Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.
Melody Beattie
i had breakfast yesterday morning with a friend and it was sad and sweet. i realized that we have grown apart. he hasn't done anything that i can think of to ignite this change of heart for me, but i just don't feel close any longer. and that is okay.
i know that i felt defensive a bit, which is all me. he asked me about meetings and perhaps that is what i am defensive about. i am not going to meetings right now. i don't pursue them nor feel comfortable in them. this is contrasted by a post by a dear friend marc. i am in a lot of different meetings regularly, and i struggle with downtime for myself. i also much prefer sharing with my psychiatrist and in this blog than in a 12 step meeting right now. most of this is a residual of the march madness i experienced in my life. my trust issues reared their ugly heads and i am working at putting them to rest. i don't feel safe right now around everyone, and i truly believe it is better to honor my feelings than to give in to peer pressure about what i "ought" be doing or how i "should be feeling". i've had plenty of both of those around my recent experiences. i am going to therapy and i am finding my solution there currently. again, i am working on feeling my feelings, not putting them aside. i did that for decades and it evolved into addiction.
my life is greeting yet another change. the movements made by the intention to form an organization signal this change probably in many ways. i received a call from a member of the community who seems to just want to be supportive. i don't normally get calls like this. we'll see, but i am going to expect the best (as best i can).
am i coming across as a bit emotional today? i hope so. i saw this friend today, and i sadly realized i am letting go. i then got a call from a stranger offering to help and understand. whether my head is turning, or i'm swimming in ego, or following my heart remains to be seen. my intentions with the old friend are peppered with mistrust which is supported by history. so i need to let go and wish the best for him. and i have to look toward the next right action.
today is the hike in rocky mountain national park. i am blessed today that i take part in activities like these. i have lived in colorado for almost 20 years and spent most of that time in a bar somewhere else in the world. and all that time, i have been at heaven's back door.
