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Monday, December 8, 2008

karma police

If you wait to be invited, you might never get to go anywhere interesting.

What if we decided to love each other with the same speed at which we decide to hate each other?

There’s a spiral in the healing process. Some of the things you deal with early on and you think you have laid them to rest, but as you grow and your life changes, they come around again and you get to heal them on a much higher level. This used to really frustrate me, but now I see it is part of the process.

Are we ever done with healing? I reframe this question to, are we ever done with growing? For me, the answer is I hope not. I hope I grow until the day I die.

We can’t force a flower to open or a carrot to grow. Nor can we force our own process nor make it go faster.

The real crime of the heart is never to reveal it....

borrowed quotes from wholebalance blog

i have a friend that i met first in the mixed gay/lesbian chorus in denver about 22 years ago in denver. we were never really that close, but were chummy none-the-less. i left denver in late '99 and went to live in san francisco. that was the trigger of a demise for me as sf was the city where i started partying again with coke and late meth. it didn't fare very well for me at the time. i remember a lot of drama and trauma.

i came back to denver and attempted to get clean a couple of times. of course, getting clean is a process and it took some time to figure out that i was going to need to go a bit deeper if i was to actually kick the bitch. my friend offered to let me rent his basement apartment which was gracious, and i ended up taking him up on his offer.

i relapsed again while living there, and ended up taking advantage of his kindness and not in a nice way. it tainted our friendship and it has not returned to a semblance of its original. i made a serious effort to make it good as soon as i could. i was not settled at the time, and hadn't worked a steady job in about 3 years.

i made an amends (or thought i had) as soon as i had entered into a 12step program. i especially felt the part about taking responsibility for my own actions and doing the amends with the sole purpose of accepting whatever i received as a result of the said action.

his words have been kind at most junctures since that time. i have seen him on occasion and have traded formalities when our paths have crossed. but i have found out in the last year and a half that he is not quite as forgiving as perhaps he lets on. at a catering gig last year he accused me of stealing a catering client from him. granted, i have been working for her steadily for 3 years, but i have never been cooking. i have only been doing bartending and service work for her. she has hired other caterers to cook instead of him. i am fully aware that she made this decisions completely independently of my input. the hurtful thing about his accusation was that he made it in front of an entire room of staff. what was most hurtful was that i had done all i had done in earnest.

i bartended a party for him again yesterday. again the hurtful feelings return. he is making fun of me with two other staff members. it stung like a hornet. not because what he was saying hurt so much, but because he has chosen to lift himself up by demeaning me, in lieu of discussing any issues he has directly with me. this is part that hurts. this is the part that causes me pain. this is the hypocrite in him that creates harm.

this behavior is quite familiar to me. i engaged in and utilized it for years. i wore it as a protective cloth to keep my own feelings as distant from my heart as possible. i am quite sure i am on the receiving end of some of the same unwell actions i have imparted upon others on many an occasion.

and this is what i must accept as part of life, learn what i can from, and let go. this may take time.

today's sound choice is "karma police" by radiohead



Wayward Son said...

I am sorry this person has hurt your feelings. I have quite tender ones myself. Whenever my own get hurt I try and remember that everything is a call for love or an expression of love and that there is no in between. That way I can look at things differently and understand that it is pain that causes one to disparage others. No exception. I am not always successful at remembering that but have some good friends to remind me when I forget.

Java said...

It is a sad state of affairs. I am sorry you were hurt, but at the same time I think you have a pretty good handle on your emotions this time. Good luck, my friend.

Ain't Karma a bitch?

Michele Benjamin RN, MSN said...

I love your blog!!!
and your realness!!!

Anonymous said...

You're beautiful

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