blindfold

i was thinking about the common practice i have of putting a blindfold on with regard to certain aspects of situations that enables me not to look at them or deal with them. i have gained quite a bit of lbs this last 9 months or so, i have meant to do something about it, and yet i do nothing. every day as i try to squeeze myself into my spongebob pants, i am mortified for a brief space in time, but then i let it go.

and beneath all this, there is no doubt in my mimd that this shapeshifting is connected to internal upheaval that i am covering up. turning a blind eye. putting on a blindfold. i have become used to living in the dark. so much easier to sweep whatever mess under the rug.

today, i am hoping to put a dent in this shield i have developed. even better would be a crack.

breaking free would be a gift from the gods.



today's sound choice is morcheeba with "blindfold"

one step at a time

"The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe." Alcoholics Anonymous

i have gained about 20 lbs over the last 4 or 5 months. i have become somewhat tired and lethargic, and i don't have the enthusiasm or the energy i recently did. i don't know if i have been depressed, or if there is something physically that has changed.

i went on a drug study in april, which may have had something to do with my mood shift. some of these pharma are quite strong and sometimes toxic. i had that whole emotional upheaval happen in march thru may, and that may have something to do with my mood shifts. it could be something as simple as depression. i stopped going to the gym in may, and i cannot even remember why. i know that most of the weight has piled on since then.

my clothes don't fit, i had to get new trousers. my stomach is hanging over my waistline like a muffin top. i am having a difficult time even looking at myself in the mirror.

so i decided it was time to get my ass back in the gym. today was day 2. i am simply taking a cardio class right now. but it feels good. i can't seem to do what i could do last year at this time, but i am doing what i can. it feels great to sweat. and if this doesn't create some change, i guess i'll try something else.