lesson 101

the following is an excerpt from the online lessons at a course in miracles. i picked the number at random, but i also am not sure if there is really such a thing as random. no matter- i think there is a lesson here for me.

Lesson 101



God's Will for me is perfect happiness.



Today we will continue with the theme of happiness. This is a key idea in understanding what salvation means. You still believe it asks for suffering as penance for your "sins." This is not so. Yet you must think it so while you believe that sin is real, and that God's Son can sin.



If sin is real, then punishment is just and cannot be escaped. Salvation thus cannot be purchased but through suffering. If sin is real, then happiness must be illusion, for they cannot both be true. The sinful warrant only death and pain, and it is this they ask for. For they know it waits for them, and it will seek them out and find them somewhere, sometime, in some form that evens the account they owe to God. They would escape Him in their fear. And yet He will pursue, and they can not escape.


If sin is real, salvation must be pain. Pain is the cost of sin, and suffering can never be escaped, if sin is real. Salvation must be feared, for it will kill, but slowly, taking everything away before it grants the welcome boon of death to victims who are little more than bones before salvation is appeased. Its wrath is boundless, merciless, but wholly just.



Who would seek out such savage punishment? Who would not flee salvation, and attempt in every way he can to drown the Voice which offers it to him? Why would he try to listen and accept Its offering? If sin is real, its offering is death, and meted out in cruel form to match the vicious wishes in which sin is born. If sin is real, salvation has become your bitter enemy, the curse of God upon you who have crucified His Son.


You need the practice periods today. The exercises teach sin is not real, and all that you believe must come from sin will never happen, for it has no cause. Accept Atonement with an open mind, which cherishes no lingering belief that you have made a devil of God's Son. There is no sin. We practice with this thought as often as we can today, because it is the basis for today's idea.



God's Will for you is perfect happiness because there is no sin, and suffering is causeless. Joy is just, and pain is but the sign you have misunderstood yourself. Fear not the Will of God. But turn to it in confidence that it will set you free from all the consequences sin has wrought in feverish imagination. Say:


God's Will for me is perfect happiness.
There is no sin; it has no consequence.


So should you start your practice periods, and then attempt again to find the joy these thoughts will introduce into your mind.



Give these five minutes gladly, to remove the heavy load you lay upon yourself with the insane belief that sin is real. Today escape from madness. You are set on freedom's road, and now today's idea brings wings to speed you on, and hope to go still faster to the waiting goal of peace. There is no sin. Remember this today, and tell yourself as often as you can:


God's Will for me is perfect happiness.
This is the truth, because there is no sin.

 

today's sound choice is just as lovely as this post. i came it across it on the carl cox "back to mine" cd. it is jesus loves you with "after the love"... see if you can recognize the vocals...








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a miracle

image credit: bill travis

i don't really have any specific miracle in mind today. i just know that my life is a miracle. i never expected to be here. i don't know all the reasons i have made it this far. i have much to learn and i have much to do.

i am posting lesson 1 from a course in miracles. the insights i have gained from studying the course have changed the direction of my thinking and therefore of my life. i won't post a lesson everyday, but i may post lessons now and then to help remind me where i'm going.

i am changing. right before my very eyes. "i'll be better than i am" as the song from "dreamgirls" says. and it's true. i am indeed changing. no turning back.

here we go with lesson number 1:

Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.


Now look slowly around you, and practice applying this idea very specifically to whatever you see:

This table does not mean anything.
This chair does not mean anything.
This hand does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This pen does not mean anything.

Then look farther away from your immediate area, and apply the idea to a wider range:

That door does not mean anything.
This body does not mean anything.
This lamp does not mean anything.
This sign does not mean anything.
This shadow does not mean anything.
This drag queen does not mean anything.

Notice that these statements are not arranged in any order, and make no allowance for differences in the kinds of things to which they are applied. That is the purpose of the exercise. The statement should merely be applied to anything you see. As you practice the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned.

Each of the first three lessons should not be done more than twice a day each, preferably morning and evening. Nor should they be attempted for more than a minute or so, unless that entails a sense of hurry. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential.

and now because you've been so patient with me today, please click HERE for today's music.

and i have a question... does anyone dream of being a backup singer anymore?

the gay nineties

what do i remember about those gay nineties? i know that throughout the first half i lived like i was dodging a bullet. in my head, in my heart, in my soul, i was ducking, bobbing, weaving, hiding, and running away from the great possibility of the times. that dying thing that so many gay men were doing then. it was overwhelming, really. so mind boggling that most of my peers were walking with ptsd. everywhere we looked around us, we were fading. we were diminishing. we were disappearing.

then in 96, dr ho and his miracle cocktail came out of the woodwork. it was very much like oz, after the house squashed the wicked witch of the west. gay men we had stopped seeing started to come out of hiding. our lives shifted. in the space of 2 years or so, the once permanent darkness was fading and blue skies and sunshine once again became part of the landscape. come out, come out wherever you are became the phrase of the moment- in many more ways than one.

just like the seventies and the eighties, the nineties are a miracle time in the history of gay american culture. hell gay culture and well, culture everywhere for that matter. the quilt, the march on washington, the red ribbon campaign, the healthcare system makeover, the cocktail. the scourge is not over. the war has not ceased. there is no truce yet. there are many, many casualties still. on our little continent though, that decade brought a miracle. and i am humbled, still, to this day as i look out on the horizon.

i know i will always remember the 90's. it was just like going over niagra falls in a barrel. scary as hell while i was in it, but such a relief and feeling of accomplishment and blessing to have survived. it was definitely an adventure. i know my nineties were gay.

so far

image credit: luc olivier


the holiday surrounds me and i find very strange circumstances popping up in my life. i have been so driven to step up to the plate and create change in my community and thus in my world, but now i find i am not so sure that my zeal is healthy. doorways appear and i step through them, as this has always been my way, both before and after recovery. i am pausing today, to ask myself what if i were to not keep pushing as hard as i have been? will my purpose fade? will my life improve?

i find myself involved in a drama and a relationship (not intimate) in which i somehow feel trapped. i feel that i am headed in one direction and the counterpart(s) are headed in another. this in and of itself would be fine, except that i don't honestly see their direction headed anywhere near healthy. and i am confounded as to how to proceed. i definitely am praying about this, but i find myself reacting to situations and happenstances instead of being proactive and this is disturbing to me. it sets me up to be a victim, which i have had my share already in my life.

so i need to be proactive with my prayer. i have been blessed so far with following my instinct and so i will continue with this. as part of my prayer i am going to re-engage with some of mark bryan and julia cameron's work. i will start journaling and working through riding the dragon.

following the teachings of a course in miracles, i know that if something is distasteful to me in my world, or something doesn't isn't working, the change needs to come from within. i am hoping that journaling will be a good way for me to access this change/growth. i am ready for something new and to let go of the broken record inside my head. all in all, my life in recovery has been a great ride so far.