turning point

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

i am taking a hiatus this week- to pull some last minute reports together to finalize what i have been working on these last 6 months or so, and to get my head clear to start my new position. i have some apprehension, of course, because i will be stepping into a much more controlled environment. i have become very used to sort of freefalling and this will need to change.

on the flipside, i will not be required to work so many nights and weekends as i will be earning a more robust wage. i am fascinated to have my weekends back. there is apprehension and there is some fear here. starting something new usually contains those elements. and i can think of 2 patients at the clinic that really would not be a good fit for me to work with. i'm sure there are others.

but learning and service are what this needs to be about. i have concerns, but in contrast, i am filled with curiosity and some determination. i would very much like to be part of a change somehow. i totally believe that peer advocacy and mentoring can be a very powerful and effective asset.

simultaneously, there is an organization i have been working on creating. unsure of whether the difficulies are me or in my lack of focus or a lack of definition, i am feeling it is not moving forward. it seems that my vision is not shared by others on the board and i am not interested in battling. i am going to rethink the entire effort and hopefully come to a revised position and direction. i know that my intention is to create an entity that is both encouraging and empowering to other poz individuals and i feel the current mindset is in opposition to that-i.e. restrictive and exclusive. the biggest challenge in all this is finding the strength to be honest.

and then there's the peer mentoring program we have actively been working on creating for colorado. the training has taken place, it is quite obvious much more work needs to be done, and i get concerned that i may not have time to give it, and that others may not step up to the plate. and then there's the bickering factor. it becomes so easy to find differences and focus on those, that collaboration becomes like avalon and drifts into the mists.

love you madly. now back to my reports. and then my weekend.

today's sound choice is william orbit with "water from a vine leaf"

century plant

Didn't know how to tell her
for over thirty years,
he kept locked up inside himself
and no one saw the tears.
And then she went away,
and he woke up that day
Now he brings roses
to his sweetheart,
she lives most anywhere.
He sees someone sufferin'
he knows that despair.

what a week i have had! i was not at all prepared for the bounty that was laid before me at this training. such solid yet so quiet personalities from so many corners of our state. and i think i had imagined bridging some crevasses between us, but i had never ventured to guess what that would feel like.

this week, i was graced with that opportunity. the feeling has surrounded me like few i can remember so vividly. i am humbled, excited, and certainly dwarfed by the posibilities of our initial groundwork.

it will definitely involve many challenges to create a solid flow of information and agreement between our distant communities, however i honestly believe it is most definitely worth much more than the effort.

when i think of the sheer devastation that can be felt with a diagnosis when living in a more remote location such as durango or weld county, i am frozen. the challenges i have felt early on in my journey with hiv must seem luxurious compared to a similar path in a small town in the middle of the country. a thoughtful connection to somewhere bigger may offer warmth on a very cold evening. and an understanding and inclusive perspective, albeit distant, may expand some boundaries for some.

this is why a colorado coalition of pwa's seems a good idea to me. i don't believe that the oppourtunity for such a thing comes every day. but it is here now. and i think it needs to taken for a test drive.

today's sound choice is from the musical camp- "century plant"

beautification

My garden is my most beautiful masterpiece. Claude Monet

the idea of beautification can easily be multi-faceted, but the definition in my head as i scribe is in this vein. a very littered or trash-filled park or neighborhood can undergo a beautification process to get cleaned up and be much more pleasing to the eye. there can be a unifying process that happens in which many different parts be tweaked to make a more cohesive whole.

i daresay that has become the intention of our project in denver this week. we have a small sample of indidivuals from the southern, northern, and western parts of the state, along with more people from our central capitol, together sharing a learning process as well as an empowering process and hopefully becoming a stronger and more connected core.

i am learning so very much this week in many facets. i see there is so much i don't yet know, i am largely increasing my awareness of my fellow coloradans, i am humbled by my gap in understanding peoples' strengths and weaknesses, and i can uncomfortably but quietly see how much growing up i still need to do.

the differences between so many of us seem vast, yet the shared experience of diagnosos and surmounting that barrier is striking and vivid. each persons presence is a witness to the sheer audacity of our human spirit. and it definitely dwarfs the idiosynchratic differences that use to be the only quality i could see in others.

i am proud to be involved in this one-on-one exercise i am today. i am not sure of all the reasons i have landed in one of the leadership positions i have, but i cannot balk. yesterday, there were at least 3 crises with participants that pulled me awsy from my personal agenda, and i was reminded of my capability to deal with crises. and the rest of the class was none the wiser. this hopefully is a sign of my growing up. and becoming a part of a bigger whole.

today's sound choice may be quirky, but somehow apropos in my mind. this is not my favorite musical at all, and yet it seems the lyrics seems to speak directly to my intention here. michael crawford and sarah brightman with "music of the night" from phantom of the opera.

it's on

Vance Havner
The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

today is the first registration day for the one on one peer mentoring training in denver. we have participants coming from the 4 corners of colorado and trainers coming from nyc. i look forward to a very enlightening experience.

i will be setting up later today at colorado aids project (who is generously donating their space) and then setting up the registration at the zuni residence inn. and finally, i will pick up two cakes that were ordered for the kick-off party tomorrow evening. btw, the small group from denver gay men's chorus has graciously consented to sing a few songs to bring us good fortune.

inside, i am a little giddy. it's been quite a bit of work on the entire rebuilt+ committee's part, and it's almost dreamlike to see it here. it's my feeling that our local poz community needs a shot in the arm. let's hope this can jump start a new era.

today's sound choice is paul oakenfeld with "ready, steady, go"

you're invited to nibble and mingle

The Rebuilt+ Committee of Denver, along with Strength In Numbers is hosting a welcome gathering for the trainers from New York along with the participants from outside Denver who are participating in the "train the trainers" launch of HIV One On One later this month in Denver. Please come by to say hello, have some laughs, wish them good luck, and bring a dish to share. I hope we can demonstrate what good hosts live in Denver. The date, location, and time is listed below. Come by and nibble and mingle.


Nibble and Mingle Small Front

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Periodicals & Report denver strength in numbers

Nibble and Mingle Small Back

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Periodicals & Report denver rebuilt+

today's sound choice is "the start of something new" from disney's high school musical. believe me, i get some irony here....

que sera sera

with regard to accomplishing tasks, i am learning so much. i wonder sometimes about my efficacy and my ability to get a job done. for me, it is one thing to envision a thing. it is a completely different thing however, to actualize and work at bringing that thing to life.

the more involved i become in the production or creation of a thing, the more i realize it needs to happen with a grain of salt. i will not be able to micromanage every detail and there will be mistakes made. people will get their feelings hurt, people will seem to change in the middle as they get their egos touched or their expectations squashed.

i am learning this may be part of the process and i can't take it all personally. i have to let people have their emotions and play out some of their dramas. and what i need to do is remember my raison d'etre. what is my motive here?

when i can find my way back to that reality- that platform- i can find peace amid the strangeness and drama. i can look at the whole process and see that i am indeed accomplishing my basic goal. if that mission (jump starting the idea of community among hiv positives in my city) is in motion, the rest is cake.

que sera sera... whatever will be...

today's sound choice is pretty self explanatory.. doris day singing "que sera sera"

HIV ONE ON ONE

The idea of an experienced HIV positive person working with a newly diagnosed person is not unique. It makes a lot of sense on many levels. There are so many things to learn and absorb as one enters the HIV treatment arena, i.e. names of meds, blood test results, acronyms to name just a few. Also, however, there are habits that need to change for one to become successful with their own healthcare. Recommended doctor visits must increase from the sporadic ones that most people engage in, or on an as-needed basis, to regular checkups with blood draws involved to monitor the progress of the virus. This usually becomes once every 3 to 6 months in most cases and is a far cry from the now and then behaviors prior.

And finally there are the emotional hills and valleys that accompany a diagnosis. A person moves through them, much as they move through the loss of a loved one. There is shock, denial and disbelief, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. Many of us who were diagnosed early on may not have grieved properly as so many of our contemporaries were slipping away completely and we might have been busy attending funerals and helping sick friends, although keeping busy felt like it kept us sane in so many ways. But grieving our former health is normal and almost required before true acceptance kicks in.

This is merely a snapshot of the roller coaster that new Poz persons embark upon and it may be that newly hired and degreed case managers may not have a full grasp on the enormity of emotions and questions involved. But experienced Poz persons are more likely to understand these nuances. We have trekked these emotional “14’ers” as it were, and can make great guides. HIV ONE ON ONE allows us to do this. We need you. These newcomers need you. HIV ONE ON ONE is meant to develop and train people to do just this. Take what we know and reach out and share that knowledge.

The 1st rollout will be a training of “trainers”. This will be geared specifically toward experience poz persons who are also good communicators and will be comfortable teaching the self-management module and the “how to be a mentor” module to groups of people. They should have experience in public speaking and a solid history of recurring and steady healthcare. They would also benefit from the ability to troubleshoot an emotional situation and be comfortable asking for help in such situations. There will be an application process for everyone to ensure transparency and equity in the process. We are hoping to be inclusive of all genders, all races, and all languages.

We are looking for mentors as well, but that training and targeted roundup will happen more toward June 2009. There will be room as we continue to roll out for all who want to be involved to be involved. And we would like each and every one of you to be involved. Even if it’s simply supporting our idea and steering people towards it, we need all of you to consider getting on board. This ride may not be easy, but it doesn’t have to be lonely, either. I hope you’ll consider joining our efforts. Please email rebuiltdenver@yahoo.com to ask for more information and/or to get an application.

today's sound choice is a acoustic remake of young folks by james blunt. i absolutely find it enchanting.

the making of....

HIV ONE ON ONE (Outside)

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Education Brochures & Catalogs aids Colorado

click on scribd to read the inside of brochure...

about noon today, our hiv one-on-one committee is having their first saturday meeting with the intention of being more inclusive of people who may work weekdays and not be able to participate to time constraints. we need help moving forward with this training in march and we need as many people involved in the process as possible. there are many details and most of us have day jobs and full time occupations, so the more hands and hearts the better.

i'm planning a 2 day excursion to santa fe on the 19th with a friend. we will be doing some research for a project we are working on. i am more thrilled with getting away, and eating at casa de sena again. and the sangre de cristo mountains are breathtaking.

the job i has spoken of several months ago, has been rearing its head again. we will see what happens. each time the organization contacts me about the position, i am validated in my process and re-energized with my direction.


it's weird, but i am feeling very sentimental at this time in my life. i have met someone within the last few weeks who has pricked up my ears. there is no telling if it's friendship right now (which i am inclined to think) or something more, and i am not sweating that. but i am liking the not knowing and the question.

tonight, someone i used to have a "crush" on is taking me to dinner. i haven't really socialized with him for over 2 years. it clearly was toxic for me, as he hadn't stopped using meth then, as he had claimed and his resultant moodiness had torn at my heart. he has now surrendured to recovery it's said, and he is in his fourth step. perhaps he feels needs to make an amends. i understand that need and will rise to the occasion if required. and if it's not that, hopefully i can roll with whatever.

finally, i have been itching to write this. someone has been poking me twice a day on facebook. it's silly, but it makes me laugh everytime it happens because i say "he's always poking me" to myself every time.

maybe it's the upcoming valentine's day thing. or maybe i'm just thawing out. whatever it is, it's pleasant. and it's welcome and it's long overdue.

today's sound choice is stephane pompounac's hotel costes 11. i think it's chill and it's beautiful, much like my life has been feeling. thank you universe for allowing me some reprieve from my own madness.