cultural competence?

crazy is in the eye of the beholder

the crash

Black Gay Male Escort’s Story: Drugs, AIDS & Depression

image and post courtesy of the black gay men's blog

I recently sat down for brunch with a very interesting, retired black gay male escort, who wanted to share his story with Black Gay Men’s Blog. We are calling him Duane because he prefers to remain anonymous, but felt that his story of prostitution aka hustling, drug addiction, bareback sex, AIDS, depression and isolation might be beneficial to some of our readers.

Before I go any further, let me warn you that some of the details recounted might be disturbing. I had a very frank, deep and disturbing interview with Duane over brunch and I am going to try my best to share HIS story without interjecting any judgment. I ask that you guys try not to be too harsh on him as I think we can all learn something from Duane’s story.

Duane is a black gay male, aged 30, who currently lives in Brooklyn, NY. He was raised in Manhattan, as an only child, by a single mother, who sadly passed away 6 years ago. Duane has only met his father once when he was a kid and has no idea where he is today. Duane was diagnosed with AIDS(hopefully you know that there is a difference between an AIDS diagnosis and being HIV positive), when he found out he was positive in September 2010. He currently has a host of health complications and is a shadow of his former self – an extremely attractive black man. Current physical appearance aside, there is something very endearing about Duane and I found myself able to see the inner him and not what he had done, or become..... read the rest of this entry at the black gay men's blog

beautiful men and meth

Beautiful Men and Meth: How Killer Looks Become Looks That Kill
by Mark Olmsted

(“Steve” is a composite of some of the men I’ve met in recovery, some of whom committed suicide-by-relapse. Constructing this fictional biography is part of an attempt to figure out how inordinate physical beauty—a trait most of us envy—creates its own set of issues in relation to addiction.)
“Steve” grows up in a churchgoing Ohio family, one of three kids. He is just masculine enough to “pass” in high school, or maybe it’s the fact that the girls think he’s so cute. In college he starts to wonder if his attraction to men isn’t as “bad” as he was taught, though his first sexual forays –with his fraternity brothers–involve copious amounts of alcohol. This starts a lifelong association between sex and intoxication.
Steve can’t wait to move to the L.A., where he gets a real estate license and begins to hit the gym with fervor. He comes out to his family, but the topic is largely avoided after he does. He finds the competition at work very tough, and is relieved to land a job as a bartender. His head-turning looks make him an immediate hit, and he learns how to enjoy being the center of attention—a little easier when part of the job is letting customers buy you shots. After work one night, a co-worker offers him his first bump of crystal, but he turns it down. He sees how wrapped up in it some get, and doesn’t want to risk being whispered about. (Being a bartender has reinforced his burgeoning sense that who he is and how he is seen by others are one and the same.)

Steve has a series of casual boyfriends, but bartending doesn’t mix well with relationships. Besides, he likes to go out and always gets propositioned. On his days off, he meets guys at the gym or on line. On some level, he recognizes that the sex is far less important to him than the moment when they say they want him. The compliments even embarrass him a little, but he becomes addicted to hearing them.

One night he goes home with a porn star every inch a fantasy. He offers Steve some crystal, and this time Steve says yes. It’s the first time he has leather sex and engages in serious role play. The connection with this guy seems so intense and real. The crash sucks, but by the next weekend Steve is at it again

The porn star is in an open relationship, and Steve can’t believe he’s letting himself get involved anyway. He’s also having unsafe sex, even though HIV hasn’t been discussed. Aside from the crystal, Steve starts doing steroids. When it’s suggested he do some porn, all of his buttons are pushed. It’s as if the more validation he gets, the more he needs. Steve slowly loses touch with what used to make him feel unique—that funny kid who loved to draw and wanted to be an engineer or architect.

Steve calls in sick a few times too many at work, and they start to give his shifts away. To make ends meet, he starts working on the side as an escort. Soon the “new normal” is even more money and more attention. Now he makes his living straddling the divide between fantasy and reality. He can’t even imagine pulling it off without the meth. When he is high, he feels like the man his clients perceive him to be.
Eventually, of course, the meth stops working the way it used to. Steve is antsy and distracted on his calls, and his repeat clients drop him. His life becomes smaller and smaller. He spends hours on the computer, often hooking up with the same guys he used to dismiss as “tweakers.” He gets a staph infection, and uses it to wheedle money from his mom. Thankfully his family flies into town and stages an intervention. By then, Steve is finally ready to enter rehab.
It’s easy enough to dismiss Steve’s behavior as narcissism, but he’s really just reacted quite rationally to a culture which treats extreme good looks as if they represent far more fundamental qualities. When you are physically “blessed,” people tend to ascribe a lot of traits to you that you may not actually have. It’s much easier not to work on yourself–emotionally, intellectually and spiritually–when a hard body and a winning smile get you all the strokes our society tells you equal happiness.

Many gay men are co-conspirators in this process. We flatter and objectify as we feel flattered by being objectified; we put the hyper-beautiful on pedestals and then wonder how they can fall off. We find it hard to imagine that if we had that face and that body, we wouldn’t have all the raw materials required to win the game of life.

This culture of validation results in a lot of men looking for answers in the mirror, or in the reflection of themselves they see in your eyes. What meth does is blur the line between self and image; it creates the illusion, momentarily, that you are entitled to all your good press. It’s an ersatz, chemically-induced authenticity, but it temporarily squelches the sense of being a fraud—and there is relief in that.

Physical beauty is not meaningless; but we evolved an appreciation for it mostly for biological reasons. Aesthetically-pleasing features and strong bodies represent healthy genes. We won’t stop wanting those who we want—nor should we try. But we can aim for a right-sized reaction to beauty, not attaching assumptions to it that are more projections of our own desire than anything else.
I’ve seen plenty of men get and stay clean. Whether or not they are perceived as physically beautiful, those who succeed universally learn to measure themselves by that which is immeasurable: kindness, love, a spiritual understanding of existence. These are things that never fade and cannot grow old, but always get better with age.

Mark Olmsted is a freelance writer and editor based in Los Angeles. He can be read at the Huffington Post and http://www.thetrashwhisperer.blogspot.com/. He can be emailed at markolmsted@gmail.com and found on Facebook. This article reprinted from Living In The Queer Times

when (and why) boys fly

the following is reprinted as a community service from http://www.mymethlife.org/

How many gay men are using crystal meth

Reports using probability sampling in the United States indicate that up to 13% of adult MSM used methamphetamine in the previous 6 months (Celetano et al, 2006). Among MSM aged 15-22 years, 20.1% reported using methamphetamine over a similar period (Thiede et at, 2003). In a 2000-2001 baseline study of methamphetamine use among MSM, use was at 18% in San Francisco and 7% in New York City (Mansergh, CDC 2006). In 2006 Halkitis reported that use and abuse of methamphetamine by MSM in New York City had risen sharply, reporting on a sample of club drug using MSM he found that 65% indicated that they had used methamphetamine in the past 4 months. In addition, anecdotal reports indicate that large numbers of MSM are attending the many crystal meth anonymous (CMA) 12 step recovery groups in New York City. In the overall conclusions of his study on methamphetamine use, sexual behavior and HIV seroconversion (2006) Halkitis indicated that methamphetamine use is endemic to urban gay and bisexual men in cities which are HIV epicenters.

Should crystal meth be a concern for all gay men, including gay men of color?

A number of studies and public health reports have also cited the growing problem of crystal methamphetamine (crystal) use among gay men (NASTAD, 2004; Halkitis, Parsons & Stirratt, 2001; Halkitis, Fischgrund & Parsons, 2005; Halkitis, Shrem & Martin, 2005). Empirical research and drug surveillance data have further indicated that crystal use is a growing problem among MSM of color, particularly Black MSM (Halkitis, Parsons & Wilton, 2003; Reback & Grella, 1999; Semple, Patterson & Grant, 2002; Semple, Zians, Grant & Patterson, 2005).

Are gay men of color using crystal?

•Recent studies have showed that crystal is also being used at increasing rates by men of color including Latinos and Black men.

•Men of color report different issues and/or reasons why they use crystal. From 2005 to 2007, the Community Based Research (CBR) division of the Institute for Gay Men's Health at Gay Men's Health Crisis (GMHC) conducted research to inform crystal campaigns targeting the general MSM community and MSM of color in NYC. Interviews identified reasons impacting crystal use which included low self-esteem, curiosity, homophobia, isolation, escapism and other coping mechanisms. Other themes that surfaced from the interviews included: crystal stigma, crystal use across races, crystal in comparison to other drugs, crystal as manageable drug and crystal use consequences.

•The Latino Commission on AIDS reports that men of color experience more social pressure which impact their likelihood to use crystal meth. This may be due in part to racism and the longing for a sense of belonging to a group. The desire to be part of the gay culture, driven by social isolation new immigrants face drives many of these men who have sex with men to succumb to pressure and use meth.

•A study done of men who use club drugs by Halkitis and Jerome (2007) compares methamphetamine use between Black gay and bisexual men in relation to men of other races. They found that almost half of the Black men (49%) in the sample indicated use of methamphetamine in the 4 months prior to assessment, a proportion somewhat lower than their White counterparts. In terms of frequency and reasons for use, Black methamphetamine users did not differ in any substantive way compared to other races and ethnicities. They concluded by saying that once a drug considered popular only among White gay men, methamphetamine use has been shown to transcend racial and ethnic lines. Because of the synergy that exists between use of the drug, the concentrated levels of HIV in the Black gay population, and the sexual disinhibition engendered with methamphetamine use, this drug presents a potentially mounting public health challenge.

What do gay men of color think about crystal use?

•GMHC research has pointed out that among men of color there are myths and constructions of crystal that inform their views about the drug. One particular finding showed that crystal and crystal use was constructed in largely contradictory and stigmatizing ways. Research participants shared both that crystal is a "White" drug but also reported that people of color are using it. Another finding was that they referred to crystal as a "gay" drug only but also reported that everyone uses it. Research participants referred to crystal users as crack heads, rich, reckless HIV + users.

What are some of the underlying reasons that gay men use crystal meth?

Research shows that crystal meth is used for a variety of reasons for coping with life experiences, both physical and social. At GMHC, we have also conducted research and evaluation projects for our work creating crystal campaigns targeting MSM's.
Some of the emergent themes from the research that impact the use of crystal meth are:
•low self-esteem
•curiosity
•homophobia/stigma
•isolation
•escapism
•coping mechanism

Why would these underlying reasons influence the use of crystal meth?

Due to the drug's euphoric and stimulant effects, many crystal users say the drug provides an escape from stress, depression, alienation, and loneliness.
Many men report a greater facility in social settings which provide them a great sense of community. In a culture where the strong focus on physical appearance and sexual performance can be destructive of men's self-esteem, intimate relationships, and the enjoyment of a wide range of life activities, many men report that, initially, crystal helps them to feel more attractive, sexually desirable, and socially connected.
Gay men and MSM also report that the drug helps them cope with the homophobia and prejudice they experience in everyday life. In the case of HIV-positive gay men, crystal meth is used as a way to avoid the stress and pressures associated with dealing with their illness and the stigma of having HIV.

Crystal meth's ability to heighten the senses and increase stamina cannot be underestimated — and its use in conjunction with sexual activity serves, for many gay men, as a means of coping with feelings of isolation and loneliness and other psychological stressors. Using crystal meth gay men can "leave" reality and indulge in pleasurable experiences, such as dancing, partying and sex.

social marketing

seth

image by hans op de beeck

Hearts gone astray
Deep in her when they go
I went away,
 just when you needed me so
You won't regret
I'll come back begging you
Won't you forget
Welcome love we once knew

i met him about 3 years ago as i finished up a long stint working as an advocate. i was co-facilitating a support group for poz people w/substance use disorders. somehow he stood apart from the rest. he was not the best looking nor the friendliest, but he seemed probably one of the most intelligent men i had encountered there and one of the most intricately entangled too.

his drug of choice had been meth. probably always meth. but that was coupled with a gambling obsession that fueled and encircled his addiction. he was a dealer at the the casinos in the foothills for years, but had lost his position(s) due to ramifications of heavy IV meth use. he had drifted back to the city to find work and was dealing cards again in underground parties to get by. as it usually goes, one party got busted and he was arrested. a tox-screen displayed evidence of meth use and treatment was ordered as part of his probation. this is when and where he first became known to me.

he had gone from making 70 grand a year dealing cards to 70 dollars a night waiting tables. in addition to his obvious ability to grasp concepts and themes in group, it was apparent that he was complicated and quite guarded in what he would bring forth. he seemed very private and more likely ambivalent about what was necessary and what he preferred. this is all so recognizable to most people with a substance use issue. there is a vast chasm between what we know we should do and what we are compelled to do. i drifted from that position after only a month or so of encountering him and charged through my life as is my way.

about 2 years later i encountered him again, this time in a different venue. he had finally finished his probation which had begun as 18 months and had dragged on for 3 years. he had quit injecting meth, had been working steadily, and gotten his hiv issues mostly under control. we discussed the idea of smoking cessation, but he was in precontemplation mostly. i was able to catch up with his journey a bit. he seemed much more open and at peace than i remembered, and i got a pretty good feeling about it all.

he stopped in once every few months and all seemed well. but there was a syphilis diagnosis and he had to come in for a series of shots over 3 weeks and the picture shifted somewhat. he no longer seemed as grounded. he started talking about changing his situation. he said he was tired of his restaurant job and was going to move to dallas to live with his best friend and her husband. he didn't have a job prospect, but really needed a change. that was on february 4th. one month later, he was removed from his apartment after injecting an extremely large amount of methamphetamine.

he died fairly instantly and it was not a well publicized story. i didn't find out until 2 weeks ago. there had been a very small service and it was reported to be quite sweet. his ex-partner had to identify the body and has been traumatized since, although this particular situation may bring some some necessary change to the latter's life that he hasn't been able to create on his own.

i have been a bit stunned and very sad. it reminds me again of the impotence i can feel when working with others. there will be no change until change is desired. yes someone may have to hit their bottom in order to find motivation to do something different, but i think it is definitely worth using intervention and treatment to keep that bottom from being as far down as it was for seth... that damn bitch tina seems to be working overtime, all the time, every which way and loose.

may peace be with you my friend, and with those of us left behind...

love the one you're with

The following is a repost from "let's talk about meth" from the dc working group. there is much thoughtful insight into what can be excruciatingly painful and confusing when dealing with someone who is twacked on meth. there is a reduction in the obviousness of meth use in our community, and much of the press around the "meth crisis" has waned, however, there continue to be members of our community who are at various stages of interludes with meth and many times their lives and relationships become tattered or disintegrate.
acknowledging there is a problem and then finding the where-with-all to talk about it is the first step in lessening the fear and reducing any stigma, both for the user and their loved ones.

THE COURSE OF ADDICTION ON RELATIONSHIPS

Although every intimate relationship is certainly unique, predictable patterns often emerge when addiction joins the partnership. As addiction develops and evolves, most couples experi-ence parallel changes in how their relation-ship feels and functions. The common progres-sion looks something like this:


Explanations: Early in the development of the addiction, you and your partner explain away his occasional episodes of excessive drug use or drinking. You may attri-bute them to unusual stress at work or a birthday celebration gone too far, for example. Although the events come and go, your anger, embar-rassment, or disappointment may start to build up.


Doubt and distrust: Soon you realize that your partner's drug use/drinking is not normal, and you begin to pressure him to be more careful, cut down, or quit. This can be especially difficult if you both drank or used drugs together, you now stop, but your partner doesn't. In this case, your partner might see the problem not as his own substance abuse but as your sudden attitude reversal towards this once shared activity. Regardless, you now become the bad guy or the nagging mother in the relationship.
At the same time, you try to hide his problem from the outside and keep up a good front,which can become exhausting over time. You may notice more negative emotions creeping in. Where is he? He's hungover and now I have to do all the yard work. What is he doing all night? I hate that I don't believe him. As resentment and distrust emerge, so too might the apologies and promises not to let it happen again. You forgive again because you love him.


Crisis: Now you can no longer pretend everything is OK, and you spend much of the time going from crisis to crisis. Life seems quiet for a while. Then all of a sudden - another binge, another chunk of money gone, another 3-day disappearance, another lie that's backfired. The emotional roller coaster consumes your energy. You may feel helpless and unable to control the emotional or practical chaos of your own house-hold. At this point, you might start seeking outside help.


Sex can become a central and divisive issue, particularly when crystal meth is involved. A common scenario goes like this: Your sex life starts to shrivel up, he starts having sex outside the relationship or going beyond the agreements in your "open" relationship. You may feel ignored sexually or even feel manipulat-ed if your partner uses sex to "make up" for something he's done or to prove he loves you even though he's acting like an ass. Ultimately, sex can become some-thing to avoid, withhold, or use as emotional leverage.


If you're worried that his sexual activ-ity might bring home HIV or an STD, start insisting on condoms, having less anal sex and getting tested more frequently. Many men take greater sexual risks when under the influence, so your concerns are certainly valid. Do what you need to protect yourself.


Coming to terms: Your coping abilities eventually become stronger and now you clearly see the addiction. You gradually assume a larger share of the responsibility for the home, friend/family commitments, and taking care of your own needs. You become more resilient to his lies and denial and less guilty for not getting pulled into them.


This period sometimes becomes the "ultimatum phase." You want to help, you want to stick by him, but you can't do it unconditionally. Many partners set new limits (or at least stop adjusting old ones) and begin to envision a possible change or end to the relationship.


Disentangling: At this point, the "we" evolves into "you and me" as you begin to see yourself more separately from your partner or his addiction. Many turn to counseling, with or without their partners, in attempts to either arrest the addiction or deal with its consequences. It may be useful to work with a coun-selor with specialized experience in addiction and for each partner to see his own therapist outside of couples counseling.


Should I leave? becomes a common question here. How long do I try and how far do I go to help until I just can't anymore? Clearly, the answer is different in each relationship, but there are two situations in which you should strongly consider separation, even if only temporarily:


1.Your partner's addiction is making you sick as well and you are no longer the person you used to be. Perhaps you see yourself more depressed, withdrawn from friends, not doing the fun hobbies you used to, or having prob-lems at work because you're so distracted.


2.Your own financial, physical, or legal security is in jeopardy. Physical or sexual violence should never be tolerated.


Addiction can have cata-strophic legal and financial consequences. Watch out for deep trouble spots and take steps to protect yourself as much as possible. Distancing yourself can be tricky, of course, if you co-own a house, bank account, or other assets, but it is even more critical in these cases. Co-ownership is also an emotional symbol of trust and commitment in most relationships. Talk to a legal or financial professional for objective advice.


Some men feel a lot of social pressure to stay in a relationship. They don't want to appear too "heart-less," or they worry what friends might say if they jump ship too soon. And what do you do about all the friends you and your partner share? What if you adore his family and they adore you? This is where trust-ing your instincts is important.


Too many guys have prolonged painful relationships by not believing their own sense that something is wrong. There are so many ways to talk yourself out of your own gut feelings. Maybe I'm overreacting. He said he didn't get high last night. Well I acted like a jerk too. But no matter what your partner says or what your own head says, your gut will always know when something doesn't feel right. Listen to yourself, trust yourself, believe yourself. If something feels wrong, it probably is.






Reorganizing: You either reconcile with your partner in his recovery or restructure your life without him.If the relationship ends, it doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough to make it work. Or that you didn't do the right things along the way. The responsibility for the relationship lies equally between you. He is responsible for his addiction and for its consequences on others. That may not lessen your sense of loss, betrayal, or anger, but it may help you move forward knowing that the decision to leave was at least the right one for you.


You may or may not be able to con-trol the course of addiction on your relationship. But you might feel more in control if you can step back, see what is happening, and take steps to manage the challenges facing you in the moment. Just knowing that the doubt, confusion, frustration or despair you may be feeling are common and even predictable might help you regain perspective and cope more steadily.

Meth Madness

The following is a reprinted post from lifelube. it is accurate and thoughtful in my opinion. i do, however, believe that meth may inevitably lead to the death of a life(style) that a user embodies. priorites change, perceptions shift, and realities alter. in other words, there are sacrifices involved with drug use and with this one, they may be unalterably high stakes. there is a high concentration of drug and alcohol use in the lgbt community worldwide. oppression, bigotry, self-loathing, religious persecution no doubt pave the way to a life out of balance which addiction and abuse mirror. any approaches addressing these issues do need to be encouraged and supported.

2010-02-24


To the editor:

We are writing to counter the recurring and disturbing community discussion of crystal-meth use by gay men n Chicago. The unfortunate and inaccurate message that "Meth = Death" characterizes this discussion.

Fact: Approximately 90 percent to 95 percent of gay men in Chicago don't use crystal methamphetamine.
Fact: Health Department research indicates that crystal use has decreased. Among hundreds of men surveyed, 4 percent said they recently used it ( as compared to 10 percent of those surveyed five years ago ) .


Fact: National and local data indicate that only a minority of people who try a drug, including potent drugs like methamphetamine, go on to become regular users and/or dependent.


Fact: Of the small ( but important nonetheless ) percentage of Chicago gay men who are addicted to crystal, and are experiencing health and financial crises, relationship problems, and legal difficulties, most of them won't die.


Meth does not equal death.


Should we continue to challenge the allure of substances and behaviors that keep us as a community from being our best? Yes. Should we promote messaging that seeks to promote health and wellness? Yes. Can we have community dialogue and get each others‚ attention without over sensationalizing? We can and we must.
Why not emphasize our community's courage and resilience in spending the past five years tackling this issue and our accomplishments in reducing use?
Misleading and deceptive communications on such an important matter do not serve our collective physical, mental, spiritual or sexual health needs. They don't enlighten. Telling the truth is essential, involves nuance, and our community deserves no less.
For those who use the drug problematically, treatment is available and recovery is possible. Chicago has a wealth of resources to help gay men addicted to crystal, including programs at Howard Brown Health Center, Haymarket Center and Valeo at Lakeshore Hospital. Additionally, there are groups like Crystal Meth Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous that offer important support to people who want to get and stay sober.
Crystal meth is an issue of concern for those who use the drug, for those who love them, and for the community which is their home. Chicago remains committed to helping these people receive the support they need to minimize harms, reduce use or quit altogether.


Signed,


Project CRYSP ( LifeLube's momma)


projectcrysp@gmail.com

today's sound choice is radiohead with "all i need"

dopamine.... pleasure unwoven

the following is an excerpt from a film by kevin mccauley titled "pleasure unwoven". his documentary has received awards for its thoughtful look at addiction and recovery and is highlighted in the faces and voices of recovery newsletter for january 2010.

you can learn more about kevin's valiant efforts at his website....





Share

meth minutes .... usa

meth minutes 2009

Share

not just monkeying around

terry oldes is a chicagoan whose path has had some identifiable similarities with many people i interface with as well as my own. he found himelf being sucked under the whirlpool of addiction and meth abuse and has made it back to the surface. his ability to ariculate his adventures and tales puts him in a very lucky category. it becomes easy to say "there's another horror story on meth". this may have true elements, but it does not make the reading or the telling of that story worthwhile. the mere fact that another person has made it through the hell of methamphetamine with the stamina and the cognition to produce a book may give others hope that ceasing their current dalliances with the drug may be worthwhile.

Interview with SX News-Sydney, Australia



Dancing With Tina: A Memoir of Co-dependency is the true story of Terry Oldes's struggle with sexual identity, co-dependency and Crystal Meth. This very personal and sometimes graphic account traces the diverse relationships impacted by a drug that is horrifically affecting the gay community in both the United States and abroad.



The forthright and humorous manner with which Terry Oldes tell his story will hopefully discourage those who have never used Crystal Meth against the drug and inspire those who are currently using to find hope at a time when it is difficult to see.


We spoke with Terry about what motivated him to put his story down on paper, his aim in writing about such a topical issue, his road to recovery, and the media frenzy surrounding the use of Crystal Meth in the gay community.


Tell us about yourself?


Well, I'm 42 years old, was adopted as an infant in a rural Iowa community in the U.S. , and went to college in New York City to study music and acting. I came out at the age of 21, was a Mr. Gay Iowa, lived in Nashville , TN for a number of years as a singer/songwriter then moved to Chicago in 1994.


"Dancing With Tina" takes place in Oct. 2003-Oct. 2005, a period when I used Crystal Meth and had one of the most intense roller coaster rides of my life. After I walked away from the drug I started writing. By putting my meth adventures down on paper, I knew I could go back to it time and again to remind myself why I needed to stay away from Meth. Two months into the writing my therapist suggested I try to get it published since he thought I could possibly help other gay men with my experiences. By November, 2005, I had a 700 page manuscript, found a publisher within three months, began editing it down to 300 pages…and here we are….



What was the response of loved ones and friends to the writing and release of this book?



My friends were extremely open-minded and supportive. Perhaps they all viewed this as some "phase" but nobody ever judged me amongst my friends. I credit them with helping me walk away from Meth as easily as I did.


My family, however, was another matter. There is really just my father, my brother and myself and I haven't been emotionally close to my family since I was 14. There was plenty of bigotry and close mindedness throughout much of my childhood and from an early age I knew there was nothing wrong with my being gay. My brother and nephew both read my book, to my surprise, and they impressed me with how supportive they were. It wasn't exactly their can of worms, of course, but they were respectful of the piece and said they were proud of what I was trying to accomplish.


My father and I are, unfortunately, estranged. One Christmas Eve I called to wish him a happy holiday and my step-mother said, "He doesn't want to talk to you anymore". While it was certainly a shock, I can't say it was too big of a surprise, and after about a minute of feeling lost it was as if a huge rock had rolled off my back. Drug abuse is never about the drug itself, it's almost always about something deeply emotional and psychological within the user. With me it was co-dependency, which was a product of the abandonment issues I had as a child, coupled with my own natural need to pull away if someone wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be. Although I'm not necessarily happy about the scenario, having a close family just wasn't in the cards for me. This may sound a bit Pollyannaish, but I truly do feel it's a waste of time to cry over what I don't have and that I need to celebrate what I do have, which is actually quite a lot.

you can read the rest of the interview at terry's blog. a barrel full of monkeys



today's sound choice is a relatively newer single by the gossip. they have a definitive sound established and it resonates with the alternative side of my nature. their first big single "standing in the way of control" had a very similar quality to this song, i think. i like their sound and i like the tongue-in-cheek homage in the video. here is "heavy cross" by the gossip.








Share


href="http://www.facebook.com/share.php?u=" onclick="return fbs_click()" target="_blank" class="fb_share_link"<>Share on Facebook

hiv and meth-dream on

Thugs and badmen
punks and lifers
locked up interns
pigs and snitches

Rest your weary heads, all is well

You won't be strip-searched, torn up tonight
you won't be cut up, bleeding tonight
you won't be strung out, cold, shaking to your bones
wishing you were anywhere else but right here
So dream on

in june, hrsa published a new document which breaks down quite a bit that is already known about hiv positive folks who use crystal meth. there has been quite a bit of press over the last five years over this particular intersection of crises and i have come to believe that this 5 page overview is thoughtful and concise. i have also come to believe that as a nation and a culture, americans are far far behind the eight ball in understanding substance abuse and in our infancy in dealing with it. just take a look at our prison system if you need some validation on this point.

here is my current favorite excerpt from the document. the thoughtful approach that can be financially supported by the ryan white program could perhaps be utilized to garner further understanding to apply to the rest of our citizens who struggle with meth addiction but without hiv. you can read the rest of the article after the jump

Provider Strategies
Treating HIV-positive meth users requires intensive collaboration among mental health specialists, dentists, pharmacists, social workers, primary care physicians, substance abuse counselors and, in some cases, correctional employees. “Treating patients requires a team. We have an electronic medical record where we share everything, and we have case conferences almost every week,” says Disney. “The case manager makes sure the patient is connected with resources and . . . following their plan; the pharmacist meets with the client and checks to make sure they’re sticking with an HIV medication regimen; the physician is tracking the lab numbers; I’m helping them deal with the deeper emotional issues, and the dentist is working to improve oral health,” Disney adds.

Part of an effective strategy includes dispelling the myth that meth is harder to treat than other drugs. According to Shoptaw, meth users’ rate of retention in treatment is virtually the same as that for other drugs (3 out of 5 people complete treatment).5 Although no specific guidelines exist to screen for meth, some providers use general substance abuse screening tools, a modified CAGE questionnaire or, in some cases, diagnostic testing with informed consent.9

Shoptaw advises providers to use the “5 A’s”: ask if the patient uses meth, assess if he or she is willing to quit meth, advise in a clear voice that it is a good idea to quit, assist the patient with finding intervention, and arrange for followup. Providers should also become familiar with co-occurring disorders and create a referral system with medical professionals in their area who treat those disorders.6

Cultural competency is vital to help providers under­stand not only the drug but also the user population and the reasons for use. Equally important is detection of underlying mental health problems. Inclusion of mental health specialists extends to emergency rooms, where it is important to identify whether patients’ mental health problems are meth induced.

Providers are seeing a specific type of memory impairment among meth-using clients. According to a longitudinal memory performance test conducted by colleagues of Shoptaw, word recall and word recognition among meth users is worse than among clients who do not use meth—even after 6 months of abstinence. No real difference for picture recall and picture recognition tests was found between meth users and other clients.32 Providers should therefore use pictures and write down instructions as well as explain information to patients.

In addition to addressing psychological changes, providers can help counter physical changes resulting from meth use by advising patients to hydrate and to avoid wearing hats so as to lower base body temperature and reduce the risk of malignant hyperthermia. Similarly, patients should be advised to consume protein to help repair muscle fibers and naturally produce and replace dopamine.2 To treat xerostomia, providers can recommend the use of artificial saliva products or sugar-free citrus candies to stimulate saliva production.33

today's sound choice is tongue-in-cheek definitely... christian falk featuring robyn "dream on"

kicking tina

i am discovering about stage 2 recovery on a primary level. probably have been for several years. it seems i have had no idea how to really handle regular ordinary everyday emotions or interactions. i fumble with standard social exchanges. i fall back to being a clown when something else might be more effective or beneficial to me.

whine whine whine....

over the last few years, i have been graced with inspiring anger, mistrust, envy, in several persons that have been involved in my life. friends and acquaintances from recovery rooms, a former counselor who became an employer, and persons who are involved in the social network i moderate.

on way too many of these occasions, i have felt tortured and crucified, hated and resented, and judged and laughed about. i am sure that much of this is true, but i also am learning that much of this has just as much to do with the perpetrators as it does about me. it has been habit most of my life to accept these behaviors as completely my "fault" and deserved because i am, after all, less than whole. a rebuttal to this perspective is part of my 2nd stage recovery.

yes, oh wounded one,(me) i have responsibility here. i am not graceful socially, i am no comfortable in relationships-even many friendships, because i grew up an only child, and have moved constantly since i was 4, and was so very many times doing damage control and starting over because of my substance use. but i am just now realizing that even though i am flawed, i am not damaged nor am i solely responsible for anthing involving another person. i can definitely do better, yes, but i am perfectly justified in being the person i am today, flaws, hiccups, et al. i definitely want to change and grow, but where i am is good.

i write this because an old acquaintance i know who became opposed to me has been reading my blog. he never leaves commments, but he reads periodically none-the-less. i blocked his ip address a while back because some of the movements he made in my direction were hurting my feelings. i tried to let them slide thinking they would wither, yet they persisted. he has come to my workplace for a 12step meeting and talk loudly about me from the other room. when i went to my once home group to collect my 3-year chip, he stood up loudly, kicked his chair back and stormed out of the room. but the thing that hurt me the most, was the campaign to rename a meeting i helped get started called "kicking tina" with the explanation that there was a blog by a similar name and people might think that anything said on this blog would be the face and embodiment of that meeting. it did get changed to "the we program".

all well and good. i have resigned myself that the once-friendship is not healthy for me. i ran into that person at a friends art opening last year and was frozen. i couldn't pretend to be happy to see him. i wasn't. i just formed an invisible force field around me and ignored he and his friends.

part of me actually believes that someone would go to such lengths to hurt me because they like me in some weird way. but i can't condone it. nor do i want to be a punching bag for such a clumsy boxer. and part of me wonders how i inspire this kind of reaction. i definitely have a part in all this, i just don't know quite what.

but i do "get" that i am growing. i am not reliving the hurt, as i have done so often in my life. and i think i may be on the way to ceasing to recreate the hurt, too. at 50, maybe i am growing up a little, and moving on, too. i am interacting with people who have issues and deficits just as big and bigger than mine pretty regularly. there is no need to feel cornered anymore.

and my world is bigger because of all this. thank heaven for sobriety. and thank goodness for kickin tina, a spiritual life, and the rest.

today's sound choice is vintage human league with "human"

sex underground

hiv and meth... hiv and meth.... hiv and meth....

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."
-Fritz Perl

so many men i know have both of these items in their stories. is there a connection? if so, how deeply does it run? in many, perhaps the big question is which came first, the hiv or the meth? are men medicating their feelings around hiv? are they medicating their feelings about themselves with sex and using meth to get that sex? are they medicating with meth and sex? is the sex satisfying when on meth?

only the headlines have receded, but certainly the questions remain. i know very many men in recovery who state the problem is all their disease of addiction/alcoholism. but i wonder if the solution is that simple. are the men who stopped using without the hiv-sex-self esteem issues solved? if you take away the meth are the problems gone too? the gay boiz are still smokin tina and gettin online for pnp. it's fascinating to discern the reasoning. but i'll betcha if ya check the numbers, the greatest percentage of those engaging in pnp with viagra and group sex are those of poz guys. are they mind-erasing the reality of their activities? would they be as callous about barebacking if they didn't have the mind eraser? if meth wasn't blocking their conscience from their sexual activity, would they still be dallying in multiple partners and popping viagra like vitamins in order to go for days?

these are all activities that i have actively engaged in. i guess i am sharing my own experience and questioning a trend. it's no wonder it's found a home underground. and what are we as a culture of gay men doing to work with this? here's what they are doing in seattle...

SOS

i know of 7 people in their 40's who have died this year of complications from AIDS. but beneath that facade was the darker truth of meth and the destruction of their immune systems from heavy usage. their drug use and their sex had gone underground. now they have too.

christmas in prison

fellow blogger marc olmsted has been helping his friend steven todd publish a blog while steven is incarcerated. the blog is mostly about his life while in prison(for drug related charges) and i'm sure it provides steven with an outlet for expression and a way to help keep him connected to a world outside and one that probably seems so far away.

the truth for me is that i never went to jail. i broke the law consistently while i was using, but i never had to face any legal penalties or was never really caught in the wheel of justice. but steven (and marc for that matter) were snagged by the justice bus, and have been penalized with time away from the world. this is termed by us as rehabilitation, but that is one of the more hollow of terms we use in the u.s. there is mostly survival and very little rehab that goes on these institutions.

i started reading steven's blog in the middle of the year, after i had become acquainted with marc's blog. steven's a good writer, and he is incredibly skilled at including details which add much depth and color in relating the world he inhabits. i encourage you to read his blog. today's entry is especially poignant. i had tagged him with the "7 things I've learned in recovery" meme and he has responded. i think it's portrayal of his daily life is sincerely deep and revealing. i think it's something i will share with the guys in my meth group. many of them are involved in drug court and might appreciate such a reminder of why they are in group in the first place.

i am humbled at the opportunity to share stevens post during a holiday season such as this. it speaks directly to humility and gratitude which are crucial elements to my recovery process. please consider this a holiday greeting card today. and do yourself a favor and read prison's a bitch

look at what?

here is an excerpt from a seattle interview about crystal meth in 2005 with one of my personal heroes: peter staley. i think the content speaks for itself. i find myself slowly moving towards activism in this regard and hope that wherever i eventually land in my movement of beliefs and ideals that i find myself in the company of men and women who actually give a damn. there are wars to be waged, changes to fight for, and healing to nurture. still some days, i cannot believe i have survived all i have to participate in this. so sign me up mr. staley. i think the meth mystique is bullshit. it's built on a concept that there is an easy way to paradise. a quick fix. an easy feel-good with no repercussions. a fast infusion of networking and communication to other gay men and an easy for source of validation. it's none of those things in my eyes. it is merely smoke and mirrors. smoke and mirrors.

So if you could give marching orders to some group of people on this issue, who would you give them to?

Gay men in general, and in particular the guys who are not using meth. I feel strongly that if a person who would never use meth is having brunch on a Sunday with others who have used meth that weekend, and is listening to the meth users share their experience in a joking way—if the listener doesn't say anything, then by his silence he is playing a role in meth's popularity in the community. He's playing a role if he doesn't say, "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that destroyed the lives of some of my friends?"

By his silence he's complicit.

Absolutely, he's complicit. In my mind, this kind of silence is a form of pushing.

So why do so many people remain silent?

The whole basis of our community is very libertarian. The gay liberation movement's primary focus has been fighting against those who are trying to tell us how to live our lives, so we're very reluctant to tell each other how to live our lives. And rightly so. I have a strong libertarian streak. But I hope our community only takes that so far.

For example, if we had been completely libertarian during the height of the AIDS crisis in the '80s, there would have been no pressure from some gay men on other gay men that condoms be used all the time. That was our greatest hour as a community—when we started helping each other, as well as pressuring each other, and started expecting that we take care of our own. Now, here we are again, faced with a situation where the health of many gay men is under serious threat. We need to start helping and pressuring each other again.

the only difference i see in this course of action is perhaps tactical. i am not sure that pressuring is a solution. it may have worked when fear was so predominate, but change doesn't typically stick when it's coerced. if we as a culture start moving towards a deeper happiness then social norms will change. and when we adopt the helping each other philosophy truly and not as a means to manipulate then we can evolve.

oh, yes i do think that brother michael coulda stopped making changes a long time ago, but it ain't my journey. i've lived my own hell, so i try not to emphasize anyone else's. besides, he can rock da house.....

strength over speed

seattle counseling has added a new dimension to their fight with the relationship between crystal, gay men, and hiv. see crystal neon. the newest defense is a peer-based effort launched to locally challenge the agreement field that exists (as it does in almost every other large city) that it is okay to use crystal and that it doesn't hurt anybody but its users and that it's somebody else's problem.

i applaud this effort. absolutely love it. there was a time when the gay rights movement and community had to create change for themselves if they wanted change. now, it seems so many expect someone else to do the work. but this seattle effort brings back the idea that we are the captains of our own destiny. i buy into this, hook, line, and sinker.


i love the "have you quit" section. gay men who have already stopped have so much to offer in this regard. just like hiv poz guys have so much to offer new positive men. i never see enough of that.

anyway here is seattle's newest addition to both their local and our national efforts to corral the meth-y business that is pummelling gay men across the globe. strength over speed

angie baby

i have long been an angie stone fan. back in tha day, she emceed with a rap group called "the sequence", which was part of the Sugarhill Records label. they had a hit around 79 or 80 titled "funk you up" which my circle of friends used to love. she rhymed her name as "angie b the one the eyes" at that time. damn, i treasured that sound. and i hold a soft spot for old school rap to this day.

anyway, i hadn't heard this acoustic version of another song by angie until today. i really like it. and i really love the pacific northwest vibe that is workin in the vid. funny thing is, the short time i was dancing with tina "on the circuit" so to speak, i would sing along with the more popular version of this song on the dancefloor. but i think i was singing to crystal then. i was already a little off balance and there was little hope of reeling it back in. i say "thank heaven i don't have to feel this way today!" until i saw the lyrics written out, i never knew that after the phrase "isnt' it ironic" comes the phrase "all you wanna do is smoke chronic". no wonder i liked the song.

Wish I Didn't Miss You

Same old story is back again
She's not a lover, she's just a friend
I'm sick and tired for you to blame on me
Now you think it's funny
Now you wanna spend your money on girls
But you forgot when you were down
That I was around

Call my lover, hang up, call again
What in the world is happening
Listen in, but don't yell at me
Isn't it ironic all you wanna do is smoke chronic
Boy, you forgot when you were down
Who was around

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

Memories don't live like people do
I'm sick for ever believing you
Wish you'd bring back the man I knew
Was good to me, oh Lord
Everytime you say you're coming
Boy, you disappoint me, honey
How well you forgot when you were down
And I was around

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

One of these days, it's gonna happen to you
Missing a love like I'm missing you, babe yeah yeah
One of these days, when your dreams come true
That's the one that's gonna do it to you
Oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore