oh so blue

 

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

i stayed up last night packing and readying to get outta dodge for a few days. this has been an incredibly tough week for me and so i guess i'm in additional need for a vacay. i have been really emotional the last week or so. i found myself reacting in strange ways to ordinary things and probably over-reacting to many of them.

but get away i will. i am staying with perhaps the best friend i will ever have. we call him blue and we met in 1979? or 1980? at an afterhours club called "columns" in chicago. he was wearing a scottish purse (the kind that, gets slung around the waist when you wear a kilt) as a hat. i remember it was some very strange lime green color with a red pom pom and i thought " how queer" to myself. but we struck up a conversation, realized we had friends in common, walked the 32 blocks from downtown back to belmont when we left the club at around 6 am and have been tight ever since.

of course, there has been lotsa drama in-between. we were roommates at one time, which had its share of good times (many many) and challenging ones. and when my friend paul tested postive in 85 or 86, and i started losing my sanity, he remained slightly detached but always supportive, and luckily for me it has stayed that way ever since.

he was part of a circle of friends that took me in as i was flip flopping around in the late 70's. i had left home when i was sixteen and moved to chicago to fend for myself, and had run into some dramas over the 5 or so years until i met them. they were a few years older and had already slid into a sense of themselves. i, however, had not had the luxury, nor the stability, to do that yet. in many ways, i was still struggling to learn how to survive, make money, pay rent, and surf my emotional tides, and under their tutelage, i began to construct some of the framework of the person i have become today.

his father was gay and had moved to denver for awhile, so he would come visit and we would have a chance to hang out. there were some really fun and heartwarming hours during those denver visits of his. and i believe it sealed our friendship on a deeper level. he was the first person i took to glenwood springs to bask in the healing waters and scenic wonder.

and he has been one of the few constants during my tumultuous drama. there have been oh so many fires that burned very bright and fizzled out too quickly, and he has remained available for me to hang on to when i thought i was drowning.

over the years, he has shown me what strength is, what kindness is, how to maintain, and how to forgive. these are some of the lessons of adulthood that are paramount to happiness for me. i continue to be humbled and to be grateful for the grace of this friendship. and indeed this is oneof the best feelings i will ever have.

today's sound choice is the wonderful jason mraz with "in my life"



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forget-me-not

I got this email today much to my surprise. it came totally out of the blue and i found myself tearing up a little as i read it. i've known the author since 1980. we used to be very very close, but after i left chicago, things changed quite a bit. i am so blessed to have people in my life who know my history and still show interest in who i am.

i have been working on opening myself up to love. and i have been aware that the love may come in a myriad of forms.

You rock Mr. Rushing. Not only are you one of the funniest, kindest and most generous persons I have ever known -but your life is so benevolent to everyone around you!!! I am very impressed with all that you are giving to the world and am so happy you have tapped into a wonderful career for helping people.Blue and I are struggling to survive in this crazy economy right now and it is our sense of humor that helps us to keep on. We constantly laugh at our foibles and all this madness we have created in our lives and that's a good thing!!! Todd and Eddie always ask about you - you made quite an impression on them when we saw you in S. F..
Love ,Bob

in keeping with this theme, today's sound choice is the noisettes with a single that is getting much airplay these days "never forget you". another friend left me a voicemail last weekend, saying i had to hear this because he loved it so much. and when he heard it, he thought of me.

i'm blushing and it feels really good.

thank you

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

wow what a day!! i am a little tired as i got up and started prepping for a lunch i prepared for 16 people. it was an eclectic group but all were very big in my life. my sponsor and a friend, some of my family, some work colleagues, a very good friend and her kids, and a treasured friend whom i used to date in the early 90's.

i really am in awe of them all and i wanted to do something very nice for them, but i could never have arranged to see them all individually. so cooking for them all seemed utilitarian and an opportunity to cook which is something i love to do and use my heart.

the real truth for me is that today was a gift i gave myself. i spiritfully cooked for all these people i love with sincere gratitude for putting up with me. at this stage of the game, i am not so interested in gifts or parties, but am completely interested in appreciating those who still put up with me in spite of my oh so many challenging idiosyncrasies.

and all my friends seemed to get along considering most had never met. one or two left fairly quickly, but that's okay. everyone had lunch and i presume they had seconds. the tenderloin, the asparagus, and the quinoa salad were finished up completely. the cheeses, the figs, and the beefsteak tomatoes were made invisible as well.

i don't know about any of my readers, but i have certainly put my friends and family through the ringer throughout my lifetime. and i can't erase of that from their memories or lives. so one more effort i am able to make is showing love and caring to them in ways i really haven't done before.


in memory, this is one of the sweetest celebrations i can remember. i highly recommend a thank you party for your friends. it made my birthday worth recognizing.

today's sound choice is alanis morrisette with a vh1 storyteller version of "thank you"

struggle

Diagnosis is not the end, but the beginning of practice.
Martin H. Fischer

a good friend has been talking to me about his recent diagnosis of esophageal cancer. he is frightened, naturally, and struggles with his resulting anger. he is angry at his doctors, he is angry at his workplace(although this has been going on for awhile) and he is angry with his 77 year old mother because she isn't doing things in the way he wants them done.

my natural reaction to this armor he is projecting is to try to fix the situation so that i will feel comfortable talking with him. i struggle with conflict and when folks are angry i want to deflate it- which can be useful i believe.

but in this case, i believe he needs his anger right now. he needs to process a bit and feel as if he has some power and some say in what's going on. it is a natural reaction to a diagnosis such as cancer, because one could so easily feel overpowered and helpless.

i trust that in time, he will come around and put his ineffective armor down, and let the sunlight of spirit drift back into his life. at least that is my hope for him. i guess that is my hope for me, too.

today's sound choice is manchester orchestra with "i've got friends"

swing

justin timberlake takes a swing

Then from five thousand throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
It pounded on the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile lit Casey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt.
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance flashed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.
.... from Casey at the Bat By Ernest Lawrence Thayer

yesterday held some challenges for me. i had to wade through some emotional gunk that i really wasn't in the mood for. but it happened anyway. i stood at the plate and when the pitch came in, i hesitated for a while before i swung. i can't tell you whether it was a hit, a foul, or a strike. and i'm not sure that matters, really.

for me, the important story is the swing of the bat. to tell the truth about how i felt. to be thoughtful and honest. to set a boundary with someone and say no this doesn't work for me. i have lived years afraid to take that chance. i have avoided taking my turn at bat, or i have tried to play ball while loaded so i wouldn't have to encounter that solitude waiting for the pitch and then deciding what action to take.

one more step in my jagged road to recovery...

swing!

a sound choice today is by dire straits... "sultans of swing"

this love

the Dalai Lama:
When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.

i cannot say just how much i have felt loved this week. in so many ways, both small and grand, i have found myself surrounded and hugged by people whose intention is to love me. i am completely humbled by this. i cannot say i am gracious, but certainly try to return to gratitude with it. this is not something i have consciously been aware of before in my life. it is new, and it is lovely.

if this is what the fifties feel like, i think i'm gonna love 'em.

beauty and grace

photo credit alex ibsen

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
~ Marcel Proust ~

the above work is a brainchild of one of the sweetest inspirations that has crossed my path since i have gotten clean in denver.(who resides in denver) i met him when i served on the board of rocky mountain roundup last year and worked with him on the fundraising committee. we threw parties together for a year and i found that he inspired me to be better somehow.

he is definitely an artist. he is talented, he is intense, and he brings some magic and some validation to my life. he struggles, he takes chances, he stays grounded, and he pursues his muse. of course he has a partner, who is equally gracious and engaging. i love them both.

anyway- i just got a print of the work pictured above. we went to lunch and just caught up as i hadn't seen him in a month or so. i am in a period of shifting, my priorities, my career, and my safety nets. his friendship is an oasis.

i am so very grateful for friendships and especially for alex. i am better for the fortitude and the grace he demonstrates. i am humbled by his naivete and floored by his wisdom. sometimes i don't think i deserve good friends.... but those thoughts are beginning to fade more quickly in recovery. that would be another great thing i give thanks for.