no one gets the prize....

Begin by repeating to yourself,



I am not a body. I am free….


For I am still as God created me….






Then repeat the idea for the day,


I bless the world because I bless myself….

omg, yesterday really put me through it. from the moment i got to work until i got home, it was really like licking astroturf- nothing comfortable at all. i was in a rush all day (yes - rushing is my last name), i felt like i was being dissed by almost everyone. at lunch i went to a networking thing, and i sat in the corner and spoke to no one. it would have been better for me to stay away.

i found myself feeling crunchy about so many details. i neeeded batteries for the walkie talkie and there were none. i had to search for an open room to meet with a client. someone i hadn't seen in almost a year looked right through me and then made sure i realized they were intentionally not speaking. i wanted to just scream all throughout the day.

"i am not my body, i am free. for i am still as god created me". this was my mantra for so very long as i was going through withdrawal and reconstruction. i remember working at the airport and taking the bus at 5am to get to work by 6. i also remember the characters that took the same bus regularly with me. i used to wonder how i landed in the same universe. specifically i remember a woman talking to me about social services taking her kids and how she was working extra shifts to make extra money. then she would boast about the hot tub she was planning on buying with the money. not much was said about extra for the kids.

i learned that if i repeated my little mantra, the internal struggle that was always happening within me would subside. it would seem peaceful and quiet in my mind for a while. so i developed a habit of repeating that phrase over and over. indeed, i was probably brainwashing myself, but on so many levels, i really needed my brain washed.

so today, i found myself using that mantra again. i wanted so much to jump into a "victim" perspective with all the snubbing and dissing and whispering going on around me. and i probably did step into that puddle now and again.

but i have survived and am roasting a chicken and some veggies for the guys in the group tomorrow. i am allowing myself some fun and the opportunity to give something of myself. it doesn't change anything but me when i do this, and that is completely enough for me. oh yeah.. happy friday the 13th!!!

today's sound choice takes me back to the mid-seventies. it is the mighty, mighty diana ross with "no one gets the prize" the only live-in boyfriend i have ever had loved, loved, loved her. we used to sleep with a 6'x9' poster of her between our mattresses. after we broke up, i ran into him doing a drag show and lip synching to one of her songs at a bar called the "artful dodger". i loved that goofy place. it was run by sparkle and taco- a gay couple that worked at the record store on broadway and belmot. they had photographs of the english royal family on the walls of the dodger.



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who's driving the bus?

So now we are faced with an important question, 'Who's driving your bus?'

Is it someone from your past who has dominated you and what you do, even though they may not still be present in your life now? Are they taking you where you want to go? Do you feel like you would like to the bus to stop and let you off? Now here comes the challenge...

From this rear seat of observation, we need to start to move closer to the driver's seat. It doesn't matter how long this takes, and it doesn't matter how much we are challenged by the people who may be trying to block our progress forward. We have to do this for ourselves... starting right now!.. from ezine article

as i thought about this post i had a tongue in cheek when i thought of my fella blogger java. she used to be a bus driver for a living. i loved so many of her stories about the adventures on that bus of hers. i still am agog with her life's adventures and her frank ability to relay them.

but back to this bus. there is a saying in recovery which is "who's driving your bus". this is in direct correlation to a next stage of recovery. once someone gets the chemicals out of their body and their brain, and let go of the obsession to re ingest, there is a new situation that appears on the foreground.

it consists of the mess that had been covered up by too much pills and liquor that now moves into the foreground. many many times, people who get sober will find themselves involved in what would seem insane behavior because they haven't done any work learning how to live life on life's terms. they haven't healed childhood traumas, they haven't forgiven perpetrators and still hold resentment. they haven't tried to grow or just don't know how. this is often referred to in twelve step as a dry drunk.

it's not surprising. so many people seeking recovery have been under the influence for the greater part of their adult lives. to know how to roll with anger, frustration, worry, anxiety, or boredom is completely new to them they have no experience at coping either with the big stuff or the little. and i cannot forget fear. fear is at the root of so many issues, and i still find that i am afraid of things that are no longer even relevant in my life.

so many people put down the pipe, the straw, the needle, or the bottle. but if they want peace, they will need to strive for personal growth beyond just getting sober or clean. they will have to stretch their hearts and minds beyond their comfort zone.

at least this is my experience. i have now encountered this question at several junctions in my recent life.... "who's driving your bus?" and i have to wonder who is driving. i think it's not the guy i want it to be.

it is affirming to have direction. i need it in my life.

today's sound choice is diva diana ross with a live version of "do ya know where you're going to?"