on the 9th day

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me.. an understanding of the need to make amends, and when they are made appropriately and without reservation there are to be 9 or more promises fulfilled. one promise reads- we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

I think it's important for those of us with a dual disorder to make certain we are ready to do this process. I wouldn't recommend it if you were in the middle of changing your meds, or weren't pretty stable for awhile. I didn't get all of my amends made till I had nearly two years of recovery. I made my list and worked on it but a couple of the amends were potentially pretty triggering events. I was willing but just not ready till I was ready.

here is the response i sent to my correspondant:

I am surprised and saddened by your letter. Firstly, I feel responsible because at the Council Meeting with the Mayor, I felt hesitant about responding fully to your inquiries because of our location and our task that eveniing. My intention was (and is) to fully make myself available for discussion on those items in question at future meetings. I just didn't feel it was appropriate at that particular venue to dive into the subject further. That very scenario was the 1st item on our Leadership Committee meeting agenda. But this was not communicated clearly to you and the rest of The Council and I need to take responsibility for that. I truly am sorry.

I personally know that your voice is welcomed (needed really) in this leadership environment. I have never heard anything said that would indicate anything else. The tone of your letter indicates that you are unhappy about something and feel as if we have let you down. I feel helpless with this because I had no indication that you felt this way. And now I am saddened because you give us no opportunity to work through this situation either.

The rest of us are volunteers, too. We have many things on our plate and try to move through business as best we can and as thoughtfully as we can. And sometimes oversight will happen. But if we are to grow and be able to work together, we need to be able to disagree and do it with good intention. Just as largely diverse as The Planning Council needs to be, so our patience and expectation of good intent from each other must be.

You are especially needed specifically because of your experience and history. This is a great portion of the value you offer. You understand the nuances of sitting in waiting rooms of clinics in ways that most of the leadership does not. This is part of the strength you bring to our work. Everyone that I know understands this and values it. You have worked hard to get the understanding of how all this "committee" work happens and I would implore you pause before walking away. Expect us to listen, trust that we have good intentions, disagree with us at the table, although perhaps not when we are scheduled to meet the mayor, and we will indeed listen, we need to. Or schedule a small meeting with the Leadership Committee and we can touch on this if you are hesitant with the entire PC present.

As someone who has known you for a long time, I would like to just say that I can understand that circumstances are challenging right now. I cannot even begin to comprehend the stress you are living with. In my conversations with almost everyone on this email list, I have only heard the following:
We care about you. We would love to help in any way we can. We are here if you want to talk. If you need a break, we understand. Please don't walk away thinking anything other than these facts. And don't walk away.

With True Affection

Me


on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me
at least 9 promises
a thoughtful way to engage a toxic cleanup
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

todays sound choice is total grunge.. nirvana doing "all apologies"

amends

today amends are on my mind. here is what i found on steps 8 and 9 from legacy aa

The next two Steps contain the listing of those whom we have harmed and the making of amends to them. This is a very difficult couple of steps, and surely requires Right Effort. Right Effort is especially appropriate here in that it involves efforts made with regard to karma. The making of amends is a way of eradicating karma, and helps to make us mindful of karma-inducing behaviors and their emotional consequences. Tav Sparks makes a very interesting point, that those involved in this kind of "deep" Step work "somehow get the feeling that they are healing not just themselves, but also an entire family or cultural pattern." This kind of karmic reparations go beyond this lifetime, and this "skin encapsulated ego" to heal much greater wounds. Right effort also involves " avoiding and overcoming unwholesome states of mind while developing and maintaining wholesome ones." This is a good example of Step Ten, where one continues their moral inventories. It is often called a "maintenance step" but this misses the importance of its potential for ever-greater awareness and resolve.

i was at a meeting yesterday and i shared about some longtime resistance i have to making amends to a family member. i realize the resistance is all me. i understand that my ego is what is behind most of this. i am aware that it is not in line with how i want my life to proceed. i don't want to be in resistance and resentment. i have worked fairly diligently to eradicate these aspects of my life.

but i am also human and i have these things in my head and even in my heart. i have not fully forgiven myself for behaving as badly as i have. and i have not even come close to forgiving my relative for their part. and i think that part of me wants to justify my resistance by making excuses and not walking the walk, and part of me may just not be ready to move forward.

i think i might see this relative next weekend. so all my hesitation and fear around this may need to shift. at least i hope it can shift. i am going to trust that i will know what to do when it is time.

sounds so easy, doesn't it....?????