morning glory

tonight i am home enjoying the remnants of some pasta w/sausage and goat cheese and thinking about my day. i am feeling a stirring to post and so i am in front of the keyboard and tap-tap-tapping away. i have a smile on my face tonight because i noticed a light go on behind an addicts eyes tonight. i am not sure when it happened exactly or what triggered it, but i am very definitely sure it is on. this makes my heart smile from the inside and the outside. this is why i do the work i do.

this morning:

working with addicts, just as so many other vocations, can seem frustrating, sometimes hopeless, and has its own distinct set of challenges. it certainly takes many people what seems an extreme amount of time to even understand what kind of change is involved in the ceasing or slowing down of drug use. and then if they do stop using, rarely is much changed in their hearts, minds, and lives unless they do some other work, because the circumstances that led them to overindulging are usually still there.

and it takes awhile for that to be processed and understood. it takes patience and determination to make it through these periods. it also takes desire and some willingness usually in the form of motivation. my experience is showing me that the motivation can start on the outside, such as the intervention from the law, etc, but that it must eventually move to internal motivation if it is to actually "stick".

so, i am back to the initial reason for my post today. i have had the sincere pleasure to witness a change begin in someone i am working with. it reminds me of watching a colt or a calf walking for the first time, or watching a morning glory open just past the break of day. it's spectacular. it's phenomenal. it's a signal that there is new life. and it's definitely a reminder to me that i am not in charge and that life still holds surprises.

it also signals to me this: whatever the reason i have landed in this position at this time, it is where i should be. i am humbled by the grace this offers me and more determined to stay open to my own process.

if you are reading this, and you are thinking about change in your life, let me take the opportunity to share this thought: change is possible, change is probable, and change is even inevitable. when we change our actions, and keep our hearts and minds open, they will follow, and our situations and our lives are not far behind. find someone who has experience with positive change in their lives, just as you want for yours, and ask them to help guide you. it is something you will never regret.

i also went outside this morning (4am) and got a great view of the lunar eclipse. i wonder what spiritual significance that holds.

do ask, do tell

i am trying to actually compost all the thoughts and feelings i have about living as a gay poz man in denver. my life is not at all complicated. i am supported in almost every way. except for one way. i don't have the opportunity to see myself in others very openly. i work in a clinical setting now and before that i worked in an hiv support job, so i have been consistently been out in every sense of the word with absolutely no repercussions.

i had brunch with a group of poz men yesterday and was introduced to another experience there. someone said to the group that they preferred not to disclose their status because they could lose their job. and then another person mirrored that and said that they were employed by the school system and would also be in danger of losing their employment. i don't know why i find this so surprising, but i most certainly do.

i am not going to go to the place where i feel guilty because i don't have to hide. no, but i really cannot even fathom what that is like anymore. and i certainly can't believe that this is acceptable. but if i really think about it, it probably is more the norm here than a fluke. and this really disturbs me. how is it okay that a poz gay man in 2007 has to be concerned about acceptance of his infection (or his being for that matter) in this civilized society? does it make someone uncomfortable somehow? try living with the virus and the medication regimen for a while. that's something to deal with. but thinking about someone else is problematic? it can cause the loss of employment? are children at risk in a school environment? or are they more at risk of becoming bigots?

i also know that it is really not commonplace for people meeting in public places to discuss hiv status. it is just not part of the conversations i have, or that i hear around. this is disturbing also because when i was a bit more involved with the "going out" scene, i was never asked by a potential hookup either. i think it is either taboo or it is off the radar. this is so foreign to me and i don't understand at all. is it not okay for the people who are poz to discuss it? if you don't ask some one's status, how will you know? do you expect them to tell you? if it's not discussed, do you assume they are negative? do you assume everyone is positive? does it make the negative guys uncomfortable? do they not care about hiv or the guys who deal with it? isn't it a negative guy's responsibility to try to remain hiv negative? do they consider it someone else's problem? i would love some insight into this. why would i want to find out if i was positive if it meant i couldn't talk about it? i mean, is this a deterrent to getting into treatment? do people know they are less likely to get infected with a person in treatment than with a poz guy who doesn't know or who isn't on meds? it seems there is actually logic in having ignorance about ones' health. this seems insane to me, but it's understandable.

one of our next tasks is to hold a social event for positives in denver. the plan is to have a dance and some installations that promote the idea that it's hip to know your hiv status and to talk about it. and also that being positive doesn't affect a person's ability to contribute to the community in a healthy way. i have tossed around the idea of having a costume party with a military uniform theme. then the tag line could be "do ask, do tell". masks might be given out and then at a certain time, symbolically people will be asked to unmask.

if you are reading this from another city, you may not understand that being in the closet about hiv is a norm in this town. but it seems it may be. what if we hold a dance and no one comes? what if people are too intimidated to participate? then our work is really cut out for us. this event has been okayed and we have a budget. we just have to find the inspiration and the help to make it happen. and what if no one wants it? can that be? can i say a little prayer on this? if this is the home of the brave, just who are the brave? .......do ask..... do tell.....