the promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

today i was sharing about how my whole attitude towards life has changed. i have fucked up so many opportunities and good situations in my life. it's pretty much been non stop fuckups and wasted potential since i was a tween. and being loaded was often if not always in the mix. i cannot remember a time, when deep down, i didn't feel that i was a piece of shit, or less than, or undeserving.

so when i got clean, and finally let loose of my ego's hold on my life, and worked through the steps with a sponsor, i began to not always believe those things about myself. i mean, i have always felt that way about my life, and now i don't have to believe that about myself. i still drift to those thoughts now and again, but i no longer stay there, or rest there, or live there. this is a huge change in my outlook on life and in my experience of life in general.

the other fantastic part of my perception that has shifted is that i can now feel the love, care, and support of others. i am sure that it has always been there, but i have never been able to take it in until i went through this process. i can live with myself not being perfect, making mistakes, and still feel love and support. this has rocked my world into a new dimension.

the promises continue to come true in my life.

impressions

there is an italian phrase that is used with regard to painting. lillian hellman also published a novel by this name in the early 70's. that novel was later made into a film titled "julia" starring jane fonda and vanessa redgrave. that word is pentimento. wikipedia describes it as:

A pentimento (plural pentimenti) is an alteration in a painting, evidenced by traces of previous work, showing that the artist has changed his mind as to the composition during the process of painting. The word derives from the Italian pentirsi, meaning to repent.

more from wikipedia here

i remember very clearly seeing "julia" when i was young and being completely taken with this description which is given at the beginning of the film. that monologue also describes how lillian felt comfortable on water because the body is 95 percent water and it seemed natural for her to be on a boat or on water.

i have always remembered the idea of pentimento. of evidential changing of one's mind. it detracts in some way the idea of perfect, however, at the same time it indicates procession and development, which is how art and growth happen.

it makes perfect sense to me that i conceive of something in a very specific way, but as it becomes clearer and more real, modifications will happen.

i was sharing a book of monet's works with some clients and i was talking about how perception alters as time marches. if you look at his earlier works such as the first one above, the subjects are clear and well drawn and precise. but as he matures, the focus shifts. the details of individual subject matter fade and the impression of the subject moves into the foreground. how the light is washing, how the color varies by time of day and position of sun. no longer are the intricate details of a face, or a house, or a tree as prominent as the reflection and refraction of the light and the world around them. i think this is one of the most refreshing observations i have had in a while. it seems so true that when i was young, i felt i could see everything. i felt that because i saw a situation, i understood the situation. but as i mature, it becomes increasingly clear that i understand far less than i would like to think. i concentrate more on understanding how my own perceptions might fit into a bigger picture.

i'm including a bit of cocteau twins today. i absolutely loved their sound and their live shows always made me feel as if i had done mescalin. they were very sensual and heady and i always swayed and felt groovy. i think they still sound magical...they definitely left a lasting impression with me.

a miracle

image credit: bill travis

i don't really have any specific miracle in mind today. i just know that my life is a miracle. i never expected to be here. i don't know all the reasons i have made it this far. i have much to learn and i have much to do.

i am posting lesson 1 from a course in miracles. the insights i have gained from studying the course have changed the direction of my thinking and therefore of my life. i won't post a lesson everyday, but i may post lessons now and then to help remind me where i'm going.

i am changing. right before my very eyes. "i'll be better than i am" as the song from "dreamgirls" says. and it's true. i am indeed changing. no turning back.

here we go with lesson number 1:

Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.


Now look slowly around you, and practice applying this idea very specifically to whatever you see:

This table does not mean anything.
This chair does not mean anything.
This hand does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This pen does not mean anything.

Then look farther away from your immediate area, and apply the idea to a wider range:

That door does not mean anything.
This body does not mean anything.
This lamp does not mean anything.
This sign does not mean anything.
This shadow does not mean anything.
This drag queen does not mean anything.

Notice that these statements are not arranged in any order, and make no allowance for differences in the kinds of things to which they are applied. That is the purpose of the exercise. The statement should merely be applied to anything you see. As you practice the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned.

Each of the first three lessons should not be done more than twice a day each, preferably morning and evening. Nor should they be attempted for more than a minute or so, unless that entails a sense of hurry. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential.

and now because you've been so patient with me today, please click HERE for today's music.

and i have a question... does anyone dream of being a backup singer anymore?