Chaotic people often have chaotic lives, and I think they create that. But if you try and have an inner peace and a positive attitude, I think you attract that.
i went to the saturday morning meeting i usually attend and was dumbstruck at the sheer stupidity of the meeting. share after share were words ballooned with ego and self-indulgence. many people amongst the hundred or so there were restless and unquiet. for me, the afore-mentioned was my first reaction, but as i sat i remembered that life is just as this meeting is today. messy. unkempt. disturbing. unsettling. chaos. and i realized then that despite this fact. i will be okay. and so will all those troubled souls in the meeting today. or not.
one thing i have come to love about meetings is the audacious miracle involved with a myriad of artful dodgers, minstrels, thieves, liars, gypsies, and grifters all coming together in one room and listening to each other. quietly listening. reflective listening. this is a complete shift in perception for these folks. it used to be all about them.
the willingness to let others shine, the desire to stay within the lines, the intention to support others in their journey. this about-face that has taken place in the lives of these characters is the best show in town.
every now and again i visit ed negron's blog "the work-in" and always i find inspiration. here is the gem he had laid out for me yesterday..gratefully, i am reminded that change requires work and that the work is its own reward. thanks, ed...
Today's Gift
Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.
Throughout spiritual traditions, human beings are depicted as the children of a loving Creator who has offered us a kingdom. Repeatedly we hear that abundance, joy, and prosperity are at hand right now. Yet, though the harvest is here, "the laborers are few." Why is this so?
In spiritual life there exists a law called the law of demand and supply. Before substance can manifest itself, a need must be expressed. For example, if I desire to buy a home, this "demand" creates a force of attraction that will draw my home to me. The request comes first, the demonstration, second. If you do not ask, you will not receive.
Many factors limit what we are willing to ask for. We tell ourselves, "I don't deserve it; I'm not good enough." "How can I succeed when others have failed before me?" "Why should I have when others do not?"
In order to harvest the fields of plenty, we must plow up and discard these weeds of unworthiness, doubt, and guilt. Such self-imposed beliefs block the good that is our rightful gift. Affirm your own worthiness to partake of life's bountiful harvest. Then go forth to claim your Divine inheritance.
Cunning, agility, quick-witted, diplomacy, wildness, feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility
the other night, while leaving a party, i drove past a very desolate corner in central denver. huddled by a curb was a fox. this is not a usual place for these beauties to be huddling, yet here he was. he didn't flinch as my car careened quickly and quietly by. he looked through the car as if he was surveying the land beyond it. i looked up the meaning of the fox as this is the 4th time i have seen one in the last year in the quiet of the night. i am believing that the fox has become a totem for me on my journey.
As a fox person, you are cunning... but, as a witch, you don't use your powers for evil. Foxes can walk into a room, sit by themselves for a few moments and get the layout of how things are. You can tell the friendly people and happy people from the ones who wouldn't want you anywhere near them. You can see how things are. This helps you to see where you would best fit in the interaction of things. You can sense what people are feeling or thinking. This can be a hard thing to know. You can't hear thoughts, but you can sense emotions. This is helpful in dealing with people in some respects, but in others it can be difficult. You will learn with experience. This is one of the talents you will need to enhance as a Fox. You can sense people, develop this habit. Be careful not to take it instantly to heart, these senses can be wrong, especially at the beginning. You are out to help people. This is another thing that you are to learn. Always be a shoulder for others to cry on.
Another thing is you rely heavily on your ears. They are like an extra set of eyes. You will find in time that you can almost "see" with your ears. Your nose is also a powerful tool. Just tonight, I was smelling a strange smell almost like honey and no one else smelled it. I kept smelling it whenever I leaned my head down towards the chair, and finally narrowed the location down to the cushions. I discovered a broken cigarette lodged in the cushion. It's kinda funny. That ended up being what I smelled. It's interesting and fun to connect with your totem animal. Just remember, don't go too far... If you start smelling things out in public, they're going to call the Charter boys out on you pretty quickly :) Just relax and have fun with your new "talents". from angelfire.com
A totem can be the symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Native American tradition provides that each individual is connected with nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey.
Native beliefs further explain that a totem animal is one that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.
I am a glorious child of God. I am joyful, serene, positive, and loving. Marianne Williamson
there is an interesting new development in my world. i will be shifting job duties and have more direct service responsibility with counseling. this shift has been plaguing me really since before the december holiday. now that it is here, i am wondering about any further shifts. i am reporting that i have been very flawed in my managing my concerns.
having been obsessing really about whether a specific change would come to be has been my monster shadowing my sleep and infiltrating my days these 4 months. funny how leading a life with trust and fear can be so much easier to visualize than it can be to actualize.no doubt this is "progress, not perfection" exemplified. but i have made it through to the next round and i and will be shortly on my way to the next adventure.
this concept of serenity certainly must be a kinetic condition. never have i been able to remain peaceful without interruption. this used to worry me - and probably still does from time to time. but as i grow i realize that peace and serenity is the harbor i can always come home to. i simply must reconnect with faith that safe harbor is there. certainly this is how serenity presents itself into my world sometimes... so i will partake in a cuppa while we have crossed paths.
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.--Rabindranath Tagore
the prognosis of "normal" is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. i have never really aspired to be normal, mostly because the likelihood of me reachiing that goal is nil. but it has always remained in my focus because that's what most individuals use as a marker.
so imagine my distress to spend years working hard at doing the right thing, only to discover that sometimes my head is full of crap and that i make foolish decisions and quick judgements just as easily as i pause when i'm agitated. no smoke, no mirrors, no distracting one's attention. just me and my "nothing specialness".
this is one of those times that i need to find gratitude. i know of so many many things to be grateful for. the trick is to connect with that gratitude. gratitude, like faith, is kinetic, much like the sun. at times it's completely evident, but there are other times when it's obstructed, and i have to really work at remembering what it's like when it's in view.
For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. Page 14... Alcoholics Anonymous
some things in this life have become rote. two of them that are now integral to any sanity i may attain are recognizing character defects (whenever possible) and having faith that "this too shall pass". just as often as not, i find myself forgetting this when i have idle time, i have a tendency to look inward and criticize. not just critique, but actually tear apart any emotional stability i might have. if left unchecked, i will drift quite quickly into misery, remembering every misstep and callous spoken word i have ever orchestrated. my world view of my life is not this shallow, but the internal mechanism with the punk aesthetic still in place from my youth will shred my perception of peace and drive me to a precipice in no time flat.
the mechanism i am currenlty embracing is recognition of this no longer useful mental acrobatic routine, consciously letting it go, and trusting that even if i have ruined everything, or will lose everything, that i will still be allright and somehow find peace again.
this may sound cukoo or simplistic, but from my perspective, on some days, it takes all i can muster to accomplish these two tasks. color me crazy, but this is how my sobriety works. i think i have always had these paranoid self-destructive thougths, perhaps because of my chemical imbalance or because of my very early molestation(s) or both. but now i don't have the luxury of amnesia in a liquid or powder form. i am blessed and cursed with dealing with myself when i am alone.
i suppose this seems somewhat indulgent, and maybe it is, but being alone and content has always been a challenge for me as far back as i can remember. i am only at this stage of the game, learning to feel comfortable in my own company and in my own skin. even the first drug free years were filled with activities that did not afford me the luxury of seeing how i really am. now, i am less eager to fill every waking hour with service work, meetings, and second and third jobs. i am more focused on finding balance and feeling settled with my self. and man is there still work to be done...i hope i can continue to find warmth and comfort in the sunlight of the spirit that has moved me to this point.
it is a long road- this road of recovery- at least for me. i have so much to get in sync with. outside of these 5 years, i have never really been without a cigarette in my hand, a drink on the bar, or a baggie of some sort in my pocket. there has always been an escape hatch from being just where i am.
of course, things are different now. but the surprises of just how "where i am" feels are still coming forward. i realize that i am more selfish than i'd like to be. i am much much much more fearful than i'd like, and i misread others reactions and intereactions with the finesse of that deaf, dumb, and blind pinball wizard. i am adept at playing a specific game, but really stumble with the rest of life.
the horoscope i posted a couple of days prior has me rethinking. according to the stars, i am working on knowing myself better, understanding the strong and the not-so-pretty things about myself. only then can i go forward into the world with a true representation of who i am and interact with the parts of life that i am meant to. i suspect i am working on this, but i can only imagine if i am making headway.
i know that i am excited about the next phase of my life. i am in fear, yes, but overall i am feeling motivated for something really wonderful. but moving forward with the truth about myself does not seem a simple task. i am often disappointed that i have the feelings i have. i think- damn! i should be much more adult than this in this situation. but the truth is that my initial reactions to things are very very immature and self-serving. it is continuous work to move past this. and then there's the second tier of childishness.
anyway, i am babbling like a brook right now, mostly because i have a cold and i've been house-ridden for a couple of days. an old friend posted photos on fb and i have been tripped by them too, i suppose. i had never seen a photo with the hair extensions i got in 1984 during a trip to nyc. seeing them reminds me of how i used to be. and also reminds me that in many ways, i probably never really saw how i was.
“Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, "Here is an opportunity for you to celebrate like never before, my own power, my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary.” .... Anthony Robbins
december is the season of parties and celebrations. people get out of their cocoons to swap food, trade stories, and shake off the winter pre-winter blues. it is no different for me, other than i work most of these parties instead of attending them these days. i have been to 5 parties in the last (3) 24 hour periods. i have been with the wealthy and the impoverished, the sober and the sotted (and defnitely inbetween.) i much prefer this new lifestyle to my other incarnation. the parting gift is so much sweeter and gentler.
as you may or may not know, i have been working as a catering assistant for several years. the money is good and i get to participate in events that i normally would not be included on the guest list. last night i worked at the home of an international art dealer who calls denver his home.this particular homeowner has an incredible collection of oils, sculpture, and furniture. i feel spent having looked with longing and amazement upon painting after painting lining the walls of that 3 story mansion. mostly modern and contemporary, these colored canvasses create a collage of intention that perhaps needs to be shaken, not stirre, it was that intoxicating.
the structure, the mechanics, and the soul of parties has transitioned for me. i am not in the user-friendly period of my party life. i have become a worker bee and much less a voyeur. this suits me greatly in a couple of areas. i still participate in the art of and the spiritual necessity of celebrations. i just don't have the same "end of days" feeling that parties used to ship in. this is a glorious change.
i think that celebrations, parties, and revelry are akin to a healthy spiritual composition for me. logistically and socially, i am not at ease in these situations by normal standards. i never championed or mastered the art of small talk very well, and that is a crucial ingredient . so i keep busy and somehow it works. i like parties. i like them a lot. i need them in my life. i just don't live for them any longer.
Makin’ my connection as I enter the room
Everybody’s chillin’ as I set up the groove
Pumpin’ up the volume with this brand new beat
Everybody’s dancin’, and their dancin’ for me
I’m your operator, you can call anytime
I’ll be your connection to the party line
today's sound choice is the stellar dame shirley bassey with a remake of "get this party started"
A modern replica of a Victorian zoetropeA zoetrope is a device that produces an illusion of action from a rapid succession of static pictures. The term zoetrope is from the Greek words ζωή - zoe, "life" and τρόπος - tropos, "turn". It may be taken to mean "wheel of life"...wikipedia
wow! has it been cold in colorado this week. a pipe in my bathroom froze last week- no damage- just no shaving in the bathroom one morning. we put insulation in the attic last summer and had neglected the pipe-insulation to follow, but that has been remedied now. my unit is staying much warmer than i would have guessed, but it is still very very cold outside.
the holidays are here and somehow i'm a bit frozen. for all my jabber about living in love, i realize that there is much much work to do to actually walk the walk. no need to highlight the drama here, but i do need to process my thought patterns a bit. i have found myself slipping into a defensive mindset- becoming reactionary and then not pausing a bit (when i know that's best) but speaking what is on my mind at that time.
believe me, this is not winning me friends, nor is it influencing people. it is creating chasms between myself and others and causing me to look at myself at ways i would rather not. perhaps the biggest lesson in all of this is humility though. way down at the pile of shit that i feel is here, there may be a need for me to own my own behavior in ways i have not taken the time to do prior to this.
the fact that there is work to do is clear, however, another piece of this particular puzzle may be perspective, too. balance, after all, is part of the game. there is no up without down. how could recognize seamless without tattered? in every day there is light after dark, just as there is dark after light. it can become so simple to forget the spectrum when the pendulum is swinging one way or the other. and sadly, i am not genius enough to step above the fray here.
learning to accept the situation and work with the resistance is the path i would love to choose every time. my natural instinct is not this path. i naturally veer to a position of defense and then defenselessness as they seem to go hand in hand. i react (out of fear) and then find some sort of collateral damage in the wake.
newsflash- this is how it's always been. i have been so caught up in my "wheel of life" that i haven't been able to see my role, nor any real way up to another level. until now i hope.
so, if it's cold outside and i'm hunkering down and looking inward these days, maybe even rearranging the furniture or the layout of my home, i can only trust that the changes are wholesome and have a lasting positive influence.
can i just say here that i have been listening to adam freeland's "back to mine" collection for the last few days, and i find that melancholy has swept into my world. this is a much more modern compilation and much more moody as well. very electronica based, and peppered with pathos and some dischord. no doubt it has influenced my mindset. that is what music is for. anyway i love this cut that is today's sound choice. here is "zoetrope" from boards of canada.
i did a little cooking on sunday and i decided to try my hand at this pasta. i made enough to share with coworkers for lunch and have leftover for me as well. another bonus is i will make it again on friday and take to my advisory board meeting and to the recovery support group that starts this friday. i was able to taste this one and it made me smile. i'm sure i missed out on some of the nuances- i changed the recipe slightly. i used asiago, parmesan, and reggiano, and i used peppered bacon in lieu of pancetta, added roasted pine nuts. but it seemed to work beautifully.
i was reminded again just how much i love food. i love to cook. i love to eat as well, but i'll focus on cooking here today. there is a meditative quality that wraps its arms around me when i am in the kitchen. i lose sight of the repetetive thoughts that usually circle in my head, and i feel i am able to become part of what i am doing. i don't cook because i have to, but i cook because it brings me joy. and when i cook for others, i am able to give them something of myself. the part of me that became connected with what i was doing.
but the best part is that once in awhile, a big smile will come across somone's face as they are eating and i know that i have done something worthwhile.
Rigatoni alla carbonara
Ingredients for 4 persons
400 gr pasta ?Rigatoni
120 gr. Bacon (Pancetta tesa)
3 eggs (uova)
50 gr. Parmesan cheese (Parmigiano Reggiano)
50 gr. Pecorino Romano cheese
2 gr. Black pepper (pepe nero)
4 spoons extra virgin olive oil (olio extra vergine di oliva)
Cut the bacon in cubes and browne them in a pan with a small quantity of olive oil. Take off the bacon from the pan and put it aside. Beat the eggs in a bowl with two spoons of oil olive, the parmesan and pecorino romano cheese and the black pepper. With this sauce you will dress the pasta and only at the end you will add the bacon so that it will remain crisp.
Curiosity The difficult things in preparing this recipe are essentially two: choose the right type of bacon and mix rapidly the pasta so to avoid that the eggs curdle. To choose the right bacon trust a roman dealer and ask for ?pancetta tesa? explaining for which recipe you need it. You will find many kinds of ?pancetta? which are not to be confused with the typical english bacon!!! As far as the pasta choice is concerned, we advise the ?rigatoni of Gragnano?.
Gragnano is a place not a trademark, all the pasta made in this village near Naples can be considered the best in the world! If you can?t find it, remember never to buy a pasta with less than 9 minutes cooking time even for spaghetti. These times are synonimous of quality, otherwise the percentage of hard wheat inside the pasta will be so low not to guarantee a good result of your recipe even if the price of the pasta could seem interesting.
today's sound choice is from my next pic in the "back to mine" series-this one from talvin singh. i am an avid lover of acid jazz, and this is a fine example of such. it totally transports me and i firmly believe this composition was made with love. here is dZihan and Kamien with "after". i believe this particular disc has been discontinued.
The day and then the night have gone, it was not long before the dawn,
And the travelling man who sat so stiffly in his chair began to yawn.
Having kept me here so long my friend, I hope you have a sleeping place to lend,
but the painter he just smiled and said: I'll see you in a while, this one has no end. Sandy Denny ..... No End
so i see another week hustle by. it has been remarkable and it has sped by in what seems like a flash. i have finished some projects at work which has given satisfaction, and i have begun a couple of new ones as well. and on this day of rest, i doubt that is exactly what i'll do. i will, however, pay attention to a different part of my heart.
i have to weed the front and trim the hedges before winter ensues, and i purchased bulbs to plant to make ready for the spring. we put 4 trees in the back yard and i hope this will compliment the new park-like feel we are going for.
i also need to move my patio furniture into storage so they don't just sit and deteriorate in the winter months. my grill has not been working the last two times i tried to start it up, so i want to see about this as well. even in the winter months in colorado, it is quite easy to grill outdoors-the food seems tastier and it leaves much less to clean up.
i went to dinner with a friend last evening and i realized how much inner work i have to do. she struggles with her own issues and as we talked about where we are in our lives, it dawns on me that this idea of emotional sobriety is a destination on my journey. not sure if i'll ever make it, but i definitely am determined to point my sites in that direction.
i begin work with a group in 2 weeks. naturally there has been a shift in naming it, but i am rolling down the tracks. the group shall be referred to as "The Stonewall Huddle" and will happen of friday afternoons. i am actually nervous about the unknowns, but also realize there is no turning back.. so the clickity clack of the wheels on the track are a sound i am getting used to.
a very good friend's mother passed away friday night. he sent me a text yesterday to let me know. i felt helpless, as i had not met her and i was not sure how to offer him support. i simply sent a text asking if he wanted to talk to which he responded "maybe later". i then let him know i loved him.
these, of course, are glimpses of my life. i guess i'm a bit jumbled this morning. or maybe melancholy. my friend and i went to dinner w/ the air foundation and listened to recovering addicts talk about the transformation of their lives through the training for and participation in long distance marathons. when the whole group of runners and volunteers working with them were asked to stand at the beginning of the festivities, both my friend and i got teary. it was so evident they are doing the work.
today's sound choice is on to a new week of chill. this particular choice is two cuts, both striking, however the second song by sandy denny is "no end" . the total track time is about 10 minutes- an eon in online time, but i thinks it's worth the investment. each time i hear this song, i can feel my heart opening a tad. it has such a tender quality. the cd is a "back to mine" compilation by the guillemots. it has an esther phillips cut which i loved, a lovely morsel by the supremes, and a nice selection of downtempo hip-hop.
I've found piece of mind I'm feeling good again I'm on the other side Back among the living Ain't a cloud in the sky All my tears have been cried And I can finally say
this has been a telling month for me. things have seemed to go so smoothly until this september. a co-worker at my full time job has left to pursue other interests. no surprise, as she has been working in hiv for over 10 years and it can easily lead to burnout. so many needy clients and so many issues. but there is a hole left in the stream of treatment that will be filled again, but currently is felt by the rest of the team.
as i have continued to work on my issues around living with bipolar issues, i have found that perspective has become a good friend. i am learning that paranoia and inspiration have always been a part of my personality and that they seem larger than life at times. so large that i can feel as if i am unable to buckle them in, but they do recede. and maybe i can learn from them. this is huge as i have always had these, but what has changed is how i react to them.
have started work on a committee to ease the restrictions on intakes at a clinic within my workplace. this is an exciting endeavor for me. it will be very interesting to see how it all proceeds. i know that the communication between a few clinics seems to have broken down some time ago, and to re-engage can only benefit the patients at the end of any process. so i am thrilled to be part of it. more later no doubt.
the newsletter seems to have been taking way too long. my friend who does the layout has had his plate very full and has not found time to push it through. i struggle with my instinct to over-react. i did finally leave a message with him that i would be happy to shop it around for another layout person. i felt great that i understood he was busy and wanted to support that. but it's been almost 5 weeks. i can't even remember what i sent over to include. the next issue i am hoping will change direction slightly anyway. my intention is to develop a more holistic perspective for all persons living with hiv in the whole of colorado.
i have travelled more this month than i remember in the recent past. grand lake for a weekend and buena vista for a weekend. and i have a lunch and shopping day (end of season) in estes park coming up. this signals a definite shift in my psyche. it reflects that i am feeling at home in my life and ready to branch out. this reading feels true to me. i am more content than i can ever remember and feel safe and supported. and hopefully i am offering this to the people i encounter.
if you are new to recovery and reading this, i would encourage you to stay on the path. these gifts of personal insight only came my way with time away from self medication. that has been the biggest gift in my this process. and it is well worth it.
i am offering today's sound choice to my addiction and my self loathing. it is jimmy wayne with "stay gone"
So now we are faced with an important question, 'Who's driving your bus?'
Is it someone from your past who has dominated you and what you do, even though they may not still be present in your life now? Are they taking you where you want to go? Do you feel like you would like to the bus to stop and let you off? Now here comes the challenge...
From this rear seat of observation, we need to start to move closer to the driver's seat. It doesn't matter how long this takes, and it doesn't matter how much we are challenged by the people who may be trying to block our progress forward. We have to do this for ourselves... starting right now!.. from ezine article
as i thought about this post i had a tongue in cheek when i thought of my fella blogger java. she used to be a bus driver for a living. i loved so many of her stories about the adventures on that bus of hers. i still am agog with her life's adventures and her frank ability to relay them.
but back to this bus. there is a saying in recovery which is "who's driving your bus". this is in direct correlation to a next stage of recovery. once someone gets the chemicals out of their body and their brain, and let go of the obsession to re ingest, there is a new situation that appears on the foreground.
it consists of the mess that had been covered up by too much pills and liquor that now moves into the foreground. many many times, people who get sober will find themselves involved in what would seem insane behavior because they haven't done any work learning how to live life on life's terms. they haven't healed childhood traumas, they haven't forgiven perpetrators and still hold resentment. they haven't tried to grow or just don't know how. this is often referred to in twelve step as a dry drunk.
it's not surprising. so many people seeking recovery have been under the influence for the greater part of their adult lives. to know how to roll with anger, frustration, worry, anxiety, or boredom is completely new to them they have no experience at coping either with the big stuff or the little. and i cannot forget fear. fear is at the root of so many issues, and i still find that i am afraid of things that are no longer even relevant in my life.
so many people put down the pipe, the straw, the needle, or the bottle. but if they want peace, they will need to strive for personal growth beyond just getting sober or clean. they will have to stretch their hearts and minds beyond their comfort zone.
at least this is my experience. i have now encountered this question at several junctions in my recent life.... "who's driving your bus?" and i have to wonder who is driving. i think it's not the guy i want it to be.
it is affirming to have direction. i need it in my life.
changes have mostly become natural now. i am persistently changing and consistently letting go. it's sometimes trying and often challenging. it is also peaceful now and then.
i am jumping the gun a bit here, but sunday will four years of sobriety for me. i am completely blown away by the transformation. you know, i always share in meetings that i have felt like a piece of shit my whole life. somehow broken. somehow not right. but since i have gotten clean and enlarged my spiritual life, things have changed. i still feel like a piece of shit now and again, but i don't have to medicate myself to get out of it, and i don't land on those thoughts any longer. i have learned how to change them when they come my way.
this is one of the promises coming true for me. i never would have believed that i wouldn't always think very little of myself. but i am learning not to think that way. it feels strange, but very good.
i have started a dui counseling position and am working 2 nights a week. one therapy group is particularly challenging for me. they have been together a long time and have gone through several counselors. one client is particularly resistant. they have the habit of talking while anyone else is talking, bringing consistent sarcasm to any idea of change, blaming the judicial system for unfair punishment, and making complete light of any curriculum to be used. with only 8 or so classes left out of 34, this client came to group last night completely unprepared to present a required project, did not bring their book, threw gum to each of the participants while others were speaking, and gave a plan for the future comprised of stockpiling food and water, and moving into a shelter for the inevitable nuclear war between iran and iraq.
i lost my cool. i didn't actually lose my temper, but i let the client get to me. it's so ridiculous for me to lose face. i know better. but i also know the client is fighting liver shut down. i know that underneath all that redirection is frustation, fear, and probably anger. i know all that and yet i react like an asshole.
The Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people—Pg. 52
today i woke up much later than usual, knowing i have a full day off, (the first in a long time) and full of gratitude for the direction my life is headed. i never would have guessed that i would find myself without so much drama, or at least without the drama i have not dictating my moods. what a shift.
a colleague and i met with an attorney yesterday about incorporating our efforts with the i.r.s. if i am to be a steward of monies for some educational programs for guys with hiv then i don't want to be held financially responsible if something quirky happens. this step also could easily lead to receiving more grants for the type of work we are doing. and there are at least two more programs i would love to see happening here in denver.
the attorney is a friend of mine from the program and he was giggling to himself, because last year, as we jogged the park together and shared stories, he kept saying i should be doing exactly what i have started to do here.
my sponsor has been talking about the three layers of sobriety lately. there is chemical sobriety, emotional sobriety, and spiritual sobriety. the first one i have begun to get a handle on, however the other two remain a mystery. he has started work with another addict on emotional sobriety, and he asked if i would be interested in joining the work. this is a natural direction for me to take, especially considering the events of the last 3 months. i need to understand how powerless i am over my emotions and how to recognize this. i will start to do the work.
this song takes me back to dance hall days. the nyc peech boys. i think keith haring did a cover for this 12 inch or maybe it was the album. i remember parking on the dance floor with my friend freddy colberg (now at the dance hall in the sky), it would be around 5am, and and he and i would find ourselves understanding the lyrics of this song on what we thought was a spiritual level. now that spiritual understanding is not punctuated by drugs and alcohol- other than lithium, my hiv cocktail and 2 vanilla lattes. life really is something special. it has been quite a journey to here- one i never dreamed of making this far. and a healthy starting point each day is that gratitude being ground zero for me.
