something special

image credit: romain laurent

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people—Pg. 52

from emotionalsobriety.org


today i woke up much later than usual, knowing i have a full day off, (the first in a long time) and full of gratitude for the direction my life is headed. i never would have guessed that i would find myself without so much drama, or at least without the drama i have not dictating my moods. what a shift.

a colleague and i met with an attorney yesterday about incorporating our efforts with the i.r.s. if i am to be a steward of monies for some educational programs for guys with hiv then i don't want to be held financially responsible if something quirky happens. this step also could easily lead to receiving more grants for the type of work we are doing. and there are at least two more programs i would love to see happening here in denver.

the attorney is a friend of mine from the program and he was giggling to himself, because last year, as we jogged the park together and shared stories, he kept saying i should be doing exactly what i have started to do here.

my sponsor has been talking about the three layers of sobriety lately. there is chemical sobriety, emotional sobriety, and spiritual sobriety. the first one i have begun to get a handle on, however the other two remain a mystery. he has started work with another addict on emotional sobriety, and he asked if i would be interested in joining the work. this is a natural direction for me to take, especially considering the events of the last 3 months. i need to understand how powerless i am over my emotions and how to recognize this. i will start to do the work.

this song takes me back to dance hall days. the nyc peech boys. i think keith haring did a cover for this 12 inch or maybe it was the album. i remember parking on the dance floor with my friend freddy colberg (now at the dance hall in the sky), it would be around 5am, and and he and i would find ourselves understanding the lyrics of this song on what we thought was a spiritual level. now that spiritual understanding is not punctuated by drugs and alcohol- other than lithium, my hiv cocktail and 2 vanilla lattes. life really is something special. it has been quite a journey to here- one i never dreamed of making this far. and a healthy starting point each day is that gratitude being ground zero for me.