dark night

i am working with someone who is quite ambivalent about their alcohol use/recovery. they seem to teeter and waiver between wanting change in their lives, and slipping back into a lifestyle that is not without pain but familiar.

man- can i relate to this. i spent so many years of my life like this. determined to change at one juncture, and then filled with boredom and uncomfortability (fear really) when confronted with even a tiny glimpse of life without the predominant coping skill.

so this person shared with me today, after at least 3 weeks of whining and struggling with almost everything (resembling anhedonia at times) during that same time frame of not using that they had gone out on saturday and gotten splunked. they went to work on sunday and found themselves asked repeatedly if they'd had a rough night. i guess bloodshot eyes, half open, and a bit of a stumble were visible hints.
but when this person shared, they finished with i don't party every day like some people. some people have to get high every day. i don't. i am just a social binger.(what a joker eh?)

so when i heard this i really struggled to keep my mouth shut. and that struggle lasted only a short while. i'm a little sorry to report that i responded with a question.. could it be that you only binge every few weeks, but you are a complete bitch during the time period in between those binges????


i'm still hoping for a reply.....

my friend alex has been raving on and off for the last few months about a book he read called "the dark night of recovery".

It's simple story of a man hitting bottom, reaching out for help, and struggling to accept that help was a joy to read. The insights and spiritual tools helped me to realize/remember that it is not the specifics of religious or spiritual dogma but the practice of a spiritual quest that brings grace.

today's sound choice is gorillaz with one their vids put to one of my alltime faves "safety dance". yes, i guess it'a another nod to those 80's...

crux

one of my colleagues emailed me a time magazine article on the state of aids in our gay union and the silence surrounding it. i find it telling and compelling, thus i am sharing it with you all in the hopes that it increases dialogue and some thoughts about our approach. the truth is that i meet new positve men with regularity and realize that they feel under supported and frustrated. i also find that longer term poz guys have very little patience for these younger men because they weren't listening to the messages that are out there. (i wonder if we are simply burnt out and don't want to relive any painful memories again)

my feeling is that there are so many messages out there, direct and more subtle, that one can easily shut down to listening to that topic entirely. i also think that without the visible physical evidence of the nasty nature of this virus, guys think it probably isn't that bad. couple that with the natural tendency to think that nothing like that will ever happen "to me". and finally, throw in substance abuse or heavy partying to the mix, and DING DONG CLANG - one is ringing the bell loudly for a crisis.

the film is one of two posted on hivbigdeal.org. check them out. director todd ahlberg of "meth: the movie" did these two films and i think they are pretty well done.

the crux of the situation in my eyes: what's happening is that we are not mentoring the younger generation as well as we could. sure, they could listen more and they could be more respectful, but then again, they won't be young forever. I mean would we have listened?

happy pride!