amends

today amends are on my mind. here is what i found on steps 8 and 9 from legacy aa

The next two Steps contain the listing of those whom we have harmed and the making of amends to them. This is a very difficult couple of steps, and surely requires Right Effort. Right Effort is especially appropriate here in that it involves efforts made with regard to karma. The making of amends is a way of eradicating karma, and helps to make us mindful of karma-inducing behaviors and their emotional consequences. Tav Sparks makes a very interesting point, that those involved in this kind of "deep" Step work "somehow get the feeling that they are healing not just themselves, but also an entire family or cultural pattern." This kind of karmic reparations go beyond this lifetime, and this "skin encapsulated ego" to heal much greater wounds. Right effort also involves " avoiding and overcoming unwholesome states of mind while developing and maintaining wholesome ones." This is a good example of Step Ten, where one continues their moral inventories. It is often called a "maintenance step" but this misses the importance of its potential for ever-greater awareness and resolve.

i was at a meeting yesterday and i shared about some longtime resistance i have to making amends to a family member. i realize the resistance is all me. i understand that my ego is what is behind most of this. i am aware that it is not in line with how i want my life to proceed. i don't want to be in resistance and resentment. i have worked fairly diligently to eradicate these aspects of my life.

but i am also human and i have these things in my head and even in my heart. i have not fully forgiven myself for behaving as badly as i have. and i have not even come close to forgiving my relative for their part. and i think that part of me wants to justify my resistance by making excuses and not walking the walk, and part of me may just not be ready to move forward.

i think i might see this relative next weekend. so all my hesitation and fear around this may need to shift. at least i hope it can shift. i am going to trust that i will know what to do when it is time.

sounds so easy, doesn't it....?????