tough choices

he called and said he needed some help. he had started journaling and realized that he was fucked up. he was smoking so much pot that he wasn't doing a very good job of keeping his thoughts together. he has stopped doing all the coke and meth he was doing. and he felt good about that. but he was smoking crack now and again. he had a friend that came over on monday nights, they would smoke crack, have sex, and make a big mess in his room. he would fall asleep and his friend would end up eating a lot of the food in his pantry, so he would go without sometimes at the end of the week. he smokes pot every day and spends about $40 a week on that. he has a couple of drinks once or twice a week, but he has been very good.

he weighs about 120 lbs. he doesn't remember things very well. he is thoughtful and at one time was a really wonderful musician. but those things have receded. medication, food banks, doctor's appointments, and taking the bus have become his pastimes.

so he said he wanted help with a plan to stop smoking pot. he smokes everyday. several times a day, i am sure. i will be here to help him.

but i asked him if he thought he could give up the crack, too. he said he was too weak to have his friend over and not smoke crack. so he might consider not having his friend over. realistically, however, this is his only romantic entanglement. and he recently also told me he really wants a boyfriend.

to be continued (i hope)

today's sound choice is "don't look back" by bliss

wish(es)

like waves to the shore
part of the ocean
the stars high above
part of the sky

now i drift to you
i dream of a river
a water so blue
wish i could live there

wish you were here..

this year i received a huge gift. it was the fruition of some work combined with some hope, and i know it came to be. i have felt that my holiday is complete and that i don't really need any physical gifts, as i have received a most amazing thing already.

i feel like that still. i wouldn't change a thing with how this season has transpired. i am reminded that if i remain open, there will always be an occurrence around to keep my ego at a regular size. i will most likely always have in mind to be of service to others. and i will always have something to remind me that i can do better and i can look at life differently.

i do have a wish, however. and it is for myself. and i am putting it out here, because that is one of the perks of scribing a blog. it can be used for my own agenda.

so here goes... i wish that i will find peace of mind. i want for the painful self-examination and judgement that happens within me would subside a bit. i hope that i can have downtime in my life without slipping into a debbie downer (phrase borrowed from steve) when i am not completely busy or multi-tasking, i.e. in a slightly manic state.

while i am at it, i would wish that the barriers i put up to protect my heart would dissolve effortlessly and let love in.

and if this sounds like any of you dear readers, then i certainly share this wish with you.

today's sound choice is bliss doing "wish you were here"

new classic

Bliss can be a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness or joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife.

once in awhile, there is a cd that comes along that really rocks my world in some way. "quiet letters" by bliss is an example of such. it is actually a couple of years old, but the short compilation of songs still hold delight for me. it is a ambient masterpiece and can shift my mood whenever i hear it. for me, it has become a classic. i encourage you to check it out for yourself.

if you are looking for a gift for someone and may not quite be sure what to get them, i have no doubt this will be one not to forget.

here is what whiteswan music says about the cd:

Quiet Letters is a chill-out masterpiece with its captivating vocals, gentle percussion and gracious orchestration.

Deeply rooted in a fine collage of Western, African and classical musical influences, representing the vast musical backgrounds of the band, Bliss has inspired comparisons to Sade, Massive Attack and Ennio Morricone. Bliss is Steffen Aaskoven, Marc-George Andersen, Alexandra Hamnede, Salvador 'Tchando' Embalo, and features guest vocals by Sophie Barker from Zero 7.

Bliss is an international chill out pop music collective from Denmark, Sweden and Guinea-Bissau, West Africa. Since 2001, they have released material on the Danish label, music for dreams, appeared on more than 60 compilations worldwide and in such tv shows as csi: crime scene investigation.

Quiet Letters is Balearic, classic and mysterious, one of those albums that you have always been looking for without ever finding. It will transport you far beyond the beaches of Ibiza, on a travel through African soul, Scandinavian jazz, and ethereal pop featuring guest vocals by zero 7’s sophie barker. Experience the chill out record of the summer. Catch some Bliss.


Musicians

steffan aaskoven : producer & composer
marc-george andersen : composer
salvador 'tchando' embalo : singer & composer
alexandra hamnede : singer
sophie barker : singer

of course today's sound choice is by bliss: kissing

bliss

Willa Cather
Miracles seem to rest, not so much upon faces or voices or healing power coming suddenly near to us from far off, but upon our perceptions being made finer so that for a moment our eyes can see and our ears can hear that which is about us always.

from my perspective, there is a process to this recovery walk. i feel so very different today than i did, say 2 years ago. i feel as if i am gregor samsa but in sepia or black & white, shifting from cockroach to human and from sepia to digital color. the movements in this are so extreme- from a snail's pace all the way to tornado-like.

i go to a meeting on sunday mornings that i have been attending for over 3 1/2 years. during one of the first meetings, i shared that i was bi-polar and a meth addict who had hiv. i certainly felt i would be judged. but this guy came up to me after group and said to me "with all those issues, you are going to have so much help to offer others". this totally blew me away. i had never even considered viewing any of my issues as a source of strength.

i am thankful to so many. too many to name. there are a few along my journey who have given me truth or kindness when i seemed to need them. i can only hope i can do the same for others. certainly, though, almost every blogger listed on my warriors list is responsible for giving me their experience, strength, and their hope in this particular aspect of my life. i started this blog a year and a half ago, and these wonderful personalities, all just as varied as individual notes in a lullabye, have given also given me comfort and direction as life's clouds have rolled by.

bliss and kisses....this is what recovery means to me today, on the 4 year anniversary of a shift in my perception.

my friend richard kearns sent me this poem. thank you richard. i hope you figured out what an orgasm is...:)

the sun jumped up

the sun jumped up
ran through the city
ashine betwixt scrapers
beamquick
clouds on fire
flamefluffed
glowed
three sixty
vaporizing
lowderlong
tied bandannalike
and sweated
by a musclebig
bald gay piledriver
yellow helmet-hat
not quite covering the true
arch’d blue blue blue
ache’d even bluer
surmountable by
dreamcrafted upsteps
as the city spreads
stalkingly past me
neither of us
rests
who dies first
come sunout?
will we know
night’s candles?
i shall. i will. i did.
they’re you
in darknesse
weep
while you
have tears
then laugh
then jump up and
run through the city
ashine
awake
faster than light

into the light

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

- Mary Oliver

i was born into a single parent family long before it was socially commonplace or accepted, in a small farming community in central illinois. my mother was just entering her senior year in high school and my father had just joined the army a few months prior and had stopped communication with her. he never returned.

i didn't know that the situation was unusual. there wasn't a formed notion such as a deadbeat dad. the mother was blamed and chastised as was the offspring amongst the rural communities. i didn't get that he had a problem. instead i always just thought it was me that was strange and less than normal. i carry a residual of that belief with me to this day. i have, of course, accepted the situations and have learned to deal with them in a healthy way, but trust me, it took a lot of work and a lot of soul searching to find peace.

it would be great if boyz/men could get a clearer understanding of some damages that lie in the wake of their adventures.

i no longer wish that he were here, but i will never stop wondering how it would have been or what would have.... if it had happened differently.

this is from one of my favorite chill cd's. this track is a merge of bliss and riccardo eberspache. if you have never heard bliss, don't wast any more time. the sound they put out into the world seems heavenly to me.

have a beautiful sunday...

wish you were here

image credit:philip toledano


i have taken today off work to just chill. my holiday party was going on at work and i was just in no mood. i hope i'm not trying to be a scrooge. better i am taking a personal day when i really need one.

i worked a party last night and i have another tonight and sunday. the extra money will come in handy. i am going to try to find faith today.. faith that i will get through these holiday blahs. and my frustration, too.

i bought this cd about 3 years ago. i still play it cuz i absolutely love it.