this boy

Mark Twain:
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

most everybody gets caught with their pants down on occasion. some of us even put ourselves in that position willingly. sometimes i find myself feeling incredibly frustrated because that's precisely where i feel i am at in my life. i honestly know i am capable of so much, but i haven't actualized all that i think i am able.

honestly, this is due in great majority because i had so many issues that got in the way of me growing up and moving forward. one of the majors was my drug and alcohol addiction. because i had such a strong relationship with those items in my life, i have held myself back from reaching some of that potential.

on the flip side, i really believe that i have work left to do, and i have much to try to give back. i know that i am grateful i don't struggle the way i used to. i haven't had a hangover in almost 4 years and that was really a very regular ritual for me. i haven't felt the depths of misery that i would feel after a 3 or 4 day binge, nor have i had to spend days or even a week recovering from the crash that would inevitably follow.

i have applied for a counselor position at a detox facility and have begun the interview process. unclear about the outcome, i believe it holds promise and possibility. i can work on finalizing my certification- (to a level 3) and perhaps even expand my studies.

i don't know where all this will take me, and that is completely cool with me. i have just a smidgen of trust that the universe is going to support me (or not). and i am ok with it, either way. i can't remain afraid to make a move due to fear of failure. it just won't do. i have made it this far, and no doubt the reason will come forward.