winter ramblings

“I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show.” .... Andrew Wyeth

man, is it cold here! my bathroom sink pipe has frozen again. i am hoping it's only another small item and it will thaw sometime today with no problems (and no huge mess). i got home last night about six- my moonlight job had been cancelled for the evening due to the weather. i piddled around the house for about an hour, watched an episode of :"income property" that i had recorded and fell asleep by 8pm. this was a total luxury for me, but sadly i forgot to let the water drip from that faucet.

we had the 2nd of 13 journaling group sessions. 2 more people joined and 1 didn't make it. there was a bit more chaos as they were provided with magazines to cut up and construction paper to do oragami or write on. all this to engage the right brain and unlodge some creative blocks. and the journaling piece (a cornerstone of the group) has remained in tact.

my office is having our client holiday party this friday. i am only making hot cider.that is definitely a blessing time wise. i am looking forward to it, for sure. at the end of the party, i have a meeting with a residential treatment program near our campus that has recently had personnel shifts. the previous management team has been gracious enough to support several of our clients in need of a landing pad.

 note to santa: dear santa- can you please leave us a ryan white supported residential drug treatment program for our state? honestly we've been good all year, done all our chores, and behaved as we were asked.

our office party is the following saturday night at a restaurant. i am also looking forward to that. i love this restaurant and haven't eaten there since last year. and i have never actually sat down with the entire staff- minus 2- for a meal, although it did come close at a baby shower brunch last summer. the myriad of personalities and backgrounds is actually fascinating. and despite all the drama, (and there has been drama) i have had one of the greatest experiences of my life.

i picked up parties on xmas eve and nye this year. the new sofa needs to be paid and every little bit will help. besides the hostess asks me every year to work and i have turned her down the last couple of years. i like her, although i think many of my colleagues find her difficult. i guess i relate on some level because many of my contemporaries find me challenging too. she was injured a few years back and has challenges doing ordinary things and has some constant pain as well. i guess i understand her focus, her determination, and her never-mentioned struggle.

i am spending christmas day in idaho springs with a few relatives. each year, we take a drive around the neighboring towns and rate the worst holiday decorations and lights. it's always a night time excursion and we always have fun and find a surprise or two. the winner is never the same, and we definitely have fun making up stories about what was going on in peoples' lives and heads when the sprucing of their homes took place.

some friends from la are scheduled to be in that weekend and will be at a cousin's home, but am double booked that day. we'll see about that one.

today's sound choice is a complete departure from this post. but a friend posted it on fb and i can't get it outta my head. i remember this song. i remember the after parties, i remember the sentiment and the posturing that accompanied this time in my life. i would never go back, but i have made a pact to not regret either. and i don't. even though linda's  lyric and rappin' are jaded, they represent a naivete i had at this time. in 1978 or 79 i was 21 years old. i had so little experience to be relating to "i ain't got no hearteache to spare." but i did anyway... here is a 12" promo release of linda clifford with "runaway love" i hope you have fun with it.







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zoetrope

A modern replica of a Victorian zoetropeA zoetrope is a device that produces an illusion of action from a rapid succession of static pictures. The term zoetrope is from the Greek words ζωή - zoe, "life" and τρόπος - tropos, "turn". It may be taken to mean "wheel of life"...wikipedia

wow! has it been cold in colorado this week.  a pipe in my bathroom froze last week- no damage- just no shaving in the bathroom one morning. we put insulation in the attic last summer and had neglected the pipe-insulation to follow, but that has been remedied now. my unit is staying much warmer than i would have guessed, but it is still very very cold outside.

the holidays are here and somehow i'm a bit frozen. for all my jabber about living in love, i realize that there is much much work to do to actually walk the walk. no need to highlight the drama here, but i do need to process my thought patterns a bit. i have found myself slipping into a defensive mindset- becoming reactionary and then not pausing a bit (when i know that's best) but speaking what is on my mind at that time.

believe me, this is not winning me friends, nor is it influencing people. it is creating chasms between myself and others and causing me to look at myself at ways i would rather not. perhaps the biggest lesson in all of this is humility though. way down at the pile of shit that i feel is here, there may be a need for me to own my own behavior in ways i have not taken the time to do prior to this.

the fact that there is work to do is clear, however, another piece of this particular puzzle may be perspective, too. balance, after all, is part of the game. there is no up without down. how could recognize seamless without tattered? in every day there is light after dark, just as there is dark after light. it can become so simple to forget the spectrum when the pendulum is swinging one way or the other. and sadly, i am not genius enough to step above the fray here.

learning to accept the situation and work with the resistance is the path i would love to choose every time. my natural instinct is not this path. i naturally veer to a position of defense and then defenselessness as they seem to go hand in hand. i react (out of fear) and then find some sort of collateral damage in the wake.

newsflash- this is how it's always been. i have been so caught up in my "wheel of life" that i haven't been able to see my role, nor any real way up to another level. until now i hope.

so, if it's cold outside and i'm hunkering down and looking inward these days, maybe even rearranging the furniture or the layout of my home, i can only trust that the changes are wholesome and have a lasting positive influence.

can i just say here that i have been listening to adam freeland's "back to mine" collection for the last few days, and i find that melancholy has swept into my world. this is a much more modern compilation and much more moody as well. very electronica based, and peppered with pathos and some dischord. no doubt it has influenced my mindset. that is what music is for. anyway i love this cut that is today's sound choice. here is "zoetrope" from boards of canada.



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