a new look this season

i am starting another of a series of work-related meeting-filled days and evenings. absolutely no time to think about what is or is not working in my life. at this time, that is probably a blessing. i have been so eager to have things to do to avoid this very subject.

i have been working 3 jobs and keeping myself busy, but have really not enough income to meet my bills properly and none really left over to spend on myself. of course, my mortgage is on myself, my cable is on myself, my cell phone is on myself, my isp is on myself, my transportation is on myself, my gym is for myself. but i don't instantly see it that way. i'm talking vacations, dinners, and clothing.

i have recently started the second half-century of my life, my priorities are shifting, i see the horizon drawing closer, i have become more acquainted with old prejudices and terrors while wearing this garment called recovery, and i have worked with and through some defects i had been completely unaware of until 4 years ago.

it's been quite an adventure, this stripping down of my sense of self, and allowing a fresh perspective to settle in. so often, i want to pre-judge my situations, so often, i lean towards expecting disaster (or at least a dramatic turn of events), and yet so often, if i catch myself, none of these actually transpire. more often than not, if i leave my imagination and expectation out of it, i travel down a path that is filled with unexpected and aromatic experiences, not to mention pleasing to all the senses. it's letting go of what i know, and allowing myself to learn.

there is more than just a lesson here for me. i am going to try to wear contentment for awhile and see how that suits me. i can't guarantee that it will fit, or be comfortable, but i've never even tried it on, let alone found it in my top five choices for outerwear. i figure it's time for a change.

it's listening, not speaking. it's staying still, not spinning. it's reaching out, not pulling in. maybe it's living in faith, not in fear.

if this is what serenity feels like, i'll have another helping, please.