dig

We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How Hard We Try.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!

my holiday weekend is only half over and i am already overflowing with quiet awe. i have managed to do a good thing or two, and i spent (or should i say overspent) some money on things i have been coveting these last 6 months. this has brought me to a place of feeling pretty damn good.

i spent friday evening with my mother. we got her a blackberry and added her to my account. she will have one less monthly stipend and and have more minutes to gab with, and i really am spending no more either. we went to see julie and julia, as i had been saving that experience to have with her and she's been travelling. i am glad i did. no apologies here for digging chick flicks. i suppose it's genetic. but what was fascinating and enthralling was this presentation of yet another example (or 2) of persons following their hearts, taking chances, and finding themselves and redemption in the process. i cried, no surprises, as i love crying at films, and i didn't think that i was very cognisant of watching meryl streep "act" at all. i lost sight of the actress and was very much interested in the story. and the scenes in and around paris found me hungering for more.

now interestingly, the food, although definitely a character in the film, did not enchant me. perhaps i see enough in my paltry nights as a cater waiter on a regular basis. however the dinner parties i did find enchanting, as well as the scenes of "julie" blogging about her experiences. none-the-less, i enjoyed the film, enjoyed spending time with my mother, and remembering what it was to have passion about writing.

i am planning on shopping a bit more today. i am going to a brunch with sin. there is a guy from texas who is a mutual friend and i may try to meet him and say hello. and there is another person i would like to see. sadly, i have noticed a gland in my neck swollen and feel a runny nose, not to mention i woke up feeling like i'd gone through a thundercloud. but mega-dosing on algae should help with that somewhat. besides tomorrow i can kick back at home, putter around the house, and get well.

i also am looking to re-engage with therapy. i am a bit reticent about it no doubt, because there are a couple of issues that keep raising their ugly heads. but i don't want to leave these issues on the burner any longer. i do think they are somewhat primal, which may mean some challenges in the next few months. on my birthday, a co-worker told me that a few members of my team were feeling as if i were a "golden step-child". i was being allowed to do things that others on the team had were not allowed to do. simple enough i suppose, but it triggered something inside me that found me reacting as if i had been attacked. i am not sure if i am very sensitive to being "talked about" or if i felt that a trust had been breached. whatever it is, i am sure it was an over-reaction. this is a recurring theme in my life and i need to root it out. it causes me to let friendships and associations slip away. it causes me to leave jobs. it causes me to start a self-destruct pattern. yuk! i really don't want to dig any deeper right now.

but what are the alternatives?

today's sound choice is incubus with "dig"

candy

I would stand transfixed before the windows of the confectioners' shops, fascinated by the luminous sparkle of candied fruits, the cloudy lustre of jellies, the kaleidoscope inflorescence of acidulated fruitdrops -- red, green, orange, violet: I coveted the colours themselves as much as the pleasure they promised me."
Simone de Beauvoir

a downside

i made the very intelligent move of purchasing halloween candy 2 weeks early. now, of course, 2 days prior to all hallow's eve, all the candy has been eaten and i am without choice in purchasing more. so very typical for an addict.

an upside

but there is a bright side to all this candy nonsense. last night in my groups, i passed around a small bowl of halloween treats and the result was a highly interactive discussion from each of the 2 groups- insightful, a bit more honest, and lively as hell.

score one point for each side.

song choice : the fray - "over my head" acoustic version

support

i attended a support group this weekend. the discussion was around two questions:

1) how do you get support?

2) how do you keep yourself from receiving support?

for me- i get support by working with others. as far as stopping myself from receiving support, i think i don't allow the idea to filter in. i feel shame in asking for help. and i keep myself too busy sometimes to allow the thoughts that i might need help in.... it's a low down dirty shame that i struggle with asking for help.

i would like to ask you to weigh in on these questions.

clean time

photo credit:robert mapplethorpe

i think one of the very 1st photographers that had me stand up and take notice was robert. his photographs were so steeped in statement and the subjects- even the flowers- were some of the most sensual images i can remember. and when he started to include shots of the nyc underground leather scene, i became entranced.

anyway, i was just looking at photographs of his this morning and thought i would share my experience. he truly had a path and followed it until his end. and he made many friends and enemies on his way. but i see his life and much of his work as a testament to following one's head, heart, and gut. surely this is an imperative.

i am also coming clean about the fact that yesterday, finally after a year, i was able to get my wireless router up and running. i have just never had the patience to sit through troubleshooting, and really the fix was as easy as going online and letting the company's website do the work. i am so relieved and look forward to a lack of chords running across my floor constantly. plus, i can print documents from my laptop without being connected- yeah!

speaking of coming clean, i stumbled upon the following at a dozem steps

We’ve seen the First Step Promises, the Second Step Promises, , the Third Step Promises, and the Fourth Step Promises, now here are the Fifth Step Promises from the AA History Lovers Group at Yahoo!

1. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. (72:2)

2. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. (72:2)

3. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. (73:0)

4. We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world. (73:4)

5. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. (75:2)

6. We can look the world in the eye. (75:2)

7. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. (75:2)

8. Our fears fall from us. (75:2)

9. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. (75:2)

10. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. (75:2)

11. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. (75:2)

12. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. (75:2)

finally, all i have to say is "way to go, reba!"