He Won

idol

“We all have idols. Play like anyone you care about but try to be yourself while you're doing so.”

B. B. King

american idol.....damn... this season has turned me into a gusher...

over the last few seasons, i have come to love watching idol, usually in the last weeks of the show. the beginning is a bit unnerving for me, as there seems to be much more drama, and the performers are still kinda raw and nervous. it just leaves me uncomfortable and a little perturbed as opposed to feeling enterained or even amused.

but several weeks into the process, the performers have gotten used to the routine, have started to really free themselves of their jitters, and we get a glimpse of them comfortably doing what they love to do.

it's not so much about becoming a star or an idol for me. it is really about watching these young spiritual beings learning to fly (or sing as it were) and it's one of the most lovely sites i can think of.

the critiquing is mildly amusing too, more because it resembles the greek chorus and adds some drama to the process. and at several points in the evening, for these budding professionals, i believe the feedback gives them something to focus on as they find their own strides.

last year david cook sent me reeling the last few weeks as his muse seemed found and he opened up in the process sharing gifts he may not have realized he even possessed.

and then there are the visits back to their hometowns on the second-to-last show. always appreciating a good cry, i love these segments for that very reason. i always tear and i find those bits just as pleasurable as a frank capra film.

this year, american idol has not let me down. a favorite has moved in front for me. of course, his name is kris allen, and i gush now as i type this. i am not in crush at all- at least i hope not. no- i think i am infatuated with his naive demeanor, his humility, and of course his animated smile. i feel my insides smiling when i watch him smile. and the film clip of his hometown visit tugged at my heart.

good luck kris... i can't tell you how much i have enjoyed being a voyeur as you reach for a dream. bravery, tenacity, craftmanship, and kindness. !!! heavenly....

but of course he wouldn't be on the show if he didn't have a voice. today's sound choice is his version of kanye west's "heartless"

if i can't have you

Don't know why
I'm survivin' every lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me
My life would end
And it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears, so far, are a waste of time
If I turn away
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do

i have noticed a shift in my thinking lately. there is much around me these days that i find intoxicating. many things to learn. new experiences. new conversations. and new perspectives of things that have been around me a long while. all this has found me reeling with the feeling that my head is spinning on my shoulders at times.

underneath all this is also the germination of an interesting perspective, too. i am feeling a little security which is highly unusual for me. i have been a gypsy most of my life. not just in my location, but also within my heart. i have always been nomadic with friends, in love, and with inspiration. but what may now be sprouting is a definitely new. i am finding safety and comfort in where i am, and am feeling a lack of desperation to hold on to controling where i am. another way to say it is i am not feeling the need to wander. i don't wanna flee. i am feeling contented. i am surrendering.

ahhhh. it feels good.

so many mo's i talk to seem to be ready for this 'mo to steal the show. i don't know. he's pretty damn good. what do y'all think?

falling slowly

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

when i was in paris in the mid 90's, we rented an apartment on the isle st louis. it was an incredibly beautiful experience all in all. i do remember i had trouble sleeping that whole week. mostly i felt strong and strange energy around me. i was drinking quite a bit at that time, and i am sure i continued drinking heavily that week, too. one night, i remember being awakened by a very strong tap on my shoulder while i was in bed. i woke up and rolled over to find a dark hooded figure standing over me motioning for me to step through an image of a doorway. i also remember pausing for a minute, wondering whether i should go through or not, finally coming to the conclusion of "why not". and so i stepped through. nothing amazing happened, yet i remember thinking there was no turning back.

many years later, as i have embraced sobriety, opportunities and adventures have appeared before me almost as mysteriously as the hooded figure along the seine that early morning. there has been a succession of stepping through doorways that have led me to now. and sometimes i can barely catch my breath or check my footing.

now, in 2009, as i embark on a new job, i almost feel as if i am in the remake of a "b" version of the education of rita. i am in the process of learning so many things on a new level. the conversations i participate in these days are from a different side of the curtain than i am used to. yesterday i visited someone i know who is just now being diagnosed with 4th stage lymphoma. as they lay in their temporary resting place, they seem tender and fragile in ways i had not noticed before this. i have the privilege of seeing people from a new and different perspective. and the challenge for me now is to find new ways to offer help with the same sincerity and intention i always have tried to do.

and i have stepped through another doorway in my life. no turning back, wouldn't want to if i could.

today's sound choice is american idol's kris allen with a cover version of glen hansard's "falling slowly"

always be my baby

life goes on....

there are good things happening around me every day and i hope i am starting to find myself grounded enough to notice those things again. i've put 2 youtubes on today, and i hope you'll indulge me. one is david cook speaking- probably from script as well as his own heart, but i still am enthralled with the idea of him having "so much life to unfold". and i think he is a bit of an wayward thinker, and i love that his dreams are moving closer to reality.. best of luck, david cook. i actually enjoyed watching you grow this season on idol. thanks for the smiles, and thank you for reminding that really good things happen, too.




i'm posting the studio version of this because it's so much clearer.

saw it in the window

and i couldn't resist.

cookin'

contender

it's definitely somewhat of an obsession with me. and i'm okay with that. i do race home in order to turn it on and tune in to what's now. i guess there are so many things i find fascinating, but foremost has to be watching talent blossom. i think that david cook has unfolded like an incredibly lotus blossom. he just gets more beautful to watch.

now my friends ruben and alex voted for syesha over 100 times they tell me, but i haven't connected with her yet the way they have.

but i definitely love to connect with the ones that are not always in front. the contenders. they may be down, but don't count 'em out. i mean, even if you don't come in first, are you not a winner?

remember then imagine

i have been in a weird space in my head for a couple of weeks. i am working my program and it seems to be helping, but i still am feeling strange. i think that always recognizing myself when i'm feeling differently than i have felt most of my life is a challenge sometimes. i have no doubts i am fine, but i need to remember i am changing, i do not need to be the person i was so many years. or at least i don't have to be battling myself in my head. this is a work in progress.

i guess part of who i used to be can be remembered in part by a series of posts i am doing on aftermeth blog. the posts are throwbacks to my raconteur days and some very beloved music that probably falls under the category of punk or alternative. this is the style and the fashion that was my existence from '78 til '83. i used to go to 3 or 4 shows a week in chicago to see bands. gay bars kinda bored me then. i thought gay men were toxic and cut-throat and i didn't want to swim in that pond. then aids happened and i shifted focus. thank goodness i don't have to feel that way any more.
so anyway i hope you will check out some of the offerings from my 80's....

retrofitted


i really want to give kudos to jeremiah for cluing me in to this one. i haven't had a chance to see idol this year 'cuz i'm doing more at work til 8p. i think this young guy is a keeper. what a voice and his 'tude is admirable too!

it does help me to remember that dreams do become reality.

david archuleta