if i survive

Later, I realized that the mission had to end in a let-down because the real barrier wasn't in the sky but in our knowledge and experience of supersonic flight.
Chuck Yeager

change is definitely upon me. i can almost feel myself peeling and shedding. i embark on a new journey tomorrow and there is excitement definitely mixed with anxiety. right now it feels as if i am shedding my thick skin outer layer. i will begin working for a large organization. i have entered this type of endeavor only one time previously and it was a double edged sword, and no doubt it will be much the same. a whole new set of challenges around assimilation along with the rewards of consistency.

many things that are happening in the rest of my world seem to really cut more than just sting. and i have been struggling to not take things personally and to keep a focus forward.

i have been overwhelmed with the process of creating ten. the mere specifics of 2 persons making all the decisions has found me in discord over some key issues. mediation was brought in, but didn't seem to have an effect, as i am realizing people do just as they want whether there are agreements or not. and the most chilling aspect to this is that i am, indeed, the very same. pisser though, as i would really like to be angry and be a victim here. this leaves me not really knowing how to feel- so i find myself wading in frustration. but make no mistake, i don't feel hopeless. i just cannot pretend to feel inspired, either.

the other evening, at a meeting, a colleague i haven't spoken to in months, basically snubbed me. the last time we spoke, she said she was going to try to get me a job with the organization where she worked(working with incarcerated persons with hiv). fast forward to last thursday where she can't give me the time of day. very puzzling. part of me says- "don't make this about you" as it is really about her.. much easier said than done on my part. could she be angry with me because i didn't wait for her to get me a job? seems ludicrous, but i am still going to be a colleague and i wonder if this temperature change is permanent.

but this is my final day before take-off. no doubt i am restless. i can almost taste the change. i am hoping in some ways this direction will resemble breaking the sound barrier, or at least some barriers. for more than just me.

today's sound choice is one of my very favorite electronic orchestras- hybrid. the name of this track is "if i survive" featuring julie cruise. i encourage you to give hybrid a listen if you haven't before. often there is a symphonic quality that gives me goose bumps and makes my heart smile.

the killing moon

Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it though I know it must be
The killing time
Unwillingly mine

it's so strange how this life works. i was feeling a bit strange last friday as i received a message that a job i had discussed seemed to be coming closer to reality. then yesterday, i received another message that stated the opposite. the funding had receded and there were more delays.

in all honesty, i am disappointed. but not that much really. i had been a little concerned because we are bringing this peer mentoring training to town at the end of march and i am already unclear about getting the time off. plus, i have become very accustomed to going where i want when i want and a more full time desk job would certainly cut into that freedom.

i hadn't made a decision either way, whether i felt comfortable with the prospect of this job or whether it would cramp my style and cause me regret. but no matter today, because the universe has relieved me of an immediate need for that dialogue. could this delay be more than chance? is it possible there is a better time for all this to harmonically converge? time will show me, no doubt.

today's sound choice is vintage 80's angst... but in a cover version. here is the killing moon by nouvelle vague.

joy

reactions from around the world (on election night 2008)

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.
Oprah Winfrey

someone i have come to know as a colleague in hiv work approached me yesterday with a query about a job offer. it would be connected with substance abuse at an hiv clinic. it also would include a decent salary, healthy benefits including retirement and health care. i was instantly humbled. there are two caveats i see in this. the first and most obvious was the big emotional hug and nod i received from this person. i received a validation that was completely unsolicited and was also heartfelt. i was told that the small organization loved working with me, and loved my approach to my work (i'm tearing up a bit as i type here). gosh, this feels good- whether or not the position comes through.

the other possible gift is that i could do participate in working with a mental health professional around treating substance abuse and mental health issues in accord. this particular item is of immense interest to me. in colorado, the fields mental health and substance abuse are treated separately. a person goes one place to deal with one and another to address the other. however, figures show that more than 50 percent of people with a mental health issue have substance abuse issues as well. additionally, it is shown that over 1/2 of people with substance abuse issues have active mental health issues too.

it has always confounded me that there aren't more processes geared toward and designed around this very large number of dually diagnosed. anyway, a good day for me. i am posting a set of pics sent to me called reactions from around the world. it has been a full week since these were taken. but the feelings from that night still glow inside.