uncharted

image credit ... samuel hodge

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”



the ideas that i have encountered in my journey to stay clean have far surpassed anything i could have imagined. on the days when i am grounded, i know i feel healthier, happier, and more whole (very queer as i used to repeat an affirmation with those words). and on the days when i am not on my game, sometimes i feel as if i have been turned inside out, like a wayward sock at the bottom of the dryer. all my insides hanging out and picking up lint, the pattern and texture of my life visible for the world to see-(as if anyone is really looking at that stuff but me).

my world view has expanded as my ability to hear others' stories. and all of this torture that i have witnessed and trudged through may just be leading me to a safer and higher overlook. i had no idea that many of the things i have thought about myself were based on misperceptions and circumstances- not truth. i had no idea that i was not to blame for others' inappropriate behaviors. i had no idea that i had every right to be - just the way i am (i honestly had no clue about this- for the whole of my life before sobriety, i quietly believed that  somehow i was tainted and wrong)

i didnt' realize that a mental health issue was just like thin hair or brown eyes and could be managed and worked with- after a lifetime of thinking it called the shots. i have learned that not reacting is sometimes the best response to a situation. i am understanding that my impulses-although succinct and powerful- are not necessarily facing a good direction. and i have learned (albeit painful sometimes) that saying "no" to myself is sometimes the kindest thing i can do.

somehow, life has once again become an uncharted adventure for me. the unknowns have moved into my awareness more, but the fear of these aspects is diminishing. life has been full and savory. as i come up on an  anniversary and reflect, i let go of more and more regret and find gratitude for the lessons that regret ushered in. i am even in the process of forgiving my betrayers. it's so much saner than holding that jagged chard of glass called resentment (fear)

i always joke with my mother because she was in labor with me for almost 48 hours. it was 1958 and cesareans weren't as commonplace as they are today. i tell her that even though i had agreed to come down to live this life, i was there in the womb, lodging myself in her birth canal, because i was having second thoughts. i had changed my mind (pentimento). i got stage fright and couldn't go on. i knew how hard it was going to be and i didn't think i could do it. and i have echoed those thoughts at several junctions along the way.

yet somehow, with the help of something outside myself, i have managed to do it. this fact, indeed, is a miracle. here's to a funtastic friday and weekend. i'm gonna enjoy this good mood while it's in town.

T E N

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

will wonders never cease? after all that nonsense in march and april in my professional life, i have decided to follow a new path with the help of a few friends. it is a bit scary i suppose, but i don't have too much invested yet either.

we are going to start an agency for hiv positives which is operated by hiv positives. i know that this happens in other cities, and i believe that it is how aso's (aids service organizations) began here, but that changed long ago in denver. and i think that an insider view might be useful in the system of service delivery.

here is the beginnings of our mission:

Treatment Education Network’s mission is to educate and empower individuals living with HIV through peer-led programming, linkage to care, support services, information dissemination, and advocacy. We also provide services to the broader community to increase HIV knowledge and sensitivity, and to reduce the risk of infection.

and a friend who has signed on as legal counsel advises that we add: "This organization may also engage in any other activities permitted under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code."

we have decided to name the venture "Treatment Education Network" (TEN). The marketing possibilities are huge with that name i think. we will undoubtedly need a logo, so if anyone out there is interested in donating some possibilities, they would be welcome. (slim to none budget you know)

again, i say "will wonders never cease". this journey of life and recovery really blows me away sometimes. this indeed could be another of the promises coming true in my life. i just hope that we can bring some light in some dark rooms along the way.

i have been looking for this song for quite awhile on youtube. it was played at the very end of the film "longtime companion". although i lived in chicago and not new york, that film remains a lifelike journal of the eighties for me. and i always loved the song at the end, probably because i sat so long in the theatre after the film ended just trying to figure out what to do with all my feelings. lyrics for postmortem bar here

the promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

today i was sharing about how my whole attitude towards life has changed. i have fucked up so many opportunities and good situations in my life. it's pretty much been non stop fuckups and wasted potential since i was a tween. and being loaded was often if not always in the mix. i cannot remember a time, when deep down, i didn't feel that i was a piece of shit, or less than, or undeserving.

so when i got clean, and finally let loose of my ego's hold on my life, and worked through the steps with a sponsor, i began to not always believe those things about myself. i mean, i have always felt that way about my life, and now i don't have to believe that about myself. i still drift to those thoughts now and again, but i no longer stay there, or rest there, or live there. this is a huge change in my outlook on life and in my experience of life in general.

the other fantastic part of my perception that has shifted is that i can now feel the love, care, and support of others. i am sure that it has always been there, but i have never been able to take it in until i went through this process. i can live with myself not being perfect, making mistakes, and still feel love and support. this has rocked my world into a new dimension.

the promises continue to come true in my life.