facing fear

"Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. "


— Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times)

yesterday a colleague from another entity shadowed me as i did my work. this person has been doing their own work much longer than i have been at mine. they also work for the agency that funnels the funding for my position and work with the person who oversees the grant i work under. it all seemed a bit overwhelming at times.

my actual job encompasses much more than the grant requires as is dictated by the needs of the patients i work with. rarely is my job a simple education process followed by a referral. more often than not, it is actually counseling with the patient as they need someone to talk with and have developed a sense of trust with my postion.

oddly, because of the nature of our clients and this work, the person shadowing me knew several of our patients as they had encountered each other long before i came along. i am not sure how this process presented for this colleague. the departure was short and sweet. i may never know their true impressions or if there was an exchange of confidence and trust.

but i am very aware that i am to continue my path until life directs me to change. that people come forward, as they are able, seeking comfort and inspiration. and somehow, i am able to show them how to remember where they left it.

today's sound choice is the opera segment from "the fifth element" i love this segment from that film and the duality of fear and courage it embodies. this is not the clip of the film, but a separate entry with clips from it.

alone paradise

For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through
work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials
and low spots ahead. Page 14... Alcoholics Anonymous

some things in this life have become rote. two of them that are now integral to any sanity i may attain are recognizing character defects (whenever possible) and having faith that "this too shall pass". just as often as not, i find myself forgetting this when i have idle time, i have a tendency to look inward and criticize. not just critique, but actually tear apart any emotional stability i might have. if left unchecked, i will drift quite quickly into misery, remembering every misstep and callous spoken word i have ever orchestrated. my world view of my life is not this shallow, but the internal mechanism with the punk aesthetic still in place from my youth will shred my perception of peace and drive me to a precipice in no time flat.

the mechanism i am currenlty embracing is recognition of this no longer useful mental acrobatic routine, consciously letting it go, and trusting that even if i have ruined everything, or will lose everything, that i will still be allright and somehow find peace again.

this may sound cukoo or simplistic, but from my perspective, on some days, it takes all i can muster to accomplish these two tasks. color me crazy, but this is how my sobriety works. i think i have always had these paranoid self-destructive thougths, perhaps because of my chemical imbalance or because of my  very early molestation(s) or both. but now i don't have the luxury of amnesia in a liquid or powder form. i am blessed and cursed with dealing with myself when i am alone.

i suppose this seems somewhat indulgent, and maybe it is, but being alone and content has always been a challenge for me as far back as i can remember. i am only at this stage of the game, learning to feel comfortable in my own company and in my own skin. even the first drug free years were filled with activities that did not afford me the luxury of seeing how i really am. now, i am less eager to fill every waking hour with service work, meetings, and second and third jobs. i am more focused on finding balance and feeling settled with my self. and man is there still work to be done...i hope i can continue to find warmth and comfort in the sunlight of the spirit that has moved me to this point.

today's sound choice is don carlos with "alone"

going a little deeper

"When our values come into conflict with our behavior we have sold our integrity. When we live in such a way that our values are reflected in our behavior then we feel good about who we are." ...Earnie Larsen

it really seems sometimes that there is just too much damn work to do with this recovery trip. as i worked through the 12 steps with a sponsor, part of the process included making a list of my character defects and humbly asking for them to be removed. well, i did that, and one would hope that would be the end of it. sounds fairly succinct and tidy, doesn't it?

but it's a bit more complicated for me. as i have moved into life without getting high, i discover additional hidden layers of myself, perhaps because i'm alert enough to pay attention or sometimes because i just get in my own damn way. i find that i sometimes do things in direct contrast to my beliefs. i am not always kind when i have demonstrated and vowed to myself that is how i want to be. i sometimes manipulate situations and circumstances to get the result i want, in lieu of trusting the universe to deliver a result that is in my best interest.  i repeatedly experience ptsd around situations, especially with regard to social situations, and with men in particular and react by instinct instead of with delayed and examined thoughtfulness.

currently this is the work i am in the middle of. i sometimes get lost in the forest for the trees. it can be overwhelming, as i would prefer to have moved past all this personal revelation gunk. however,  i know that this is where the rubber meets the road in my journey. somehow i have come to realize (and believe) that all this work (baring my soul) not only has merit, but is required and will yield fruit. i have met people on several occasions that do not do this work. they have done the work to get sober or make change in their life, but have let it go there. they don't seem to have landed on "happy". and i prefer to take another path. pema chodron said "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." this rings of a deeper truth to me.
 
surely  i'm neurotic. it could easily read that way. i probably am. more truthfully is that i also  have always been that way. these last few years have just been clearing the cobwebs away from that truth instead of running from it. how am i to grow and change if i cannot honestly look at who i am? and how can i demonstrate and comprehend this behavior in others i work with, if i am too fearful or prideful to journey there myself? one more chodron quote for good measure..

People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.
......Pema Chodron

today's sound choice is a very tender selection. i stumbled upon it at pandora on my levi kries station. there seems to be a definite new direction in my taste, and it fits nicely. here is jake walden with "for someone"

warrior

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.

dalai lama


there are people that i can think of, that even though i have never met them, i certainly believe they represent something in my heart and my mind. mother theresa, princess diana, martin luther king, and of course, the dalai lama.

it seems oddly familiar that he is currently considering stepping down as the influences around him are sullying his work. yet the peaceful path that he teaches would have no other avenue available for him.

i cannot think of the path of peace without considering him with it. they are entwined in my mind. it is not easy to take a peaceful path. it is not ever my first thought. for me, it requires much self reflection and restraint. and so i just salute this man and what he represents.

It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them.