beneath the surface

image credit: todd essick

it's funny. sometimes, when i look at my life, i become frustrated because i feel i have so much left to do and should be so much further along with that- especially at my age. but then i do have to stop and remember where my life and my heart were just a few years ago. in the toilet.

i have struggles these days, and not small ones at times, but when i look at how much my life has changed by letting go of the past and letting go of old habits, i am vindicated. if i take a closer look, i remember that beneath the surface, there is so much joy and relief, that my frustrations really evaporate like snocones in the summer sun when i use the tools provided me.

i had my taxes done yesterday and found out the refund amount i was expecting wasn't happening. you would have thought that i had been robbed at gunpoint. my behavior was shameless, childish, and hideous. i have to make an amends to the the tax preparer. still, the tools i have learned about coping with life through the 12step process did save me from spinning out of control and reverting to old coping skills.

treating someone with ignorance in a situation(and then doing my best to make it right) is such an improvemnt over getting angry silently and then drowning my own emotions with a flood of amped "feelgood" followed by hours of guilt and agony is a huge leap forward.

the love i have for my life now has begun to feel like a part of me. i can understand my own behaviors and those of the folks around me with so much more empathy. i am learning to accept the inevitability of most things not going "my way" and really being okay with it. i am learning i can be happy that someone else is happy, whereas before it was always about me being happy.

sidenote: one of my posts was picked up by this month's international carnival of positivities. it is a collection of works by and about persons living with hiv/aids. it always humbles me to expand my view of what i think i know about this virus/disease. and as this month's host gently points out, there are about 65 million of us living with hiv on the planet these days.

below is a remix of an old beegees classic by Supreme Beings of Leisure. I have a channel on Pandora named after them(I do like the group that much). plus, in the sidebar, you'll find a finetune player featuring a mixed tape by dj dream. take the time to check it out. i think he's done a damn fine job and i've been playing his mixes everywhere i go..