simple and sage

i have heard many, many bits of advice along my journey of getting clean. but the most widely offered had to do with not getting involved in a personal or sexual relationship for at least the first year. i heard it on numerous occasions. when i heard it, it all sounded logical and i thought it wasn't a big deal, cuz i felt like persona-non-grata anyway.

i never banked on getting hit on in a 12step room. i never would have believed that if it indeed happened, he would be someone i had a history with. and i never in a million years would have predicted that he (or anyone for that matter) would have been interested in me at all. i felt truly like damaged goods and was pretty sure that's what i looked like to the outside world.

but against my best thinking (ha), it happened. he hit on me. he flirted with me. and i was so completely knocked over by the sheer audacity of the event, coupled with my infatuation of its possibility, that i took the bait, hook, line, and sinker. it was 2 nights of bliss and another month or so of very uncomfortable posturing on both our parts trying to wrestle with the situation we had created.

don't get me wrong. i think the world of him. but i was not ready to look outward at that point in my life. i was so overtaxed with the business of looking inward and untangling the mess i had found, that i didn't have a chance of making a good friend or partner to anyone else at that time. and the same held true for him. besides, he wasn't really done dancing with tina then, so i had also put myself in a really potentially dangerous situation.

and worst of all, i hurt his feelings. i ended it abruptly and i didn't do it with much finesse or sensitivity. i really don't want to go through that again, or put anyone else through that either. what used to be commonplace for me- the "don't let the doorknob hit ya where the dog shoulda bit ya" sensibility that i held for years wasn't working for me any longer. i guess tricking was no longer a sport of choice for me. and i hadn't cared in a long time, so i didn't have much skill around that at all.

no worries, though, cuz what goes around comes around. i got mine from someone else who did a very similar thing to me. seduced me, then when we started to get close, he snapped shut like a clam and it stung for a good long while.

so, according to my experience, staying away from the bone phone for the first year or so is sage advice. wisdom, yes, but does anyone ever listen?






and to my good friend, this sentiment is meant for you. i truly am sorry about the course of events. i didn't know who i was or what i needed. you were a catalyst for change in the course of my life around our tryst, and for that i can never ever thank you enough. i wish you only the best. i will always be here if you need me.

and how about the voice from nelly? damn, that is pure!