i am expressing something personal today. i certainly hope you will bear with me.
god does not create junk.
my sponsor has been having me write this as well as say this repeatedly since we started working together. and now i realize that he has helped me develop an amazing coping mechanism for my life. this is important because that phrase addresses the perspective i find myself returning to with regularity. in my life, i have become so accustomed to believing that i am without worth, or that someone is going to take advantage of me, that even in sobriety i find myself returning to that pattern. i am not sure if it because of the trauma i lived through growing up,( repeated sexual abuse followed by ridicule and shame from many of the male peers in my life), or because i am missing some main ingredient that is handed out when creation happens. i would imagine the former has something to do with my own brand of insanity.
dennis cooper wrote a book titled "the tenderness of the wolves" and i think that accurately applies to me at times. i am vicious to myself, almost to the point of chewing my own foot to free myself from a trap. this is because i have been trapped and i have memories of and recoil into this only too vividly on occasions when it is not necessarily appropriate or beneficial. but there's memory of fear and so i react to it. and then i bite, and scratch, and tear at myself with these junk thoughts almost savagely at times. i think the clinical term is post-traumatic stress disorder. i call it hell.
this is one reason why i am required to reiterate often, that god does not create junk and that whatever shortcomings i may perceive myself to possess do indeed have a purpose and a meaning in the scheme of my life. and no matter how much i try to seperate myself from the rest of the world because of these shortcomings or differences, i am not seperate. i am included. i am needed. i am required. i belong.
those thoughts are not my first line of thought about my life, however. and first and foremost, i needed to stop self-medicating through these "junk" feelings as i had been doing most of my adult life. that is why i needed the 12 steps and a program to help me navigate my heart, mind, and soul. i don't think i would have gotten to a higher source of power without them.
12 step may have some relief for you, too, even though your situation may not be so dramatic. (any readers who doubt it- i can identify-i never thought it could or would help me. but help me it has.) i do not have to stay stuck in those thoughts i have about myself anymore. this is one of the greatest gifts i have known. and i have hope that there is a break in this cycle. and i have hope that something wonderful will happen. i am shaking loose this secret sadness.
and here is laymen's interpretation of those steps.
1) Drugs/Alcohol will kill me.
2) There's a power that wants me to live.
3) Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4) Write about how I got to where I am.
5) tell another person all about me. (let God listen)
6) Want to change
7) Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8) Write down who I've hurt.
9) Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10)Accept that I'm human and will screw up. fix it immediately.
11)Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12)Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.
i felt like a change with my posts today (obviously, i hope)
i am a huge fan of kathleen battle's voice, so i thought i'd share a bit today. and just to be sure, inside of me is sometimes like a house of flying daggers.
There was a field in my old town
Where we always played hand in hand
The wind was gently touching the grass
We were so young, so fearless
Then I dreamt o'er and over
Of you holding me tight under the stars
I made a promise to my dear lord
I will love you forever
Time has passed
So much has changed
But the field remains in my heart
Oh, where are you?
I need to tell you I still love you
So I reach out for you
You fly around me like a butterfly
Your voice still echoes in my heart
You are my true love
There was a field in my old town
Where in spring all flowers blossomed wide
We were chasing butterflies
Hand in hand 'til close of day
Your voice still echoes in my heart
9 comments:
Judging from the passion and determination in your writing, I am quite sure you will survive this low point in your life. You have what it takes to make it, man. Don't ever stop believing you can. :-)
thank you for the kind words. i'm not sure this is actually a low point, tho. i am in touch with some feelings and some patterns that used to rule my universe. and i am blessed with an opportunity to change and do something different. heavy? probably. low? no. and i still love your blog, bro. it's such a world you've created.
That's something I used to hear at meetings a lot that I don't anymore... Thanks. And I see that someone is coming up on an anniversary, eh? The good news is that the "pre-birthday jitters" don't happen every year. My key meditation of late, however, has been on being wary of degradation (cutting back on meetings, etc) that can occur so insiduously.
Keep that attitude of gratitude well fed ...and it could even help someone else!
Hey, buddy--you really do have a place, because no other blogger says so much that hits me. Though you are so unique, I, too, share in addiction and memories of past abuse. Reading you makes me think and feel from an outside voice--yours.
You said this: i needed to stop self-medicating through these "junk" feelings.
This is the 1st time I've ever considered this. I must, now.
"I am not sure if it because of the trauma I lived through growing up."
I think you know the answer to that Rod.
The Twelve Steps are great but sometimes some of us need more, like me. I don't know whether you have tried therapy particularly psychotherapy but I highly recommend it. NA has kept me clean this far but the therapy has given me far more growth.
The change for me is a cognitive understanding. For me, that requires specialised help.
My thoughts are with you my friend.
i'm touched and a bit overwhelmed by the sincerity of the ocmments. i have begun this new cycle of living for myself a couple of years ago, and am only now really getting some perspective and objectivity about what's actually happening on the inside. prior to this, i was just reacting. and my feelings were dictating my reactions. pretty sure this is how i got stuck in addictive behavior in the first place. today i have choices in reactions. this is a luxury and a joy. difficult still, but a joy nonetheless.
Thanks for the breakdown of the steps. I am sending a friend over who needs to read you--I think he will "hear" this post in a way that will be profoundly helpful to him. Especially the God does not create junk part. Damn right she doesn't.
Sometimes the enemy is simply fatigue. Good words. I'm feeling a little more centered now.
I think you must have misplaced your strength, because I just found it. Thanks.
i'm smiling from my heart right now.
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