virtual insanity

Edward de Bono:
Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.

halt! stop what i'm doing and check my hard drive.... what the hell?!?! of course in recovery world, the world halt is a warning sign that is an acronym:

hungry
angry
lonely
tired...
that's the meaning for halt. and those descriptors are not a good place for me to be. they signal that i am not grounded and not using good judgement. yet they accurately describe where i find myself right now.

i chatted with a good friend of mine on the phone late last night(thank you t) and found out that i need to do some work. i realize that i have a couple of expectations for some things that are on drawing board right now, and that mere fact is causing me undue pressure. i think i have convinced myself that if i don't get a certain something, then i will have failed. and that i won't get that certain something because i don't deserve it. this is hardly a healthy outlook. if i don't get something, i will still have worth. i have worth without these things. i can be happy without these things. eeee gaaaaad ... how did i find myself here???? i don't even remember following a rabbit down a hole....

expectation, that's how. i have fallen into a trap and i need to stop fighting and let go.
(but i like the drama)
i would rather choose peace
(then i would win)
it's not about winning
(but i want to win)
and then what happens?
this whole process starts over again.

And I'm thinking what a mess we're in
Hard to know where to begin
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
And now every mother, can choose the colour
Of her child
That's not nature's way
Well that's what they said yesterday
There's nothing left to do but pray
I think it's time I found a new religion
Waoh - it's so insane
To synthesize another strain
There's something in these
Futures that we have to be told.

sound (2nd) choice today..... jamiroquoi doing "virtual insanity"

heaven's door

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.

Melody Beattie

i had breakfast yesterday morning with a friend and it was sad and sweet. i realized that we have grown apart. he hasn't done anything that i can think of to ignite this change of heart for me, but i just don't feel close any longer. and that is okay.

i know that i felt defensive a bit, which is all me. he asked me about meetings and perhaps that is what i am defensive about. i am not going to meetings right now. i don't pursue them nor feel comfortable in them. this is contrasted by a post by a dear friend marc. i am in a lot of different meetings regularly, and i struggle with downtime for myself. i also much prefer sharing with my psychiatrist and in this blog than in a 12 step meeting right now. most of this is a residual of the march madness i experienced in my life. my trust issues reared their ugly heads and i am working at putting them to rest. i don't feel safe right now around everyone, and i truly believe it is better to honor my feelings than to give in to peer pressure about what i "ought" be doing or how i "should be feeling". i've had plenty of both of those around my recent experiences. i am going to therapy and i am finding my solution there currently. again, i am working on feeling my feelings, not putting them aside. i did that for decades and it evolved into addiction.

my life is greeting yet another change. the movements made by the intention to form an organization signal this change probably in many ways. i received a call from a member of the community who seems to just want to be supportive. i don't normally get calls like this. we'll see, but i am going to expect the best (as best i can).

am i coming across as a bit emotional today? i hope so. i saw this friend today, and i sadly realized i am letting go. i then got a call from a stranger offering to help and understand. whether my head is turning, or i'm swimming in ego, or following my heart remains to be seen. my intentions with the old friend are peppered with mistrust which is supported by history. so i need to let go and wish the best for him. and i have to look toward the next right action.

today is the hike in rocky mountain national park. i am blessed today that i take part in activities like these. i have lived in colorado for almost 20 years and spent most of that time in a bar somewhere else in the world. and all that time, i have been at heaven's back door.