used to the routine, have started to really free themselves of their jitters, and we get a glimpse of them comfortably doing what they love to do.

it's not so much about becoming a star or an idol for me. it is really about watching these young spiritual beings learning to fly (or sing as it were) and it's one of the most lovely sites i can think of.

the critiquing is mildly amusing too, more because it resembles the greek chorus and adds some drama to the process. and at several points in the evening, for these budding professionals, i believe the feedback gives them something to focus on as they find their own strides.

last year david cook sent me reeling the last few weeks as his muse seemed found and he opened up in the process sharing gifts he may not have realized he even possessed.

and then there are the visits back to their hometowns on the second-to-last show. always appreciating a good cry, i love these segments for that very reason. i always tear and i find those bits just as pleasurable as a frank capra film.

this year, american idol has not let me down. a favorite has moved in front for me. of course, his name is kris allen, and i gush now as i type this. i am not in crush at all- at least i hope not. no- i think i am infatuated with his naive demeanor, his humility, and of course his animated smile. i feel my insides smiling when i watch him smile. and the film clip of his hometown visit tugged at my heart.

good luck kris... i can't tell you how much i have enjoyed being a voyeur as you reach for a dream. bravery, tenacity, craftmanship, and kindness. !!! heavenly....

but of course he wouldn't be on the show if he didn't have a voice. today's sound choice is his version of kanye west's "heartless"

castles in the sky

Elie Wiesel:
I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.

last week on peter staley's blog, i first heard of the "berlin patient" who had been on hiv drug therapy and underwent bone marrow transplant surgery and now has no signs of active hiv in his bloodwork.


my friend then sent a link to an article about the very same item.

and i found an article on donklephant. here is an excerpt.

The startling case of an AIDS patient who underwent a bone marrow transplant to treat leukemia is stirring new hope that gene-therapy strategies on the far edges of AIDS research might someday cure the disease.

The patient, a 42-year-old American living in Berlin, is still recovering from his leukemia therapy, but he appears to have won his battle with AIDS. Doctors have not been able to detect the virus in his blood for more than 600 days, despite his having ceased all conventional AIDS medication. Normally when a patient stops taking AIDS drugs, the virus stampedes through the body within weeks, or days.

The breakthrough appears to be that Dr. [Gero] Hütter, a soft-spoken hematologist who isn’t an AIDS specialist, deliberately replaced the patient’s bone marrow cells with those from a donor who has a naturally occurring genetic mutation that renders his cells immune to almost all strains of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

considering the goings on in the world this last couple of weeks, especially in america, i think i'm gonna try audacity and go with hope.....

movement

photocredit: yahoo

last night i watched, as almost all of my fellow countrypersons did, as our national posture shifted slightly. i witnessed via several senses, the repositioning of our demeanor, our intention, and our buy-in. i'm covered in goose bumps and thrilled to the core. i almost feel awestruck. and for this jaded monkey, that alone is a momentous accomplishment worthy of its own overture.

as i sat transfixed on the telly and scoured the myriad faces in millennium park, in harlem, in times square, and at moorehouse, i was engulfed with the sobering truth that this was not my moment or my leader at all. this is someone much much more. more than a national leader. this may very well be a world leader.


today's song choice lee dorsey's "yes we can"

Allen Toussaint - Yes We Can Can

Now is the time

Now is the time for all good men
To get together with one another
Iron out our problems
And iron out our quarrels
And try to live as brothers
And try to find a piece within
Without stepping on one another
And do respect the women of the world
Just remember you all have mothers
Make this land a better land
Than the world in which we live
And help each man be a better man
With the kindness that you give
I know we can make it
I know darn well we can work it out
Oh yes we can, I know we can can
Yes we can can, why can't we

this boy

Mark Twain:
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

most everybody gets caught with their pants down on occasion. some of us even put ourselves in that position willingly. sometimes i find myself feeling incredibly frustrated because that's precisely where i feel i am at in my life. i honestly know i am capable of so much, but i haven't actualized all that i think i am able.

honestly, this is due in great majority because i had so many issues that got in the way of me growing up and moving forward. one of the majors was my drug and alcohol addiction. because i had such a strong relationship with those items in my life, i have held myself back from reaching some of that potential.

on the flip side, i really believe that i have work left to do, and i have much to try to give back. i know that i am grateful i don't struggle the way i used to. i haven't had a hangover in almost 4 years and that was really a very regular ritual for me. i haven't felt the depths of misery that i would feel after a 3 or 4 day binge, nor have i had to spend days or even a week recovering from the crash that would inevitably follow.

i have applied for a counselor position at a detox facility and have begun the interview process. unclear about the outcome, i believe it holds promise and possibility. i can work on finalizing my certification- (to a level 3) and perhaps even expand my studies.

i don't know where all this will take me, and that is completely cool with me. i have just a smidgen of trust that the universe is going to support me (or not). and i am ok with it, either way. i can't remain afraid to make a move due to fear of failure. it just won't do. i have made it this far, and no doubt the reason will come forward.