thank you

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

wow what a day!! i am a little tired as i got up and started prepping for a lunch i prepared for 16 people. it was an eclectic group but all were very big in my life. my sponsor and a friend, some of my family, some work colleagues, a very good friend and her kids, and a treasured friend whom i used to date in the early 90's.

i really am in awe of them all and i wanted to do something very nice for them, but i could never have arranged to see them all individually. so cooking for them all seemed utilitarian and an opportunity to cook which is something i love to do and use my heart.

the real truth for me is that today was a gift i gave myself. i spiritfully cooked for all these people i love with sincere gratitude for putting up with me. at this stage of the game, i am not so interested in gifts or parties, but am completely interested in appreciating those who still put up with me in spite of my oh so many challenging idiosyncrasies.

and all my friends seemed to get along considering most had never met. one or two left fairly quickly, but that's okay. everyone had lunch and i presume they had seconds. the tenderloin, the asparagus, and the quinoa salad were finished up completely. the cheeses, the figs, and the beefsteak tomatoes were made invisible as well.

i don't know about any of my readers, but i have certainly put my friends and family through the ringer throughout my lifetime. and i can't erase of that from their memories or lives. so one more effort i am able to make is showing love and caring to them in ways i really haven't done before.


in memory, this is one of the sweetest celebrations i can remember. i highly recommend a thank you party for your friends. it made my birthday worth recognizing.

today's sound choice is alanis morrisette with a vh1 storyteller version of "thank you"

you found me

image credit- look daddy (if you like the image, i encourage you to stop by and let brian know)

I found God
on the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
was all but won
All along
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, where've you been?
He said, ask anything.

a few days ago, i posted something titled "the little things" and it included a photoshopped pic of jeez-it communion wafers. well yesterday, i got a comment from the man behind the software and the image asking for a direct link to his pic. i misunderstood his request, thinking that he was directing my posts with google pics. i behaved poorly and removed the post both from here and facebook.

i truly regret that i acted like an idiot. he has remained a nice guy and rose above it all. i have been lucky enough to not have been approached by anyone before who's art i borrowed from google. and as the gentleman so graciously pointed out, i have a disclaimer which invites the authors and owners of images to inquire.

i do like the image, although i am not as religious as may be deduced from my using it. i had received communion that day and was reflecting on that.

today's sound choice is the fray(from denver) with a newer song- "you found me"

on the 9th day

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me.. an understanding of the need to make amends, and when they are made appropriately and without reservation there are to be 9 or more promises fulfilled. one promise reads- we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

I think it's important for those of us with a dual disorder to make certain we are ready to do this process. I wouldn't recommend it if you were in the middle of changing your meds, or weren't pretty stable for awhile. I didn't get all of my amends made till I had nearly two years of recovery. I made my list and worked on it but a couple of the amends were potentially pretty triggering events. I was willing but just not ready till I was ready.

here is the response i sent to my correspondant:

I am surprised and saddened by your letter. Firstly, I feel responsible because at the Council Meeting with the Mayor, I felt hesitant about responding fully to your inquiries because of our location and our task that eveniing. My intention was (and is) to fully make myself available for discussion on those items in question at future meetings. I just didn't feel it was appropriate at that particular venue to dive into the subject further. That very scenario was the 1st item on our Leadership Committee meeting agenda. But this was not communicated clearly to you and the rest of The Council and I need to take responsibility for that. I truly am sorry.

I personally know that your voice is welcomed (needed really) in this leadership environment. I have never heard anything said that would indicate anything else. The tone of your letter indicates that you are unhappy about something and feel as if we have let you down. I feel helpless with this because I had no indication that you felt this way. And now I am saddened because you give us no opportunity to work through this situation either.

The rest of us are volunteers, too. We have many things on our plate and try to move through business as best we can and as thoughtfully as we can. And sometimes oversight will happen. But if we are to grow and be able to work together, we need to be able to disagree and do it with good intention. Just as largely diverse as The Planning Council needs to be, so our patience and expectation of good intent from each other must be.

You are especially needed specifically because of your experience and history. This is a great portion of the value you offer. You understand the nuances of sitting in waiting rooms of clinics in ways that most of the leadership does not. This is part of the strength you bring to our work. Everyone that I know understands this and values it. You have worked hard to get the understanding of how all this "committee" work happens and I would implore you pause before walking away. Expect us to listen, trust that we have good intentions, disagree with us at the table, although perhaps not when we are scheduled to meet the mayor, and we will indeed listen, we need to. Or schedule a small meeting with the Leadership Committee and we can touch on this if you are hesitant with the entire PC present.

As someone who has known you for a long time, I would like to just say that I can understand that circumstances are challenging right now. I cannot even begin to comprehend the stress you are living with. In my conversations with almost everyone on this email list, I have only heard the following:
We care about you. We would love to help in any way we can. We are here if you want to talk. If you need a break, we understand. Please don't walk away thinking anything other than these facts. And don't walk away.

With True Affection

Me


on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me
at least 9 promises
a thoughtful way to engage a toxic cleanup
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

todays sound choice is total grunge.. nirvana doing "all apologies"

karma police

If you wait to be invited, you might never get to go anywhere interesting.

What if we decided to love each other with the same speed at which we decide to hate each other?

There’s a spiral in the healing process. Some of the things you deal with early on and you think you have laid them to rest, but as you grow and your life changes, they come around again and you get to heal them on a much higher level. This used to really frustrate me, but now I see it is part of the process.

Are we ever done with healing? I reframe this question to, are we ever done with growing? For me, the answer is I hope not. I hope I grow until the day I die.

We can’t force a flower to open or a carrot to grow. Nor can we force our own process nor make it go faster.

The real crime of the heart is never to reveal it....

borrowed quotes from wholebalance blog

i have a friend that i met first in the mixed gay/lesbian chorus in denver about 22 years ago in denver. we were never really that close, but were chummy none-the-less. i left denver in late '99 and went to live in san francisco. that was the trigger of a demise for me as sf was the city where i started partying again with coke and late meth. it didn't fare very well for me at the time. i remember a lot of drama and trauma.

i came back to denver and attempted to get clean a couple of times. of course, getting clean is a process and it took some time to figure out that i was going to need to go a bit deeper if i was to actually kick the bitch. my friend offered to let me rent his basement apartment which was gracious, and i ended up taking him up on his offer.

i relapsed again while living there, and ended up taking advantage of his kindness and not in a nice way. it tainted our friendship and it has not returned to a semblance of its original. i made a serious effort to make it good as soon as i could. i was not settled at the time, and hadn't worked a steady job in about 3 years.

i made an amends (or thought i had) as soon as i had entered into a 12step program. i especially felt the part about taking responsibility for my own actions and doing the amends with the sole purpose of accepting whatever i received as a result of the said action.

his words have been kind at most junctures since that time. i have seen him on occasion and have traded formalities when our paths have crossed. but i have found out in the last year and a half that he is not quite as forgiving as perhaps he lets on. at a catering gig last year he accused me of stealing a catering client from him. granted, i have been working for her steadily for 3 years, but i have never been cooking. i have only been doing bartending and service work for her. she has hired other caterers to cook instead of him. i am fully aware that she made this decisions completely independently of my input. the hurtful thing about his accusation was that he made it in front of an entire room of staff. what was most hurtful was that i had done all i had done in earnest.

i bartended a party for him again yesterday. again the hurtful feelings return. he is making fun of me with two other staff members. it stung like a hornet. not because what he was saying hurt so much, but because he has chosen to lift himself up by demeaning me, in lieu of discussing any issues he has directly with me. this is part that hurts. this is the part that causes me pain. this is the hypocrite in him that creates harm.

this behavior is quite familiar to me. i engaged in and utilized it for years. i wore it as a protective cloth to keep my own feelings as distant from my heart as possible. i am quite sure i am on the receiving end of some of the same unwell actions i have imparted upon others on many an occasion.

and this is what i must accept as part of life, learn what i can from, and let go. this may take time.

today's sound choice is "karma police" by radiohead

seeing stars

so it is friday morning 5am in west hollywood and i am preparing for the day. i have breakfast planned and then off to a morning meeting to meet marc, who is graciously loaning me the use of his vehicle, then off to do a long overdue amends. i am a bit curious about the outcome, but rather am anxious to finally get it done.

i am staying with a friend who now lives in palm springs. he is in town for a different conference and so it allows us both time to catch up. i met him in my early sobriety and our friendship has its basis in some of that. he already has made me laugh and feel welcome and shaken some of my nerves away.

tonight i'll go to the opening meeting of cmala. i really can use this ritual at this time. i got a great email from a friend in sf that i haven't heard from in awhile. it is another lovely reminder that i am thought of and loved. sometimes in my life i need that more than others.

i'm seeing stars....

amends

today amends are on my mind. here is what i found on steps 8 and 9 from legacy aa

The next two Steps contain the listing of those whom we have harmed and the making of amends to them. This is a very difficult couple of steps, and surely requires Right Effort. Right Effort is especially appropriate here in that it involves efforts made with regard to karma. The making of amends is a way of eradicating karma, and helps to make us mindful of karma-inducing behaviors and their emotional consequences. Tav Sparks makes a very interesting point, that those involved in this kind of "deep" Step work "somehow get the feeling that they are healing not just themselves, but also an entire family or cultural pattern." This kind of karmic reparations go beyond this lifetime, and this "skin encapsulated ego" to heal much greater wounds. Right effort also involves " avoiding and overcoming unwholesome states of mind while developing and maintaining wholesome ones." This is a good example of Step Ten, where one continues their moral inventories. It is often called a "maintenance step" but this misses the importance of its potential for ever-greater awareness and resolve.

i was at a meeting yesterday and i shared about some longtime resistance i have to making amends to a family member. i realize the resistance is all me. i understand that my ego is what is behind most of this. i am aware that it is not in line with how i want my life to proceed. i don't want to be in resistance and resentment. i have worked fairly diligently to eradicate these aspects of my life.

but i am also human and i have these things in my head and even in my heart. i have not fully forgiven myself for behaving as badly as i have. and i have not even come close to forgiving my relative for their part. and i think that part of me wants to justify my resistance by making excuses and not walking the walk, and part of me may just not be ready to move forward.

i think i might see this relative next weekend. so all my hesitation and fear around this may need to shift. at least i hope it can shift. i am going to trust that i will know what to do when it is time.

sounds so easy, doesn't it....?????