don't panic

image credit: elfwood

i wear extended-wear lenses and the night before last i woke with severe pain in my left eye. i had once again scratched my cornea. i protracted the lens and tried to go back to sleep. i slept some more, but it wasn't sound sleep.

yesterday at work, i found myself irritable with many things. the manner in which phone calls get transferred to my voicemail has been changed, so the phone rings while i'm in session with clients. i usually 4-8 calls transferred every 1/2 hour and each of those calls rings 4 times before voicemail picks up. i thought my head would explode.


one of my co-workers left the company last friday and so the other counselors, etc.. are picking up the slack. that means i am picking up slack as well. i have less then 10 percent the free time i normally enjoy to collect my thoughts, make phone calls, do individual session notes, return emails.

i have a couple of crises that have been presented to me and i am honestly trying to muddle through them with grace and love. but the above pressures are creating a sense of urgency inside me and causing me to second guess my actions. and i am finding it difficult to pause.

.........

.........

AHHHH - that's a little better....

SIN Colorado is having a UB2 happy hour 2nite and then i am going w/ some of the guys to see a local production of "Jeffrey". maybe my life doesn't completely suck today.

thank goodness i have had the privilege of working the steps. it allows me the grace to remember "this too shall pass" and affords me the luxury of relying more heavily on my faith at these times. but really owning that behavior is a process and i am discovering that blogging is part of that process for me.

thank you for allowing me the space to remember grace.

nocturne

image credit: kris pito

A nocturne (from the French for "nocturnal") is usually a musical composition that is inspired by, or evocative of, the night. Historically, Nocturn is a very old term applied to night Offices and, since the Middle Ages, to divisions in the canonical hour of Matins.

for the rest of wikipedia definition, click here

i serve on a committee for persons living with hiv. one of the things that has bothered me since i really began this gig is finding out that 1/2 of the persons diagnosed with hiv are currently not in medical care. they haven't been to a doctor in more than a year.

i know this is not something i can control. and i know that when i tested positive in 1986 i did the very same thing. i pretty much stayed away from doctors for about 10 years. but, i also know those days were different. politically, it was not a sure bet that i would be safe in "reagan years" and there wasn't much docs would be able to tell me anyway (except to take azt-which was killing the people around me faster than the virus).

but today, things seem different. medical advances have been made in treatment, in understanding, and in acceptance. knowing that there is a some treatment available is a long way from knowing there is nothing to be done.

i am still trying to discern a way to reduce the percentage of persons not in care. or at least put a dent in it. i am not interested in making the pharma companies more money, i am interested in reducing the amount of stress, worry, and anxiety that come with denial. and i am interested in reducing the overall stigma of hiv, too.

today is just a little rant. i am sure i'll get on this soapbox again. i just feel i kind of owe it to the people who have gone before me with hiv, as well as the people who will come after me with hiv, to ask questions and put love and work towards their answers.