national equality march 2009

Cleve Jones is organizing the "Equality Across America" march in Washington, D.C. this October.

Longtime gay activist Cleve Jones said that he has received approval for an equality march and rally on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. for Sunday, October 11, which is National Coming Out Day.

Jones said that he's "100 percent confident the march will be allowed to proceed." He said organizers have been told "quite clearly and emphatically that there's no impediment to doing this."

Jones said that for now, the rally is being called "Equality Across America."

There has been vigorous debate in the community about whether to have a national march this year. Some have expressed concern about the event, saying that there isn't enough time to plan it and that resources should be used for other purposes. There's also been confusion as to whether space on the Mall would even be available.

Others believe this year is the right time for a march, citing inaction by Congress and President Barack Obama on LGBT issues.

"The biggest challenge is not getting people to view this march through the lens of previous marches," said Jones.

Previous national marches have been highly produced affairs, with celebrity speakers being flown in. Jones said that organizers for October's event are not planning an elaborate march and rally.

"We're doing a different type of thing," Jones said. "Bit by bit, we're making it clear to people that we're absolutely not going to spend millions of dollars on producing a march on Washington."

The rally will be on the west Capitol lawn, the portion of the National Mall closest to the U.S. Capitol building, said Jones.

written by seth hannigan for east bay area reporter... rest of article here

today's sound choice is jennifer hudson with "i'm telling you i'm not going"

candy

I would stand transfixed before the windows of the confectioners' shops, fascinated by the luminous sparkle of candied fruits, the cloudy lustre of jellies, the kaleidoscope inflorescence of acidulated fruitdrops -- red, green, orange, violet: I coveted the colours themselves as much as the pleasure they promised me."
Simone de Beauvoir

a downside

i made the very intelligent move of purchasing halloween candy 2 weeks early. now, of course, 2 days prior to all hallow's eve, all the candy has been eaten and i am without choice in purchasing more. so very typical for an addict.

an upside

but there is a bright side to all this candy nonsense. last night in my groups, i passed around a small bowl of halloween treats and the result was a highly interactive discussion from each of the 2 groups- insightful, a bit more honest, and lively as hell.

score one point for each side.

song choice : the fray - "over my head" acoustic version

queer eye

i was trying to discern what today's post has to do with recovery, and then i realized it embodies recovery for me. the day described in this post is a clear definition of my ability, albeit one day, to live life on life's terms. this may not be an ideal day for many of my readers, but it was an ideal day for me.

so we had spectacular weather for vail. not a cloud in the sky. the drive was beautiful and the autumn spectre felt like rapture. the palette was thoroughly autumnal, even though the aspen have already turned. additionally, the pine beetle is attacking the forests and turning evergreens this amazingly burnt looking rust color. it somehow worked with the color scheme, although the pines really seem to be screaming in that color.

we had lunch at a little cafe along clear creek called "up the creek". the waitress was a recent russian immigrant and mixed up some orders. frankly though, none of us cared.

then last evening we went for dinner to celebrate 22 years for vic and andrew. they were telling us stories of how they met. they met in ibiza 22 years ago. they have a house in london, a house on the isle of white, and a villa outside barcelona. they are genuinely smart, sweet, and funny. we shared stories about politics, work, life, and love on either side of the pond. i totally laughed my ass off.

the meal was spectacular. i had an antipasti plate with salami, gorgonzola, and homemade lavosh which rocked my world. i then had seared scallops with a light thai green curry with mango slaw. canolis with macerated orange rounded out the entire meal.

the staff signed a "happy anniversary" card and presented it to them with dessert. andrew got teary over the whole thing. staying with anything for 22 years is worth marking and commemorating. even more so, is staying with one person, through all those emotional changes, the bad moods, the illnesses, the disappointments, and the miscommunication. and of course we bantered about some of those with wit and skill through the entire process.

i got reminded of "the women" (1939 directed by george cukor). it is on of my favorite camp films. i would think it is a requirement for most every man who has or wants a gay card. it's a classic, classic, classic. i guess a weekend with the guys just brought this up for me.

oh, and before you watch this vid, you may find this site amusing...
palin for president
make sure to move your cursor over the entire picture slowly, it's interactive...
and click on the pics and the door, etc....

still or sparkling

The cure for anything is salt water -- sweat, tears, or the sea. Isak Dinesen

i do cater-waitering or butlering about 6 evenings a month to help keep cash flow going. mostly i like it, because it's work i have been doing since i became an adult so i can probably do it when i'm somnambulant. i don't run into too many crises and i make decent money. i get to see and be in some pretty spectacular homes and eat some incredible food.

i also see magnificent art on many occasions, and i have great laughs and relax because at those jobs no one needs me emotionally. it's a nice departure from my day job.



last night was the opening of a show at DAM and the artist (daniel richter) was being hosted at our client's home. they don't collect his work, but they are collectors and the size and the scope of the pieces they have amassed is stunning at the very least. some of the works on the walls throughout their house are beyond words. i believe he is an art dealer. i certainly don't know a huge amount, but i would guess the value of the art in their house is over $10m.

let's see, we served smoked chicken tostaditos with guac and queso, whole wheat noodles tossed in sunflower butter and red chile, tenderloin bruschetta with cambozola and onion comfit, polenta crisps with eggplant tapanade, grilled shrimp in shot glasses with roasted tomato salsa. the best, though, could have been dessert: fig and apple tartlette, ginger cheesecake with dark chocolate served on popsicle sticks. all delicious and truly amazing...(tasting is almost mandatory) and most definitely i had a sparkling water afterwards to cleanse my palate and quench a thirst.

but i recall asking the question "still or sparkling"? on several occasions last night, as well as hundreds of other nights, and it made me wonder if i was really asking something else, or if i was trying glean some further or more personal information from the answer. i mean, how would you answer the question....still or sparkling?

the net

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” from Sex And The City

a couple of friends and i have formed an hiv organization called t-e-n and are currently filing for 501c3 status. in tandem with this we have also begun a peer-led support group for newly poz gay men.

last night was the new group's first meeting. there were 11 men there. all relatively newly poz looking for support. all but one stayed an hour longer than scheduled. we presume it was worth it. several are interested in heading another group (at least at this stage). hopefully all are interested in helping themselves.

this is an initial triumph for t-e-n. being a poz gay man in denver has a different complexion than in many larger cities. it is quite stigmatized here and also quite closeted. community is quite tribal and not always the friendliest. this allows a different perspective in to a rather large tribe of gay men. pozzies.

here's what the next SIN newsletter says about the group...

Fall Into The Net
By Rick Smith

Hearing the words “You are HIV Positive!” can be challenging and life changing. You probably are unsure how you should feel and find you want to isolate yourself from the world as you adjust to your new circumstances. If this sounds like you then you may want to fall into a (safety) NET to keep you more balanced and strong.

Beginning October 1, 2008 the Treatment Education Network (TEN) will be hosting a pilot project we are calling the NET, for newly diagnosed gay men in metro Denver who are newly POZ. We invite each of you, who have been diagnosed within the last 3 years and think that you might need or want a safety NET as well as peer support and education, contact Rick Smith and claim your place. This is an effort of TEN, a community organization in metro Denver which is peer operated for and by HIV positive people.

Our support series, the NET, will meet at Denver Infectious Disease Consultants, 4545East 9th Avenue, starting on October 1st and continue meeting the first and third Wednesday of every month at 6:30 pm. The curriculum will last 9 sessions and take place every other week. No fees. Be prepared for lively conversations, accurate information, candid questions and thoughtful answers. This program is designed to be success focused and will include the following ideas. Many experienced HIV positive men find that most of these are part of their experience throughout life.

• Dealing with Diagnosis
• Disclosure to Others
• Sex and HIV
• Big Treatment Questions
• Financial Considerations
• Social Networking
• Spirituality
• HIV Education
• A Personal Support Network
• Sharing What You Know


If you have any questions, are ready to fall into the NET and join me, then please call me to schedule an intake interview to reserve your spot in the NET. We are limited to 15 people so please be sure to call soon.

revival

image borrowed from style revival

revival
Noun
1. a reviving or being revived
2. a reawakening of religious faith
3. a new production of a play that has not been recently performed
4. a renewed use or interest in: there has been a revival of interest in HIV prevention in gay men in the U.S.

this announcement came from napwa earlier this week. i believe it is a result of the latest cdc estimates to come out about gay/bi men's rates of new infections. worldwide, the trend is similar. gay/bi men account for the largest percentage of new infections in places like europe, india, asia, australia, etc...

it seems to me, that we cannot wait for the world to take care of us. instead we owe it to our future generations to teach them to take care of themselves the ways in which we have learned thus far as well as will continue to discover. i consider it not just my opportunity, but my privilege to be a part of this. there is a national gay men's health movement afoot, and i have jumped on board.



here is the announcement:

A TIME FOR ACTION

The fact is that the HIV epidemic is far from over for gay men. Consider that:

Fifty-three percent of new HIV infections occurred among men who have sex with men (MSM) in 2006
From 2001 – 2006, men who have sex with men (MSM) across all racial and ethnic groups were the only transmission category with significant increases in HIV diagnoses
HIV incidence has been increasing steadily among gay and bisexual men since the early 1990s, consistent with increases in risk behavior, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and HIV diagnoses among MSM
Gay men comprise over half of the total number of total HIV/AIDS cases in the United States
More than 500,000 gay men of all colors have died in the United States.
Despite these numbers, gay men are only tangentially represented in national AIDS Awareness Day. An awareness day devoted solely to gay, bisexual, same gender loving and transgendered gay men fills a glaring gap in national HIV/AIDS consciousness raising efforts.
rest of article here:

and here is a flyer for you.

i want it that way

it's been quite a few days that i have been in a bit of a funk. so much to process and so much to let go. i still find myself overwhelmed some days. i hear people speak of peace and serenity and i wonder if it is something i will ever truly know.

if anyone reads my blog with some regularity, you'll probably know that i push myself pretty hard and spend a good deal of my time doing service work. it's challenging often for a couple of reasons. there is not always success involved in doing service work. at times this can truly be taxing. it's very easy to become invested in an outcome, which defeats the purpose of service. then there are times when other challenges of service, environmental, tactical, implementation, and resistance can be like kissing a cactus- pretty prickly.

but i must say, that every day, with all these barriers, is still better than the insane stuck-in-a-loop, "i need another hit" life that i had lived for 30 years or so. i recommend service work. i can't think how i survived before it embraced me. i hope i can do it for the rest of my life.

today i have a meeting with the mayor's office of hiv resources. there are two topics on the agenda.

1) explore the possibility of hosting a conference to update the denver principles after 25 years.

2) explore the advancement of peer education among hiv positives with the intention of empowerment, recruitment of poz persons to work with hiv issues, and generate stronger self-efficay with regard to personal healthcare. after all knowledge is power.

obviously today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. that day and those events heralded in huge change in my world, and probably in all our worlds. i am taking a moment to remember those that passed on, and also those that were left behind. and i ask: have we moved in a good direction? are we doing the best we can as a nation and as a family of americans to mend what attracted that situation to us in the 1st place?

i saw this vid last year when i first discovered these boys. they make me laugh from my heart. i guess they remind myself of my friends when we were in our early teens. i think they are definitely some of the biggest queens of you tube, and i mean that in a beautiful way. they are mimics, they are obnoxious, and they definitely make me smile big time.

fashion

photocredit- towleroad

There's a brand new dance
But I don't know it's name
That people from bad homes
Do again and again
It's big and it's bland
Full of tension and fear
They do it over there but we don't do it here
david bowie

Mark Jacobs just closed his show at fashion week NY wearing this skirt pictured above. i saw the pic on towleroad and got a big smile on my face.

there was something very liberating about wearing a skirt. something that felt radical and rule-breaking, without really being over the top. i could be a non-conformist without dying my hair black or piercing or tattooing my body in order to make a statement. i loved wearing them. i have done so on and off (ha) throughout the years. not the kilt thing, but actual skirts, kick pleats, a-line, catholic school girl, even a housedress or a sundress now and then.

now it never got me laid, but i never relied on my couture for an introduction, either. but it did liberate me and empower me in some odd fashion. i think it takes a certain kind of guy to wear skirts. not just wearing one skirt for that single occasion. or wearing that one skirt to special occasions for one, two, or three seasons. i mean who has a few skirts and populates their regular attire with them.
and i actually think that might be my kinda man.

marc is gonna laugh, because this is definitely an 80's topic for me. that is when i developed this part of my style, and that is when i implemented it. i remember standing at the top of the stairs that were the entrance of medusa's in a calf-length plaid skirt and doc martins, being called a faggot by some off duty navy men from great lakes. the skinhead bouncers immediately informed the loudmouths that if they wanted to come into the club, it would be necessary to apologize for calling names. i think it was the first time they were called on their behaviors. they actually apologized, with the help of the others standing in line, and we let them in. that scenario happened repeatedly at that club, both at the door and on the dance floor, and was the premier reason i loved working there. it was social change as well as a job, and a hella lotta fun. and i did much of it wearing skirts.



what are your thoughts on men in skirts?

psst- i think i might be entering a david bowie retro period. i have found myself listening to quite a bit of his music over the last few weeks. his songs may pop up now and again.

flower boy

‘Many people fear nothing more terribly than to take a position which stands out sharply and clearly from the prevailing opinion. The tendency of most is to adopt a view that is so ambiguous that it will include everything and so popular that it will include everybody. Not a few men who cherish lofty and noble ideas hide them under a bushel for fear of being called different.’

— Martin Luther King

i was in the shower and i suddenly had this memory. i was in either kindergarten or the 1st grade and lived next door to a girl named gigi jaggard. we had a flower garden in the back yard of the house i lived in, full of zinnias, peonies, daisies, roses, etc... it was summertime. gigi and i used to play together a lot. she made me laugh and she was my closest friend that summer. i had been to a wedding earlier that month and was smitten with the concept of flower girl. walking down the aisle at the beginning of the ceremony with a basket full of petals tossing them aside leaving a trail to mark her way.

gigi and i decided to play flower girl, so i got an empty fruit loops box ( i probably emptied it for the occasion) and began to pick the petals off the flowers in the garden. we filled the box with the potpourri and began to skip thru both of our back yards spraying the lawns with flower dust and drawing out a faeries path behind us.

gigi's mom came outside and starting yelling at us, and told her to come into their house. i got scared and decided to climb over the picket fence that separated our yards. halfway over the fence, i slipped, and fell smack dab onto one of the spiky pickets. i was instantly transformed to flowerboy on a stick. the picket punctured my groin. i was scared more than hurt, and embarrassed because of where i was hurting. i sat on the spike for a few minutes, then gathered up the strength and the where-with-all to pull myself over.

i went directly into the house and went to bed. i hurt. i was in pain, i was afraid i was going to get into trouble for picking the flowers. i was afraid i was going to get into trouble for hurting myself. i was embarrassed because i was playing a girlie game. i was going to hear about it. i would feel "wrong" again. i just wanted to sleep.

i woke up and my mother was standing over me in bed. she asked why i was sleeping so early in the day. i can't remember what i said. i was in and out of reality then. i don't even remember getting the 20 stitches i had. i know i had big black thread running all along between my left leg and my crotch. it was ugly and it hurt and it itched.

all i knew then was that i didn't look like a flower girl/boy at all. i felt ugly and like i was being punished. this seemed a sign that something wasn't right. i kept being told that i shouldn't want to be like a flower girl, but that's not how i felt inside. i was still the same boy inside. still just doing what seems natural. i never felt that what i was doing was not right, but that i wasn't right somehow.

twinkies and milk

not much needed to say here. gus van sant gives us another offering. a re-telling of the harvey milk story, of the early days of gay rights in sf and america, and the ensuing court battle around harvey's murder by councilman dan white and his famous twinkie defense.starring sean penn and the handsome brolin boy. this is definitely a story depicting the early struggles for gay rights, and the dan white situation caused me to stop eating twinkies as well as question the equity of the judicial system. i boycotted twinkies actually, and then i realized how nutrition free they are, along with ding-dongs and ho-hos. but i loved hearing on the news about people like me fighting for what is rightfully theirs and not backing down. it empowered me.

now, of course, twinkies are kitsch and acceptable again on an entirely different level. kinda like spam, tang, nerds, and space food sticks.

i'm posting the film trailer today. for music, look to the sidebar. european pop hits posted in finetune. over 1900 songs on that playlist. you can play it for a month and hear new music....

hava happy sunday...

stand up

i am chock full of meetings today and tomorrow and then chock full of parties on thursday, friday, and saturday after work hours. sunday i head for dc to attend ryan white all titles priorities. it should be a healthy growth experience.

i will be in dc during the week of the dnc. i'm a bit regretful about this. i won't miss the extra security hassles and the crowds, but i will miss being a part of what i hope to be a historical moment in our nation's history. this is to be more than just the sending of another candidate through the machine. this will also stand up and acknowledge a part of the changes our nation has come through. i think it a proud moment for the usa.


i guess i'm feeling nostalgic with the big b'day around the corner. i hope you don't mind me sharing some of my favorites that are probably lesser known. this is a live version of this song by the housemartins that still manages me to feel hopeful.

and here is another stand up that makes me smile.....

into the light

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

- Mary Oliver

i was born into a single parent family long before it was socially commonplace or accepted, in a small farming community in central illinois. my mother was just entering her senior year in high school and my father had just joined the army a few months prior and had stopped communication with her. he never returned.

i didn't know that the situation was unusual. there wasn't a formed notion such as a deadbeat dad. the mother was blamed and chastised as was the offspring amongst the rural communities. i didn't get that he had a problem. instead i always just thought it was me that was strange and less than normal. i carry a residual of that belief with me to this day. i have, of course, accepted the situations and have learned to deal with them in a healthy way, but trust me, it took a lot of work and a lot of soul searching to find peace.

it would be great if boyz/men could get a clearer understanding of some damages that lie in the wake of their adventures.

i no longer wish that he were here, but i will never stop wondering how it would have been or what would have.... if it had happened differently.

this is from one of my favorite chill cd's. this track is a merge of bliss and riccardo eberspache. if you have never heard bliss, don't wast any more time. the sound they put out into the world seems heavenly to me.

have a beautiful sunday...

second time around

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Napoleon Hill

today, i thought i would write a simple post about recovery and another aspect to the newness of living sober. i have only a few years into this process and i am still overwhelmed at times by the simplicity of a clear head.

i wake up on a daily basis and automatically give thanks for the opportunity to go forward. truth be told, it's a miracle and a surprise that i am still alive and it has become important for me to remember and acknowledge this. i love starting my routine this way.

i am not sure how it happens, but i stride through my life, sometimes more gracefully than others, with remarkable agility. this is a sharp contrast to my former modus operandi which consisted more of taking a step and then floating thru the air for awhile till i touched down again.

i have been riddled with self doubt for as long as i can remember. this really has not begun to change, although i have a feeling it will. what has changed though, is how i deal with these feelings. i used to check out when they came around, or would imbibe a little something to take the edge off. after awhile, though, that "little" became an oxymoron. now i am learning to sit with those feelings and work through them. definitely this process has resembled rehabilitation. that's precisely what it is.

i believe that i have always generated an energy that is both attractive and inspiring. i can make people laugh from their insides. this ability has a history of being used by me to jockey for position throughout my social and work life. i'm not sure that this has changed entirely, because the "joker" still comes around automatically when somewhat stressful situations arise. but i also am learning to keep this energy and this comedian much more in check. learning subtlety in contrast with my former "over the top" personae has rewards.

i believe in second chances. i believe in giving things another try. i used to be sure i knew everything and would flee when the outside didn't match my inside. now though, i am beginning to be clear that i rarely ever understand everything the first time around.

gloria gloria

Now the sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence... someone might have escaped from their singing; but from their silence, certainly never.
Franz Kafka

this next one i absolutely fell in love with....

i found it in an unusual spot -on xtube. it got pulled from xtube for being inappropriate (that certainly makes it sweeter)! it definitely takes me back to another time entirely and yet it seems a little fresh somehow. i hope you'll agree... his name is karl allott. this is exactly what singers do.. they sing. let's have a little fun, shall we? so many gay boys in the early 80's sang these words on the dance floor of the paradise in chicago for weekends on end.

here are the lyrics. funny, i find them appropriate for any tweaker i have ever known...



and just to make it more interesting, i am posting the original version of this song, too. umberto tozzi singing it in its original language (italian).