ring a belle

it is a long road- this road of recovery- at least for me. i have so much to get in sync with. outside of these 5 years, i have never really been without a cigarette in my hand, a drink on the bar, or a baggie of some sort in my pocket. there has always been an escape hatch from being just where i am.

of course, things are different now. but the surprises of just how "where i am" feels are still coming forward. i realize that i am more selfish than i'd like to be. i am much much much more fearful than i'd like, and i misread others reactions and intereactions with the finesse of that deaf, dumb, and blind pinball wizard. i am adept at playing a specific game, but really stumble with the rest of life.

the horoscope i posted a couple of days prior has me rethinking. according to the stars, i am working on knowing myself better, understanding the strong and the not-so-pretty things about myself. only then can i go forward into the world with a true representation of who i am and interact with the parts of life that i am meant to. i suspect i am working on this, but i can only imagine if i am making headway.

i know that i am excited about the next phase of my life. i am in fear, yes, but overall i am feeling motivated for something really wonderful. but moving forward with the truth about myself does not seem a simple task. i am often disappointed that i have the feelings i have. i think- damn! i should be much more adult than this in this situation. but the truth is that my initial reactions to things are very very immature and self-serving.  it is continuous work to move past this. and then there's the second tier of childishness.

anyway, i am babbling like a brook right now, mostly because i have a cold and i've been house-ridden for a couple of days. an old friend posted photos on fb and i have been tripped by them too, i suppose. i had never seen a photo with the hair extensions i got in 1984 during a trip to nyc. seeing them reminds me of how i used to be. and also reminds me that in many ways, i probably never really saw how i was.

i hope that is changing.

today's sound choice is dashboard confessional with "belle of the boulevard"