so far

image credit: luc olivier


the holiday surrounds me and i find very strange circumstances popping up in my life. i have been so driven to step up to the plate and create change in my community and thus in my world, but now i find i am not so sure that my zeal is healthy. doorways appear and i step through them, as this has always been my way, both before and after recovery. i am pausing today, to ask myself what if i were to not keep pushing as hard as i have been? will my purpose fade? will my life improve?

i find myself involved in a drama and a relationship (not intimate) in which i somehow feel trapped. i feel that i am headed in one direction and the counterpart(s) are headed in another. this in and of itself would be fine, except that i don't honestly see their direction headed anywhere near healthy. and i am confounded as to how to proceed. i definitely am praying about this, but i find myself reacting to situations and happenstances instead of being proactive and this is disturbing to me. it sets me up to be a victim, which i have had my share already in my life.

so i need to be proactive with my prayer. i have been blessed so far with following my instinct and so i will continue with this. as part of my prayer i am going to re-engage with some of mark bryan and julia cameron's work. i will start journaling and working through riding the dragon.

following the teachings of a course in miracles, i know that if something is distasteful to me in my world, or something doesn't isn't working, the change needs to come from within. i am hoping that journaling will be a good way for me to access this change/growth. i am ready for something new and to let go of the broken record inside my head. all in all, my life in recovery has been a great ride so far.