The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney
it has been quite a fantastic weekend. i have teared up from sadness and teared up with laughter and i have done both of these on both of the weekend days. i love having free time and i have enjoyed being with people i love. i got quite a bit of work on the newsletter knocked out and on the website content as well. my friend has finished almost all of the elements of our 501c3, so we have made movement forward.
i have been asked to speak at an event at the capitol next month. it is called "recovery at the capitol" and is sponsored by surrounded by recovery.. i have been trying to channel some thoughts for this and i believe i have been blessed with an idea. i will probably play around with a thought or two here before it happens.
i think it's time to take a break. i have learned so much and grown so incredibly from this process. but, i feel as if my muse has taken flight. we'll hope we can return someday.... there is much to do yet in life. if this is your first visit, my experience tells me that recovery works. it is possible to change one's life. a spiritual program is the thing that worked for me. don't give up.... don't pick up.
We should show life neither as it is or as it it ought to be, but only as we see it in our dreams. Count Leo Tolstoy
i am spending time regenerating my body and my soul these days. i have begun my exercise program and restarted my nutritional supplements. i drink an antioxidant beverage twice a day. i have gone back to the gym and to my step classes. my calves- both of which i injured late last year, seem to have healed well enough and are not giving me issues.(like i really need anymore)
i have let the support that has come my way make its way into my psyche and my heart. i have received calls from very many people from different aspects of my life offering friendship and support, and i am taking it in.
and i am formulating an intention that i am going to be allright, actually better than allright. i am going to be fantastic. trust the process. work on the eight pillars. make room for success, wellness, happiness, and love.
oh, and i have a job interview today that i have been looking forward to .
Psychological theorists of dreams focus upon our thoughts and emotions, and speculate that dreams deal with immediate concerns in our lives, such as unfinished business from the day, or concerns we are incapable of handling during the course of the day. Dreams can, in fact, teach us things about ourselves that we are unaware of.
"Befriending myself seems to be about opening my heart as a homeless shelter for all the destituted and prostituted aspects of my being that I have been running from for years without even knowing that's what I have been doing." -- Dawna Markova, 'I Will Not Die an Unlived Life' --
the SIN bbq was really so much fun. there were guys that i have never met before and then many guys that i am just beginning to know. it was cold outside, but inside keith's home, the air was warm and full of welcome. i ate too much food as has become my custom, and i traded stories and giggles with almost everyone.
there was one man from colorado springs and several from the longmont/boulder area who don't usually come to the denver events. it was easy and it was smooth. a great holiday for me filled with thanks and smiles.
i love this song and i especially love this version by annie lennox. but then, i love almost everything she sings. take a listen and i hope it brings a smile to your heart. it always does mine- lyrics here
the early 80's-there was an air of "anything is possible" mixed with "leave no stone unturned" or "live every day like it's your last" i think. there was so much creative energy flowing everywhere. cultures were mixing, gays and straights, whites and people of color, skinheads and fashionistas, and agreement fields were mobile and so were lines drawn in the sand.
techno pop was making a real thrust into the heart of american culture. it was supplanting traditional hard rock on many of the airwaves and disco in many clubs. a new wave of music and culture was being heralded in. i heard orson welles declare that he didn't care for the drum machine because it didn't create a rhythm or a beat that was connected to a human spirit. that a mechanical beat had no soul.
i don't remember feeling that tho. it seemed to me that much of the music that was playing during my dance hall days was soulful. it had soul and it had smarts. at least the tracks i liked- homosapien by pete shelley, pretty in pink by psychedelic furs, add it up by violent femmes, bizarre love triangle by new order, and of course, almost anything by yaz.
we held court in dance halls. we watched parades and we attended wakes. we cheered teams and we got rained out. we witnessed theatre and we laughed and cried. we became chameleons and changed our colors to suit our backdrop. and with much going on in the outside world that held very little allure, it was always a pleasure to slink into the darkly lit arenas throbbing with bass and packed with fashion victims, storytellers, bohemians, and freedom riders. goth seemed so quaint then because it was very appropriate to dress up the idea of death and darkness.
i remember visiting my friend paul for the last time in the hospital in 1985. he was a shell of the beauty i had once known. a skeleton really. he had suffered with thrush for over a year 1/2. food hadn't tasted good to him for a long time. he wasn't able to keep what nourishment he did eat down for very long. he was tired. he was weak, he was frustrated, and he was preparing. i had tested positive about a week earlier and he knew. he was in his third bout of pneumonia but he was always happy to see me. i read to him and told him some gossip about the club and the club kids. he died later that week. thanksgiving day as a matter of fact. but the music continued and the dancing remained. as it should i dare say. and the last words he spoke to me were "you take care of yourself".
funny, i didn't even know how to do that really before i was positive. and i knew i had no clue now. but is shook my head indicating that "indeed i will".
in my world, the 80's really did herald in quite a "situation". and of course so many us were screaming "don't go" silently to many of our friends. we didn't know what this tidal wave really was washing over us and we didn't want to know. let the rhythm take me cuz i don't know if i can take much more of this.
so paul my friend- all these years later, maybe i am finally getting a clue as to how to take care of myself. it feels good to finally get it. i still miss you.
pssst- dance halls days is a series of posts. if you are interested in reading more just type "dance hall days" in the search bar at the top of this blog. and i have embedded an "alternative" dance hall days playlist in finetune in the sidebar. click it and hava listen if you like.
i think one of the very 1st photographers that had me stand up and take notice was robert. his photographs were so steeped in statement and the subjects- even the flowers- were some of the most sensual images i can remember. and when he started to include shots of the nyc underground leather scene, i became entranced.
anyway, i was just looking at photographs of his this morning and thought i would share my experience. he truly had a path and followed it until his end. and he made many friends and enemies on his way. but i see his life and much of his work as a testament to following one's head, heart, and gut. surely this is an imperative.
i am also coming clean about the fact that yesterday, finally after a year, i was able to get my wireless router up and running. i have just never had the patience to sit through troubleshooting, and really the fix was as easy as going online and letting the company's website do the work. i am so relieved and look forward to a lack of chords running across my floor constantly. plus, i can print documents from my laptop without being connected- yeah!
speaking of coming clean, i stumbled upon the following at a dozem steps
We’ve seen the First Step Promises, the Second Step Promises, , the Third Step Promises, and the Fourth Step Promises, now here are the Fifth Step Promises from the AA History Lovers Group at Yahoo!
1. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. (72:2)
2. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. (72:2)
3. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. (73:0)
4. We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world. (73:4)
5. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. (75:2)
6. We can look the world in the eye. (75:2)
7. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. (75:2)
8. Our fears fall from us. (75:2)
9. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. (75:2)
10. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. (75:2)
11. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. (75:2)
12. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. (75:2)
mondays are my day off. tuesday - this tuesday begins the last week of this era at the mile high meth project. it has been quite a ride. i am not clear of the next step, but i am finding a peace in knowing this ride is coming to a close. i have learned so much and connected with so many. and connected with so much inside myself, too. probably the most pleasant surprise is SIN. the guys i have met(some pictured above) have really opened my eyes and my heart to the amount of love i have to give.
i went into this substance abuse treatment endeavor with clear and whole intentions. the true test of my character, i suppose, is the quality of my intentions upon disembarking. can i remain true to my program and to my beliefs, amid all the distinctly opposite intentions that have been encountered?
sometimes a song will sum much of it up. and yes i suppose it is appropriate that the film soundtrack this is best known is "cruel intentions". i like this live version with richard ashcroft and coldplay. cruel intentions or not, this doesn't have to be the end of my story. hopefully, just a sharp contrast..
The Verve
Bittersweet Symphony Lyrics
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life Trying to make ends meet You're a slave to money then you die I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah
No change, I can't change I can't change, I can't change But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind But I'm a million different people from one day to the next I can't change my mind No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)
Well I never pray But tonight I'm on my knees yeah I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change I can't change, I can't change But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind And I'm a million different people from one day to the next I can't change my mind No, no, no, no, no, no, no I can't change I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life Trying to make ends meet Trying to find some money then you die I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change I can't change, I can't change But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind And I'm a million different people from one day to the next I can't change my mind No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mind no, no, no, no, no, I can't change Can't change my body, no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down Been down Ever been down Ever been down Ever been down Ever been down That you've ever been down That you've ever been down
