leave me alone

Aaow!-Hoo Hoo!

I Don't Care What You Talkin'
'Bout Baby
I Don't Care What You Say
Don't You Come Walkin'
Beggin' Back Mama
I Don't Care Anyway
Time After Time I Gave You All Of My Money
No Excuses To Make
Ain't No Mountain That I
Can't Climb Baby
All Is Going My Way

yesterday was another beautiful colorado spring day. two days ago we were in the throes of a blizzard which dumped a foot or snow along the front range- even more in the resort areas. but today the skies were incredibly blue and the temp was a comfy mid-sixties range.

i got a chance to be a little lazy today. i watched some tv, went to a program fundraiser for someone i don't know who is grappling with stage four cancer, and then went to a film with a buddy of mine. i was sleepy and sassy and i had a sweet time. we went to see "great buck howard" with john malkovich and colin hanks. certainly not earth shattering, but it made my heart smile.

i had even gotten myself to rethink my position with the 501c3, which seemed like a breath of fresh air. all in all a lovely day. and then out of the blue was a text from the author of the smear letter of last march.

It's coming up on a year since we spoke. I thought I would say hi. How are you?

funny thing is, i got heated for a hot minute. and then i realized that this person must want something. i got curious, but the only clear response i could come up with was "delete"

natural sound choice for today is michael jackson with "leave me alone" most of the copies of his vid are unembeddable, so you get pics...

a damn shame

"Man In The Mirror"

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

firstly a happy 50th birthday to michael jackson. he was born in august of the same year as madonna and me. although we aren't close any longer, there was a time in my mind that we were travelling along similar paths. that all fell apart though. i know that he starting visibly disintegrating first. he has morphed into someone completely different than he started out. but considering the extent of his arc, how could he not. i personally wish him health and wellness. and i hope he feels love and peace. happy birthday.

there is no real surprise at the following article from the washington blade. but why doesn't it outrage me? why do i just accept it quietly? when will i demand change and work for that?

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: "D.C. Clinic's HIV Case Numbers Surge"
Washington Blade (08.15.08):: Lou Chibbaro Jr.

The number of HIV-positive test results at Whitman-Walker Clinic increased by 232 percent this year, though the clinic did not test more patients, officials there said recently. In the first half of this year, Whitman-Walker tested about 6,500 patients and 266 were found to be HIV-positive. The clinic tested roughly the same number in the first half of 2007, when only 80 tested HIV-positive.

"These are troubling statistics that warrant more aggressive education, prevention, and testing initiatives," said Dr. Raymond Martins, Whitman-Walker's chief medical officer. Clinic officials are reviewing demographic and other patient information to help explain the increase. Most of the cases were gay men and African Americans, and one-third had already progressed to AIDS, Martins added.

Whitman-Walker's testing data suggest an actual increase in new HIV infections among its client base, said Martins.

"At each of our testing sites, we are seeing an increasing number of young gay men, particularly African-American men, coming to us newly infected," said Justin Goforth, director of the clinic's medical adherence unit. "These are young men who don't remember the first wave of the HIV/AIDS epidemic and came of age when effective treatments were available. As a result, they have never seen HIV as a major problem."

Whitman-Walker recently conducted focus groups among African-American heterosexuals and young gay men, including men of color, to see why infections are rising among certain groups, the clinic said.

"One surprising theme emerged - even though everyone recognized HIV was a serious issue, every group identified HIV as really being a problem for another demographic group," according to a clinic statement. "This is of great concern because the highest risk groups do not identify themselves as being high-risk and thus increase their susceptibility to HIV through unsafe behavior and a lack of knowledge."

sidebar- i got an ear-to-ear grin reading willie's post.

look at what?

here is an excerpt from a seattle interview about crystal meth in 2005 with one of my personal heroes: peter staley. i think the content speaks for itself. i find myself slowly moving towards activism in this regard and hope that wherever i eventually land in my movement of beliefs and ideals that i find myself in the company of men and women who actually give a damn. there are wars to be waged, changes to fight for, and healing to nurture. still some days, i cannot believe i have survived all i have to participate in this. so sign me up mr. staley. i think the meth mystique is bullshit. it's built on a concept that there is an easy way to paradise. a quick fix. an easy feel-good with no repercussions. a fast infusion of networking and communication to other gay men and an easy for source of validation. it's none of those things in my eyes. it is merely smoke and mirrors. smoke and mirrors.

So if you could give marching orders to some group of people on this issue, who would you give them to?

Gay men in general, and in particular the guys who are not using meth. I feel strongly that if a person who would never use meth is having brunch on a Sunday with others who have used meth that weekend, and is listening to the meth users share their experience in a joking way—if the listener doesn't say anything, then by his silence he is playing a role in meth's popularity in the community. He's playing a role if he doesn't say, "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that destroyed the lives of some of my friends?"

By his silence he's complicit.

Absolutely, he's complicit. In my mind, this kind of silence is a form of pushing.

So why do so many people remain silent?

The whole basis of our community is very libertarian. The gay liberation movement's primary focus has been fighting against those who are trying to tell us how to live our lives, so we're very reluctant to tell each other how to live our lives. And rightly so. I have a strong libertarian streak. But I hope our community only takes that so far.

For example, if we had been completely libertarian during the height of the AIDS crisis in the '80s, there would have been no pressure from some gay men on other gay men that condoms be used all the time. That was our greatest hour as a community—when we started helping each other, as well as pressuring each other, and started expecting that we take care of our own. Now, here we are again, faced with a situation where the health of many gay men is under serious threat. We need to start helping and pressuring each other again.

the only difference i see in this course of action is perhaps tactical. i am not sure that pressuring is a solution. it may have worked when fear was so predominate, but change doesn't typically stick when it's coerced. if we as a culture start moving towards a deeper happiness then social norms will change. and when we adopt the helping each other philosophy truly and not as a means to manipulate then we can evolve.

oh, yes i do think that brother michael coulda stopped making changes a long time ago, but it ain't my journey. i've lived my own hell, so i try not to emphasize anyone else's. besides, he can rock da house.....