going a little deeper

"When our values come into conflict with our behavior we have sold our integrity. When we live in such a way that our values are reflected in our behavior then we feel good about who we are." ...Earnie Larsen

it really seems sometimes that there is just too much damn work to do with this recovery trip. as i worked through the 12 steps with a sponsor, part of the process included making a list of my character defects and humbly asking for them to be removed. well, i did that, and one would hope that would be the end of it. sounds fairly succinct and tidy, doesn't it?

but it's a bit more complicated for me. as i have moved into life without getting high, i discover additional hidden layers of myself, perhaps because i'm alert enough to pay attention or sometimes because i just get in my own damn way. i find that i sometimes do things in direct contrast to my beliefs. i am not always kind when i have demonstrated and vowed to myself that is how i want to be. i sometimes manipulate situations and circumstances to get the result i want, in lieu of trusting the universe to deliver a result that is in my best interest.  i repeatedly experience ptsd around situations, especially with regard to social situations, and with men in particular and react by instinct instead of with delayed and examined thoughtfulness.

currently this is the work i am in the middle of. i sometimes get lost in the forest for the trees. it can be overwhelming, as i would prefer to have moved past all this personal revelation gunk. however,  i know that this is where the rubber meets the road in my journey. somehow i have come to realize (and believe) that all this work (baring my soul) not only has merit, but is required and will yield fruit. i have met people on several occasions that do not do this work. they have done the work to get sober or make change in their life, but have let it go there. they don't seem to have landed on "happy". and i prefer to take another path. pema chodron said "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." this rings of a deeper truth to me.
 
surely  i'm neurotic. it could easily read that way. i probably am. more truthfully is that i also  have always been that way. these last few years have just been clearing the cobwebs away from that truth instead of running from it. how am i to grow and change if i cannot honestly look at who i am? and how can i demonstrate and comprehend this behavior in others i work with, if i am too fearful or prideful to journey there myself? one more chodron quote for good measure..

People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.
......Pema Chodron

today's sound choice is a very tender selection. i stumbled upon it at pandora on my levi kries station. there seems to be a definite new direction in my taste, and it fits nicely. here is jake walden with "for someone"