winter ramblings

“I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show.” .... Andrew Wyeth

man, is it cold here! my bathroom sink pipe has frozen again. i am hoping it's only another small item and it will thaw sometime today with no problems (and no huge mess). i got home last night about six- my moonlight job had been cancelled for the evening due to the weather. i piddled around the house for about an hour, watched an episode of :"income property" that i had recorded and fell asleep by 8pm. this was a total luxury for me, but sadly i forgot to let the water drip from that faucet.

we had the 2nd of 13 journaling group sessions. 2 more people joined and 1 didn't make it. there was a bit more chaos as they were provided with magazines to cut up and construction paper to do oragami or write on. all this to engage the right brain and unlodge some creative blocks. and the journaling piece (a cornerstone of the group) has remained in tact.

my office is having our client holiday party this friday. i am only making hot cider.that is definitely a blessing time wise. i am looking forward to it, for sure. at the end of the party, i have a meeting with a residential treatment program near our campus that has recently had personnel shifts. the previous management team has been gracious enough to support several of our clients in need of a landing pad.

 note to santa: dear santa- can you please leave us a ryan white supported residential drug treatment program for our state? honestly we've been good all year, done all our chores, and behaved as we were asked.

our office party is the following saturday night at a restaurant. i am also looking forward to that. i love this restaurant and haven't eaten there since last year. and i have never actually sat down with the entire staff- minus 2- for a meal, although it did come close at a baby shower brunch last summer. the myriad of personalities and backgrounds is actually fascinating. and despite all the drama, (and there has been drama) i have had one of the greatest experiences of my life.

i picked up parties on xmas eve and nye this year. the new sofa needs to be paid and every little bit will help. besides the hostess asks me every year to work and i have turned her down the last couple of years. i like her, although i think many of my colleagues find her difficult. i guess i relate on some level because many of my contemporaries find me challenging too. she was injured a few years back and has challenges doing ordinary things and has some constant pain as well. i guess i understand her focus, her determination, and her never-mentioned struggle.

i am spending christmas day in idaho springs with a few relatives. each year, we take a drive around the neighboring towns and rate the worst holiday decorations and lights. it's always a night time excursion and we always have fun and find a surprise or two. the winner is never the same, and we definitely have fun making up stories about what was going on in peoples' lives and heads when the sprucing of their homes took place.

some friends from la are scheduled to be in that weekend and will be at a cousin's home, but am double booked that day. we'll see about that one.

today's sound choice is a complete departure from this post. but a friend posted it on fb and i can't get it outta my head. i remember this song. i remember the after parties, i remember the sentiment and the posturing that accompanied this time in my life. i would never go back, but i have made a pact to not regret either. and i don't. even though linda's  lyric and rappin' are jaded, they represent a naivete i had at this time. in 1978 or 79 i was 21 years old. i had so little experience to be relating to "i ain't got no hearteache to spare." but i did anyway... here is a 12" promo release of linda clifford with "runaway love" i hope you have fun with it.







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launder my kharma

Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process.
Sai Baba

i went to the mountains for a couple of days to spend the holiday with family. it was quite beautiful really. i spent most of my time there either cooking (i made some killer potatoes au gratin with smoked gouda) or contemplating my take on the events of the last week.

it has become clear to me that i am in flux. that change is inevitable, and that i need to make sure i am available for it and have made room in my life to let it in. this shall be my new process. i am going to incorporate letting the change that needs to happen find its way into my life and make itself comfortable.

how this is to happen, i am not completely sure. but i am going to believe that it will, consciously make room for it to take place, and look at new options that i have been perhaps afraid to do so previously.

on a sillier note, we always have an xmas night drive in the towns near where my relatives live and look at the christmas lights and decorations. and we always have a best and a worst. of course, it's usually more fun to look for the worst. last night, we came across a small house which had a very brown and crumpled looking tree in the window. it had no lights and no decrations on it at all. it was lit from behind as the ceiling light in the house was on. there was a cowskin and a cowskull hanging on the living room wall, vividly lit, and then this sad craggy looking brown tree sort of twisted in the picture window. it looked as if it had been pulled from a box, but never straightened out. we had fun making up stories as to why the tree was up, but not touched or lit. it left me sad, thinking that someone's holiday was perhaps usurped by something perhaps tragic or monumental.

We got two more minutes and
We gonna cut to what you need
So one of six so tell me
One do you want to live
And one of seven tell me
Is it time for your muthafuckin ass to give
Tell me is it time to get down on your muthafuckin knees
Tell me is it time to get down

today's sound "choice is battleflag" by lofidelity allstars.

oh happy day

a friend from SIN hosted a get together last night and we all went to denver botanic gardens blossoms of light. it was very cold and took a lot of energy to keep my body warm. i was konked by the end of the evening. i enjoyed myself though. we had hot chocolate, we snapped some photos, i hung out with some guys i don't know very well, there was a small orchestra and chorus singing in the meeting hall, and a busload of santas invaded the gardens, quickly to realize they were at the wrong party. today, i love my life and i feel joyful...

i definitely hit a high note today... am headed up to idaho springs. may not post for a couple of days. please find time to hold peace in your thoughts and prayers. there are families everywhere that could really use a break. merry, merry, mary.

secret santa meme

image credit: photoscout.ch

my blog bud steve tagged me at queer deviations yesterday.

i love this meme partially because i love the spirit of giving that is an integral part of this holiday season. may i just say that i wish you the best this holiday has to offer and a kindness to come into your heart. anyone should steal this meme if your heart desires. here are the rules:

1) Post a note about a blogger you would like to see something wonderful happen for. Maybe one whose posts have touched your heart in one way or another. Include details as to why you admire them and what you wish for them. Be as supporting and affirming as you can.

2) Post your favorite memory around selflessness, giving, or doing for others. Something that has actually changed you.

3) As a postscript, name one thing you will actually do for someone in your life before December 31 that is born out of joy.

4) Tag 3 other bloggers who will play the game and find the spirit. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog so they continue to share the good feelings.

and here are my choices:

1) well i have to choose chris at last chance texaco. he is the first person who ever commented my first blog. he was then struggling with his meth addiction and was clearly looking for relief. his tenacity at finding a way to a better life has served as a complete inspiration for me. he is not perfect, but he is upfront about his mood, his state of mind, and his uncomfortability with the process of recovery. to read his blog is to witness miracles on a regular basis. sometimes his writing is gentle and focused, and other times it is frenetic and screeching in tone. it is an awe inspiring transformation to witness and it gives me hope on a regular basis. i am humbly reminded steadily that change is indeed a process and an absolutely beautiful thing to witness.

i would wish for him, some success from his obvious writing ability. if it's monetary, that's fine, but i would prefer that he gain self-confidence and self assurance that would alleviate some pain that self reflection must cause. i also would wish that he learns on a deeper level that he is truly lovable inside and out, and therefore loved as well.

2)i have been facilitating a group at a homeless drop-in center. i have been changed so much by this experience. i have learned that sometimes the biggest gift i can give someone is the act of listening and the act of being present and recognizing that other person. this is far more valuable than gift cards, or rides, or other items.

3)i will attempt to start a process which will share the joy of giving. i believe that most people really do like to give, and like to be asked for help and give help. this is due mainly to the fact that it makes us feel good when we do. i also believe that we need this feeling to be in our lives if we are to be truly happy.
i will also write my mother a letter this year for her card that really does express my gratitude that she stuck by me during the worst of my addcition, but was tough enough to say the word "no" to me and mean it. that "tough love" actually was instrumental in bringing me back to sanity.

my 3 bloggers whose work i adore and whom i wish wonderful things for are as follows:
ron hudson, krokodil, bigg

and i'm going to add one more for good measure- bearbrick love
visiting his site always makes me smile with wonder..

happy holidays..... i totally love the message in this song. and i dig the vid, too.

winter wonder (2)

went with friends on tuesday night to see brian setzer orchestra's holiday tour. a little rockabilly, a little swing, a little rock. and i did have fun. this is not their first tour, so that's where the 2 came in.

when they played "stray cat strut" and "rock this town", i was whisked back to a time when i used to have this wicked crush on the most beautiful italian guy in chicago named joey. he buttered my waffles. he was so damn cute, but we never really converged for more than a few trysts - at least at the same time. we hooked up a few times over the years, but i never really spent any social time with him and i would have preferred to have done that as well. he used to really dig the stray cats. i, on the other hand, was more into the gang of four and grace jones then. i always wonder what has happened to joey. i heard he moved to la with a partner. but i remember having a delightful conversation with him about the cats and about life in general. he was one of the few gay guys i ran into that even knew what rockabilly was. he left an impression on me then (yes, virgina, in more ways than one!)

i mean i liked rockabilly, still do actually, but i had already been crazy about robert gordon (big swoon) for a long while before the stray cats. but brian setzer has hung on over the years and done well. good for him.

you make me sick

thanksgiving dinner is on us. oh, could you work some extra hours over the next few weeks?... and sorry we cut your pension.....


from nbc.com

CHICAGO - Five United Airlines workers sought medical attention for nausea and vomiting after the company provided a Thanksgiving meal to employees.

United offered the turkey dinner Thursday to nearly 3,000 mechanics, baggage handlers and other employees working the holiday at O'Hare International Airport. Flight crews didn't participate.

The dinner was seen as a reconciliatory gesture from the company to its employees, said Don Wolfel, president of Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Association Local 4, which represents mechanics at United.