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Friday, November 13, 2009

no one gets the prize....

Begin by repeating to yourself,

I am not a body. I am free….

For I am still as God created me….

Then repeat the idea for the day,

I bless the world because I bless myself….

omg, yesterday really put me through it. from the moment i got to work until i got home, it was really like licking astroturf- nothing comfortable at all. i was in a rush all day (yes - rushing is my last name), i felt like i was being dissed by almost everyone. at lunch i went to a networking thing, and i sat in the corner and spoke to no one. it would have been better for me to stay away.

i found myself feeling crunchy about so many details. i neeeded batteries for the walkie talkie and there were none. i had to search for an open room to meet with a client. someone i hadn't seen in almost a year looked right through me and then made sure i realized they were intentionally not speaking. i wanted to just scream all throughout the day.

"i am not my body, i am free. for i am still as god created me". this was my mantra for so very long as i was going through withdrawal and reconstruction. i remember working at the airport and taking the bus at 5am to get to work by 6. i also remember the characters that took the same bus regularly with me. i used to wonder how i landed in the same universe. specifically i remember a woman talking to me about social services taking her kids and how she was working extra shifts to make extra money. then she would boast about the hot tub she was planning on buying with the money. not much was said about extra for the kids.

i learned that if i repeated my little mantra, the internal struggle that was always happening within me would subside. it would seem peaceful and quiet in my mind for a while. so i developed a habit of repeating that phrase over and over. indeed, i was probably brainwashing myself, but on so many levels, i really needed my brain washed.

so today, i found myself using that mantra again. i wanted so much to jump into a "victim" perspective with all the snubbing and dissing and whispering going on around me. and i probably did step into that puddle now and again.

but i have survived and am roasting a chicken and some veggies for the guys in the group tomorrow. i am allowing myself some fun and the opportunity to give something of myself. it doesn't change anything but me when i do this, and that is completely enough for me. oh yeah.. happy friday the 13th!!!

today's sound choice takes me back to the mid-seventies. it is the mighty, mighty diana ross with "no one gets the prize" the only live-in boyfriend i have ever had loved, loved, loved her. we used to sleep with a 6'x9' poster of her between our mattresses. after we broke up, i ran into him doing a drag show and lip synching to one of her songs at a bar called the "artful dodger". i loved that goofy place. it was run by sparkle and taco- a gay couple that worked at the record store on broadway and belmot. they had photographs of the english royal family on the walls of the dodger.


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Java said...

So it was your Thursday the 12th that tanked, right? Not Friday the 13th? I hope today has been better.

Krokodil said...

Hey, my dear friend,
I haven't been around much this strange, strange year, that provided both some of the lowest points in my life and also the best thing that ever happened to me. But nevertheless, I am still thankful it is almost behind us. Reading this beautiful post reminded me again that you are one of the bravest people I know and trust me, I have come across amazing valor in my life. You inspire me.

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