i changed my mind

that's me attending the ballet circa 1995...

‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’

— Henri Bergson

certainly at one point in my life i wanted to be a dancer. i don't know that i had really thought about what that meant, nor had i really experienced what it would be like to go to rehearsals all the time, deal with pain in my feet, my back, my legs, and my ass. i never really considered that i would probably have to fall quite a lot before i got the jumps high enough or the turns to be fast enough or crisp enough.

i never gave it a thought that i would probably have to get paid very little unless i made it to a certain level of my career, or that there would be hundreds of others vying for the same spot.

no, i just knew that to be a dancer was to say "yes" to something very cosmic and it would probably take me to a higher level of consciousness because i would be trysting with the muses.

and my humdrum life really wanted a shot in the arm.

that was when i was 18 or so. my career life has morphed several times since then. i played house in an after hours club for several years. i was a performance artist(waiter) in numerous restaurants, doing shows nightly, and making a decent hourly wage. i came up through the ranks at a travel agency to become a managing partner after 12 years. this allowed me the distinct pleasure of having hangovers and blackouts on almost all the continents of the globe. and i became a butler/cater waiter to private chefs, because the money is quite good and i like food. i guess i have the ability to keep the chefs calm, too, 'cuz they seem to like to have me around.

but i now think that i have been working with other addicts and people in and not quite in recovery and i might have found a "calling" for now. there is a bit of the teacher that gets to appear when i do this work. and some will tell you that i have a gift of gab. i also think i have a unique quality of being able to see through a situation, meaning to discern what may be going on behind the scenes. often i can sniff out motive and hidden agendas. and most certainly, i have years of experience with self-delusion and masquerading feelings. and self-medication of many kinds has peppered (and many times deflated) my aspirations.

anyway, just thought i'd share a bit of my worklife journey. i think i am preparing to construct a new resume and i am looking to approach it much differently than the last one i created. i think my social activities, and my life experiences have added as much if not more to the qualities i can bring to any position as my work experience does alone.

i think a part of me still yearns to be a more creative being. no doubt i think that "dancing" with a muse wields some sort of power that i seem to not possess. but truth be told, unlike before, i believe i am on a good path and that whatever this journey is to teach me is unfolding in its own time and for my benefit.

maybe this is a chat with a muse....