second time around

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Napoleon Hill

today, i thought i would write a simple post about recovery and another aspect to the newness of living sober. i have only a few years into this process and i am still overwhelmed at times by the simplicity of a clear head.

i wake up on a daily basis and automatically give thanks for the opportunity to go forward. truth be told, it's a miracle and a surprise that i am still alive and it has become important for me to remember and acknowledge this. i love starting my routine this way.

i am not sure how it happens, but i stride through my life, sometimes more gracefully than others, with remarkable agility. this is a sharp contrast to my former modus operandi which consisted more of taking a step and then floating thru the air for awhile till i touched down again.

i have been riddled with self doubt for as long as i can remember. this really has not begun to change, although i have a feeling it will. what has changed though, is how i deal with these feelings. i used to check out when they came around, or would imbibe a little something to take the edge off. after awhile, though, that "little" became an oxymoron. now i am learning to sit with those feelings and work through them. definitely this process has resembled rehabilitation. that's precisely what it is.

i believe that i have always generated an energy that is both attractive and inspiring. i can make people laugh from their insides. this ability has a history of being used by me to jockey for position throughout my social and work life. i'm not sure that this has changed entirely, because the "joker" still comes around automatically when somewhat stressful situations arise. but i also am learning to keep this energy and this comedian much more in check. learning subtlety in contrast with my former "over the top" personae has rewards.

i believe in second chances. i believe in giving things another try. i used to be sure i knew everything and would flee when the outside didn't match my inside. now though, i am beginning to be clear that i rarely ever understand everything the first time around.