a gift of desperation

image credit.. james porto

i went to an al-anon meeting with a friend last night for the 1st time in a coupla years. of course, they focus on the 12 steps around trying to "fix" or "take care" or "manage" their own lives and the lives of the loved ones who are entrenched in addiction.

it was a larger meeting with over 25 people sharing their experiences, strengths, and hope around their own insanity. and again i found these people telling my story. growing up around a family of self-medicating bi-polars taught me to look beyond my own intuition and consider keeping secrets, silencing angers, and troubleshooting potential eruptions.

so many of my family members used alcohol heavily. my mother seemed to be caught on a teeter-totter of self- destruction and secret sadness. i had an uncle that drank so heavily that he got into vehicular accidents more than once, including one that left many in our family with a belief in miracles. my grandfather had kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in the garage his whole life because he managed better with whiskey in him regularly. and my grandmother was always trotting down to the local bar to drag his ass home before she hit the sack.

these are simply the building blocks of my own brand of insanity. i was a survivor of sexual abuse at a very young age and became what could be perceived as a predator. being fatherless had created a void where this sexual interest by males seemed something to covet- and covet i did.  and the more men i snared, the more validation i got and with that came a warped sense of power. so it didn't matter that these guys didn't respect me, or betrayed me, laughed about me, told stories about me- or so i thought.

actually, all that public and private humiliation did take a toll. a great cost actually. i am still paying in many ways.  so as i read step one aloud last night in that room- 1) we admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable, i realized that i am  (and always have been) powerless over my reactions to my life and that although my life has changed over the years, my responses to these situations are instinctual and ancient.

one of the main gifts of sobriety for me is the ability and grace to recognize my instincts and refrain from indulging them. this is my understanding of the gift of desperation- that my reactions to life only cause me pain and grief and that i need to find to move beyond instinct and learn to ask for help and do things differently.

freedom in surrender

                                                                   

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

 
sometimes, my head get so bogged down in details and drama that i forget to go back to the basics. now and again, i begin to get disheartened because i am not able to help some people. they are too sick or beyond my abilities. this usually is the time for me to start working "harder" than the client and to second guess myself every step of the way. but that is not helpful either. typically, i know this is not helpful, but find myself doing it anyway. it only dilutes my abilities and my senses. my supervisor once told me that sometimes it needs to be enough that we are just present. that we listen and that we are there. learning humilitiy on a deeper level is "right-sizing" for certain. i can help someone without solving their problems. it's a simple concept that i have a tendency to forget. just as simple as i can have problems and still be okay, too. this is life on life's terms in my eyes. none of us get of scot-free.

The key to Step 6 is acceptance -- accepting character defects exactly as they are and the willingness to let them go.


Step 6


Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.


After identifying shortcomings and admitting to them by working Step 4 and 5, the next step forces members of 12-step recovery groups to ask themselves if they are really willing to give up some of those faults. After all, some of them have been around so long, they are like old friends. They have been comfortable.


But if the previous steps have been done thoroughly and honestly, many times facing the truth can bring a measure of guilt, which is a great motivation to become "entirely ready" to have those shortcomings removed. As with all the steps, the ability to become ready comes from a higher power, a power greater than yourself.... from 12 step study

today's sound choice is an acoustic version of colorado's own "the fray". here is "you found me"




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use somebody

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm”

i realize that there are some things i really don't understand. and there are some things i probably never will. without a doubt in my former life, this would have driven me crazy- this not understanding. but that was before. now i am okay with not knowing. i can't say i like it, but i can live with it. at least i can try to live with it.

i have an acquaintance that has told me they have a bi-polar diagnosis. not so unusual, right? however, the more time i have spent with this person, the more i question if that is actually the diagnosis. i am in no way a diagnostician, but i have come to wonder if this person has a more intricate issue- perhaps even a disorder.

is is sometimes called bpd- borderline personality disorder. from what i understand it is not treatable. or if it is treatable, it is extremely difficult and certainly not curable. the nature of the disorder itself is one that fools its inhabitant into not seeing beyond itself. it causes the affected person to be completely unable to see their own responsibility. they become too busy manipulating any situation to lend their own position into a favorable one. they lose the sense of genuine-ness.

being unsure if my suspicion here is authentic or imagined, i can only go on my gut. knowing i cannot change something makes it no easier to deal with. and living in frustration because of a situation is foolish. so i can't change it and i don't like it, so what do i do? my first inclination was to leave the situation, but that isn't surrender, that is retreat. surrender is acceptance without giving in. understanding is needed and leadership is still required. i am not sure if it's in me, or that i am the right one.

here is a brief description of some traits assigned to bpd from the palace. please know that many of these could easily be assigned to me, especially before i got clean and started taking meds regularly. and i believe they say that often bi-polars in manic periods will present as bpd. (kinda hard to keep up then, eh?) to top it all off, i think i get triggered by this person's behavior, as i recognize it in myself. and i'm pretty sure they know it bothers me, and they enjoy it.

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines, Revised
Gunderson and his colleague, Jonathan Kolb, tried to make the diagnosis of BPD by constructing a clinical interview to assess borderline characteristics in patients. The DIB was revised in 1989 to sharpen its ability to differentiate between BPD and other personality disorders. It considers symptoms that fall under four main headings:

Affect
chronic/major depression
helplessness
hopelessness
worthlessness
guilt
anger (including frequent expressions of anger)
anxiety
loneliness
boredom
emptiness

Cognition
odd thinking
unusual perceptions
nondelusional paranoia
quasipsychosis

Impulse action patterns
substance abuse/dependence
sexual deviance
manipulative suicide gestures
other impulsive behaviors

Interpersonal relationships
intolerance of aloneness
abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears
counterdependency
stormy relationships
manipulativeness
dependency
devaluation
masochism/sadism
demandingness
entitlement

today's sound choice is one from one of my absolute favorite current bands. here is kings of leon with "use somebody"

faith

Jimmy Carter:
I have one life and one chance to make it count for something . . . I'm free to choose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands -- this is not optional -- my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.

one of the cornerstones of recovery for me most certainly is faith. i cannot explain it really. i only know that i have had to let go of what i want in many situations in order to be relieved of the burden of that want. there is a phrase from a course in miracles which goes- would you rather be happy or would you rather be right.

i have asked myself that question in so many instances, and honestly most of the time my first answer is both. that's real but not necessarily realistic. and not likely. the practical answer that follows is being happy. i would definitely rather be happy.

the only way i have learned to do that is by letting go of my expectation. it doesn't mean i don't apply myself. quite the opposite as a matter of fact. i need to pour some of myself into my actions because i am able. i really never expected to see 50 and so each day is truly a bonus. is there a reason i have survived this journey? will i ever know that reason? can i be fulfilled without knowing?

these questions and many just like them are part of my landscape and i have come to believe that it takes faith to know the questions exist and not really have an answer. i believe i will be ok, whether or not i have a plausible response.

sounds good eh? it even works sometimes. i'm still trying to get it to work more. after all as i've heard many times, "faith without works is dead".