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Sunday, December 6, 2009

a girl in trouble is a temporary thing

There’s a time when every girl learns, to use her head

Tears will be saved till they’re better spent

There’s no time for her to be afraid

So instead, she takes care of business

Keeps a cool head

A girl in trouble is a temporary thing

it's been a week. quite a few seemingly unconnected, but maybe that needs a closer look. i was back at work after needed time away. i am working at adjusting to the travelling i am doing. it's not the distance, it's just the different clinics. much of the duties are the same, but i am on the go 5 days a week. only 1 day do i work in 1 place for 8 hours. i find it tough to remember whether i have papers with me or if i left them on my desk.

that' being said, i am not really complaining. i like the variiety. i like it very much. it does however have its challenges. friday i was reminded that my position is grant funded and with the state of the economy and colorado and federal budgets, there are no guarantees that the final year of the grant will be renewed. i may be looking for work again in april. i suppose this has caused me a bit of stress this weekend. and i know i blubber a lot about trusting the process, which is what i am doing. part of that trust is allowing myself to write a little through this. to think about starting a new gig gives me a bit of the willies. i feel i am just getting started with some of the work i am peripherally doing. maybe i see it as more important than the system does. wouldn't be the 1st time

the not-for-profit had a board meeting yesterday and i became confused. one of the members who is the treasurer announced that they wanted the title of executive director. since we have very little funding currently i didn't see a problem. but thinking about it for a moment, i just asked if there might be a perceived impropriety at all- the treasurer also being the executive director. iow, someone making the daily decisions also having free access to any funds. besides, at the formation of this group, that person indicated that they were tired, and all they wanted was to have a way to get funding for their programs. and then in the same sentence, they announced that if things didn't change in 2010, that it may be their last year to run those programs. one wonders how to decipher these verbal cave markings.

strength in numbers, has shifted quite a bit this month. the founder has pulled away from group on a national level. he has let the website go, but i have inherited the yahoo group. i have been organizing monthly brunch and some holiday parties for two years, but it doesn't seem to really be igniting under my leadership. i have no idea as to how to proceed. i am shifting the newsletter's focus from sin to  ten (treatment education network), because it would seem very few people connected with sin are engaged with it. i am sure they read it, but i don't get the feeling that they are interested in participating. and it could be that they are not interested in participating with me- or someone in recovery who is not partying. either way, it makes no sense to continue a publication representing an illusion. i have set my  sites on developing a statwide poz informational and educational newsletter for colorado. there may even come a time that regional would be a good fit... i.e. new mexico, wyoming, etc..

wow, there seems to be a lotta crap in my head. truthfully though, i am pretty optimistic about it all underneath. each day i work on not "becoming" the things i am working on. or maybe i am realizing that the work i am doing will continue with or without apecific entities or organiztions. i can love working with them, but must also understand that nothing really lasts forever. no doubt there are many questions in all this for me to look at.. am i difficult to get along with? do i not collaborate well? am i the problem?

and i do try to look at these questions. i know that the work i am doing was stalled before i came along. so the fact that it hasn't moved much or is stalled again is not completely about me. and i could find ways to judge and criticize myself in all this, but i can't live like that anymore. it's way too draining and too toxic. whatever emotion and knee jerk response i have to these situations needs to be taken with a grain of salt and with a thoughtful eye.

happy sunday. i am headed to brunch with strength in numbers and then maybe the new robert de niro film this afternoon. it is snowing and i must shovel the walks this morning before i go. oh, and a pipe may have frozen during the big freeze a couple of nights ago. it's working again, but we are going to insulate the all the piples and look for any damage. i guess it's a full day..

of course you know i chose today's post title so i could use the romeovoid song of the same name as today's sound choice. sometimes i'm so entrenched in the 80's it may seem tragic. but that was my camelot. anyway, here is an extended version of "a girl in trouble is a temporary thing". i've listened to it a few times this morning and fallen in love all over again... happy sunday



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