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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

dark night

i am working with someone who is quite ambivalent about their alcohol use/recovery. they seem to teeter and waiver between wanting change in their lives, and slipping back into a lifestyle that is not without pain but familiar.

man- can i relate to this. i spent so many years of my life like this. determined to change at one juncture, and then filled with boredom and uncomfortability (fear really) when confronted with even a tiny glimpse of life without the predominant coping skill.

so this person shared with me today, after at least 3 weeks of whining and struggling with almost everything (resembling anhedonia at times) during that same time frame of not using that they had gone out on saturday and gotten splunked. they went to work on sunday and found themselves asked repeatedly if they'd had a rough night. i guess bloodshot eyes, half open, and a bit of a stumble were visible hints.
but when this person shared, they finished with i don't party every day like some people. some people have to get high every day. i don't. i am just a social binger.(what a joker eh?)

so when i heard this i really struggled to keep my mouth shut. and that struggle lasted only a short while. i'm a little sorry to report that i responded with a question.. could it be that you only binge every few weeks, but you are a complete bitch during the time period in between those binges????

i'm still hoping for a reply.....

my friend alex has been raving on and off for the last few months about a book he read called "the dark night of recovery".

It's simple story of a man hitting bottom, reaching out for help, and struggling to accept that help was a joy to read. The insights and spiritual tools helped me to realize/remember that it is not the specifics of religious or spiritual dogma but the practice of a spiritual quest that brings grace.

today's sound choice is gorillaz with one their vids put to one of my alltime faves "safety dance". yes, i guess it'a another nod to those 80's...


1 comment:

Chris said...

There is this chick who used to come to meetings. Couldn't stay sober more than 2 months at a time. Always a newcomer. Always shared. Always, always, always, at some point while sharing, began a sentence with, "I can honestly say . . ." One night after a meeting I pulled her aside and said, "You don't know shit about shit, you can't honestly say anything, and shut the fuck up!" I still have mixed feelings about that. Part of me believes that she needed to hear it from somebody. She wasn't seeing it on her own.

Some people respond to a feather. Some respond to a 2x4.

When I was still ambivalent about my recovery the only time I felt good enough to think it was possible was when I was high. I had to lose the ambivalence. I had to have the desperation of a drowning man. That's just how it worked for me.

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