Thursday, August 6, 2009
i am discovering about stage 2 recovery on a primary level. probably have been for several years. it seems i have had no idea how to really handle regular ordinary everyday emotions or interactions. i fumble with standard social exchanges. i fall back to being a clown when something else might be more effective or beneficial to me.
whine whine whine....
over the last few years, i have been graced with inspiring anger, mistrust, envy, in several persons that have been involved in my life. friends and acquaintances from recovery rooms, a former counselor who became an employer, and persons who are involved in the social network i moderate.
on way too many of these occasions, i have felt tortured and crucified, hated and resented, and judged and laughed about. i am sure that much of this is true, but i also am learning that much of this has just as much to do with the perpetrators as it does about me. it has been habit most of my life to accept these behaviors as completely my "fault" and deserved because i am, after all, less than whole. a rebuttal to this perspective is part of my 2nd stage recovery.
yes, oh wounded one,(me) i have responsibility here. i am not graceful socially, i am no comfortable in relationships-even many friendships, because i grew up an only child, and have moved constantly since i was 4, and was so very many times doing damage control and starting over because of my substance use. but i am just now realizing that even though i am flawed, i am not damaged nor am i solely responsible for anthing involving another person. i can definitely do better, yes, but i am perfectly justified in being the person i am today, flaws, hiccups, et al. i definitely want to change and grow, but where i am is good.
i write this because an old acquaintance i know who became opposed to me has been reading my blog. he never leaves commments, but he reads periodically none-the-less. i blocked his ip address a while back because some of the movements he made in my direction were hurting my feelings. i tried to let them slide thinking they would wither, yet they persisted. he has come to my workplace for a 12step meeting and talk loudly about me from the other room. when i went to my once home group to collect my 3-year chip, he stood up loudly, kicked his chair back and stormed out of the room. but the thing that hurt me the most, was the campaign to rename a meeting i helped get started called "kicking tina" with the explanation that there was a blog by a similar name and people might think that anything said on this blog would be the face and embodiment of that meeting. it did get changed to "the we program".
all well and good. i have resigned myself that the once-friendship is not healthy for me. i ran into that person at a friends art opening last year and was frozen. i couldn't pretend to be happy to see him. i wasn't. i just formed an invisible force field around me and ignored he and his friends.
part of me actually believes that someone would go to such lengths to hurt me because they like me in some weird way. but i can't condone it. nor do i want to be a punching bag for such a clumsy boxer. and part of me wonders how i inspire this kind of reaction. i definitely have a part in all this, i just don't know quite what.
but i do "get" that i am growing. i am not reliving the hurt, as i have done so often in my life. and i think i may be on the way to ceasing to recreate the hurt, too. at 50, maybe i am growing up a little, and moving on, too. i am interacting with people who have issues and deficits just as big and bigger than mine pretty regularly. there is no need to feel cornered anymore.
and my world is bigger because of all this. thank heaven for sobriety. and thank goodness for kickin tina, a spiritual life, and the rest.
today's sound choice is vintage human league with "human"