too late?

he is 29, very handsome, and very much a party boy. he is sitting down by himself and waiting. when i walked up to him and asked him how he is doing, he directly said he is tired and sick of waiting around. he felt like he had been there a long time and was done. but i knew he is trying to hide the fact that he is crying. only minutes ago he had just had his emotional "protective door" busted in.

she told him he is dying. that if he didn't get down from the fence he had perched on for too long,  he is going to miss his opportunity. he had been spending so much time partying and in denial, thinking about everything else but his health, that this very body was taking the heat now. he has a serious case of thrush that has been going on for some time, he has also contracted cmv and it is causing a loss of vision in his left eye. but maybe the worst of all is the huge kaposi's lesion on his scalp. open, tender, and the color of dried blood. and who knows what else is bubbling under the surface.

 i cried while i drove away today, remembering that my own story could have taken the same turn. by the grace of something, it did not. but it's not something one can just let ride forever. there are consequences. it's not necessarily a joke, nor is it always safe. even if you are under 30. if you're hiv positive, it only makes sense to establish a relationship with a doctor. make the time and make a friend. you're life may just depend on it.

just another day

i met her several years ago. she had gotten some charges (probably distribution) and she presented in complete denial that she had done anything wrong. she consistently claims uninvolvement in anything illegal having to do with meth. her usual story is that the police charges have no merit. she was just in the vicinity, but not attached to any criminal or drug activity. the latest one is that she was standing beside a car that had drugs undernneath it, but she had absolutely no connection. this is typically the same. a most unusual piece of her story remains her weight, as she is obese- a highly unusual attribute for someone who does meth at almost every opportunity.

she did go to serve some time in jail for a legal charge, and she came out 7 or 8 months later declaring a new love for the bible which she claimed to be reading every day. she remained homeless, sort of couch surfing between her childs home and she and her co-horts van. many times i would see her, she would appear kind of gritty, as if she worked as a chimney sweep. she would be coherent on some occasions and completely unbalanced and wired on others. all the while completely denying any relationship with meth at all.

her stance has not shifted much in the years that i have known her. she falls in and out of touch with me depending upon her need. she usually comes around when she is having difficulty with the law and thinks i might be able to help her get out of some trouble.

she has appeared recently again and has not changed much of her banter. there is little chance of change until she feels it necessary. i have already been telling her the truth as i see it for several years now. she doesn't make any changes, but she occasionally acknowledges there may be another truth.

for now this is as good as it gets...

today's sound choice is daniel merriweather with "change"

gay men's health crisis

the sound of silence

silence = death

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

i think probably the biggest enabler in the hiv/aids saga in the world is also the most quiet. it's the one we talk about the least yet it's the biggest danger of them all. it's denial.

what i don't know won't hurt me. if i don't think about it, it will go away. don't talk about that around me. don't ask, don't tell.

these are not criminal acts from the outside looking in. at least that's what they say. if i don't know, then i can't be held accountable, right? ignorance is bliss. see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. all of these cliches have been around for a long time. that is probably because human nature doesn't change much.

the best defense is a good offense. what we can do as citizens of the world is participate in the discussions of the issues and the search for a solution. if we expect someone else to do it, we may get something different than we bargain for. the more we don't speak about aids, the more distant the solution becomes. the less we demand answers for our fellow citizens around the globe who cannot speak as loudly as we can, the longer their suffering and fear continues.

i spent about 12 years living in denial. i was too frightened to even look at taking care of myself. i think i saw a doctor twice in that 12 years. i didn't want sympathy and i never spoke of it to many people. and when i did speak of hiv, it was haphazardly and i brushed it off. meanwhile, it ate at me inside.

today, i have a different tactic.

i speak.. i write... i acknowledge... i listen.....

.......hopefully........

lead.... empower..... deliver.



today's very obvious sound choice is the sound of silence by simon and garfunkel

more my style is "silence" on tiesto's delerium cd featuring sarah mclachlan

nocturne

image credit: kris pito

A nocturne (from the French for "nocturnal") is usually a musical composition that is inspired by, or evocative of, the night. Historically, Nocturn is a very old term applied to night Offices and, since the Middle Ages, to divisions in the canonical hour of Matins.

for the rest of wikipedia definition, click here

i serve on a committee for persons living with hiv. one of the things that has bothered me since i really began this gig is finding out that 1/2 of the persons diagnosed with hiv are currently not in medical care. they haven't been to a doctor in more than a year.

i know this is not something i can control. and i know that when i tested positive in 1986 i did the very same thing. i pretty much stayed away from doctors for about 10 years. but, i also know those days were different. politically, it was not a sure bet that i would be safe in "reagan years" and there wasn't much docs would be able to tell me anyway (except to take azt-which was killing the people around me faster than the virus).

but today, things seem different. medical advances have been made in treatment, in understanding, and in acceptance. knowing that there is a some treatment available is a long way from knowing there is nothing to be done.

i am still trying to discern a way to reduce the percentage of persons not in care. or at least put a dent in it. i am not interested in making the pharma companies more money, i am interested in reducing the amount of stress, worry, and anxiety that come with denial. and i am interested in reducing the overall stigma of hiv, too.

today is just a little rant. i am sure i'll get on this soapbox again. i just feel i kind of owe it to the people who have gone before me with hiv, as well as the people who will come after me with hiv, to ask questions and put love and work towards their answers.