your game baby

i find that i am immersed in some threads of reality that i cannot get away from. my mentor has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and is to have risky surgery later this month. he has been filled with fear but trudging along as he always does- as he has shown me to do as well. i am frightened, too. i care for him deeply and don't like seeing him twisting in the wind.

my mother has been experiencing some acute pain in one of her eyes. she went to a specialist as they were thinking it might be macular degeneration. but she found out right away that it wasn't. relieved for but a second though, as she was soon told that she has a cyst on her retina. this is something i have never heard of. and if you must know, the idea of all this really scares me.

interestingly enough, i seem to move myself emotionally to a place of insecurity and fear. i cannot change these situations at all. and much to my chagrin, i cannot direct the outcomes. i have concerns and attachments. but i am happy in my life generally. and if it is left up to my own brain, i will forget that i am partially living in bliss. all this spiritual work and i try to corner myself into a place of lack.

i was working with someone who just got out of jail after 2 months. their boyfriend packed up and moved out while they were in jail and they found themselves feeling devastated and dejected. just getting released from jail and all they can see is unhappiness and bad lack. this seems a little too close to home.

since when has my home looked like this? when did i start finding unhappy comfortable? how do get rid of this habit?

today's sound choice is from 1978. barry white with "playing your game baby"

You start, you stop
You know what you got
Is what I need
Oh, yes it is
When you give it up
It's only enough
To make me say
Ooo wee...

stay gone

I've found piece of mind
I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side
Back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say

this has been a telling month for me. things have seemed to go so smoothly until this september. a co-worker at my full time job has left to pursue other interests. no surprise, as she has been working in hiv for over 10 years and it can easily lead to burnout. so many needy clients and so many issues. but there is a hole left in the stream of treatment that will be filled again, but currently is felt by the rest of the team.

as i have continued to work on my issues around living with bipolar issues, i have found that perspective has become a good friend. i am learning that paranoia and inspiration have always been a part of my personality and that they seem larger than life at times. so large that i can feel as if i am unable to buckle them in, but they do recede. and maybe i can learn from them. this is huge as i have always had these, but what has changed is how i react to them.

have started work on a committee to ease the restrictions on intakes at a clinic within my workplace. this is an exciting endeavor for me. it will be very interesting to see how it all proceeds. i know that the communication between a few clinics seems to have broken down some time ago, and to re-engage can only benefit the patients at the end of any process. so i am thrilled to be part of it. more later no doubt.

the newsletter seems to have been taking way too long. my friend who does the layout has had his plate very full and has not found time to push it through. i struggle with my instinct to over-react. i did finally leave a message with him that i would be happy to shop it around for another layout person. i felt great that i understood he was busy and wanted to support that. but it's been almost 5 weeks. i can't even remember what i sent over to include. the next issue i am hoping will change direction slightly anyway. my intention is to develop a more holistic perspective for all persons living with hiv in the whole of colorado.

i have travelled more this month than i remember in the recent past. grand lake for a weekend and buena vista for a weekend. and i have a lunch and shopping day (end of season) in estes park coming up. this signals a definite shift in my psyche. it reflects that i am feeling at home in my life and ready to branch out. this reading feels true to me. i am more content than i can ever remember and feel safe and supported. and hopefully i am offering this to the people i encounter.

if you are new to recovery and reading this, i would encourage you to stay on the path. these gifts of personal insight only came my way with time away from self medication. that has been the biggest gift in my this process. and it is well worth it.

i am offering today's sound choice to my addiction and my self loathing. it is jimmy wayne with "stay gone"

always midnight

Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here
waiting in line?
For you.
Are you mine?
Not just when you wanna be
all of the time?
Are you?
Are you blind?
Don't you see me standing here
Won't you tell me what it is
I'm waiting to find..?

it's been such a strange holiday season. i actually can say i'm not so sad to see it go. i have felt as if i have been doing most things incorrectly and felt bumbly and boobish. additionally, having people around who are actually in the process of having mental breaks has offered anything but solace. that would have exacerbated any situation, i think.

it is said not to start new ventures or relationships when mercury is in retrograde. i am not actually sure what the meaning of all that is, but i believe that as the tide flows in and out and is affected by the moon, so my body and brain- made mostly of water, work in very much the same way. we are influenced by the rotation and gravity that we cannot consciously feel. and perhaps, being bipolar, i am influenced even more deeply by those external factors.

but these last couple of months have been awkward at best. i am learning, not quickly enough no doubt, that i am not responsible for everyone else's issues. and i'm really learning on a deeper level that most things are not about me. sometimes things just happen and no matter how differently i had done things, they would have been in the same place.

i have to get back to a place where i feel i have something to give others, because that is very much the case. but i have been swirling around in a whirlpool of doubt and self pity. my arms are tired from paddling against the current and i think i need to rest.


today's sound choice is pat monahan with "always midnight"

shapeshifter

the legend is whispered
in the women's tent
how the moon when she rises
full
follows some men into themselves
and changes them there
the season is short
but dreadful shapeshifters
they wear strange hands
they walk through the houses
at night their daughters
do not know them
....lucille clifton

i have been back at the gym for about 3 weeks now and i am starting to see a bit of a difference. my midsection has risen like a sourdough starter to be twice its normal size.(ewww) I am distinctly hoping to address this issue consistently. i have realized that during step class, once the warm-up is over and we are into running the combinations, i am in the throes of meditation. i let go of my conscious self and definitely act on instinct. i concentrate on the moment at hand and not thinking about what i need to do, or what i hope happens.

i also find that with this physical change comes a more subtle perception change. having more energy from the endorphins i suppose, i feel again as if i can process a bit more than i could a month or so ago. i have a few irons in the fire and i am not so much feeling overwhelmed for any length of time. it comes and goes.

and i am learning to think peacefully. certainly not first, but definitely before acting in many many situations. this is saving me so much wear and tear on my soul.

this business of changing is really multi-layered and compelling. i intend to help it hold my interest for awhile.

today's sound choice- barack obollywood

trance

We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children - and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control."

have you ever found yourself in the position where you feel as if you are waking from some kind of really weird dream? that's how i feel today.

i know that i suspended a lot of my good sense a few months back as i encountered a weird phenomenon which consisted of re-experiencing some childhood trauma. i'm not gonna go into it at length, but i am touching on it because i am just now realizing that as a result of actively working through these feelings as best as i have been able, something must really be working. i have faced those feelings, which for years i was completely afraid to do. face them i did (am) and i am not hurting beyond comprehension as i had feared. hardly that really. instead, my life is beginning to consist of moments when i am in the present. sometimes minutiae, sometimes for longer periods of time, the experience of being her now is starting to seem real.

i am much more aware of how i am feeling and even more aware of how others are feeling. i am letting go of making others difficulties be about me. i am also learning how to really think of others first (or if not first at least a very quick second). this glacier is melting. this hole in my soul is beginning to fill. i am feeling. i am not having to feel an extreme in order to feel, i am actually feeling more subtle emotions.

i feel like i am waking up, like rumplestiltskin. i am coming out of a trance. i feel the same, but look very different. and the world around me has changed.

song in sidebar.... elements by danny tenaglia..click here to listen

a new look this season

i am starting another of a series of work-related meeting-filled days and evenings. absolutely no time to think about what is or is not working in my life. at this time, that is probably a blessing. i have been so eager to have things to do to avoid this very subject.

i have been working 3 jobs and keeping myself busy, but have really not enough income to meet my bills properly and none really left over to spend on myself. of course, my mortgage is on myself, my cable is on myself, my cell phone is on myself, my isp is on myself, my transportation is on myself, my gym is for myself. but i don't instantly see it that way. i'm talking vacations, dinners, and clothing.

i have recently started the second half-century of my life, my priorities are shifting, i see the horizon drawing closer, i have become more acquainted with old prejudices and terrors while wearing this garment called recovery, and i have worked with and through some defects i had been completely unaware of until 4 years ago.

it's been quite an adventure, this stripping down of my sense of self, and allowing a fresh perspective to settle in. so often, i want to pre-judge my situations, so often, i lean towards expecting disaster (or at least a dramatic turn of events), and yet so often, if i catch myself, none of these actually transpire. more often than not, if i leave my imagination and expectation out of it, i travel down a path that is filled with unexpected and aromatic experiences, not to mention pleasing to all the senses. it's letting go of what i know, and allowing myself to learn.

there is more than just a lesson here for me. i am going to try to wear contentment for awhile and see how that suits me. i can't guarantee that it will fit, or be comfortable, but i've never even tried it on, let alone found it in my top five choices for outerwear. i figure it's time for a change.

it's listening, not speaking. it's staying still, not spinning. it's reaching out, not pulling in. maybe it's living in faith, not in fear.

if this is what serenity feels like, i'll have another helping, please.