alone paradise

For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through
work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials
and low spots ahead. Page 14... Alcoholics Anonymous

some things in this life have become rote. two of them that are now integral to any sanity i may attain are recognizing character defects (whenever possible) and having faith that "this too shall pass". just as often as not, i find myself forgetting this when i have idle time, i have a tendency to look inward and criticize. not just critique, but actually tear apart any emotional stability i might have. if left unchecked, i will drift quite quickly into misery, remembering every misstep and callous spoken word i have ever orchestrated. my world view of my life is not this shallow, but the internal mechanism with the punk aesthetic still in place from my youth will shred my perception of peace and drive me to a precipice in no time flat.

the mechanism i am currenlty embracing is recognition of this no longer useful mental acrobatic routine, consciously letting it go, and trusting that even if i have ruined everything, or will lose everything, that i will still be allright and somehow find peace again.

this may sound cukoo or simplistic, but from my perspective, on some days, it takes all i can muster to accomplish these two tasks. color me crazy, but this is how my sobriety works. i think i have always had these paranoid self-destructive thougths, perhaps because of my chemical imbalance or because of my  very early molestation(s) or both. but now i don't have the luxury of amnesia in a liquid or powder form. i am blessed and cursed with dealing with myself when i am alone.

i suppose this seems somewhat indulgent, and maybe it is, but being alone and content has always been a challenge for me as far back as i can remember. i am only at this stage of the game, learning to feel comfortable in my own company and in my own skin. even the first drug free years were filled with activities that did not afford me the luxury of seeing how i really am. now, i am less eager to fill every waking hour with service work, meetings, and second and third jobs. i am more focused on finding balance and feeling settled with my self. and man is there still work to be done...i hope i can continue to find warmth and comfort in the sunlight of the spirit that has moved me to this point.

today's sound choice is don carlos with "alone"